TL;DR: I was immediately attracted to her when we met years ago. She was married at the time. She’s now divorced. My attraction hasn’t waned since we’ve become roommates in the last year. I’ve asked her out a couple months ago. Naturally, she turned me down citing attraction (I call b.s.), but she gave me kudos for the bravery for asking her out. Now I want to call her out on her attraction to me without being off-putting, and potentially start something positive.
She’s from Belarus, I’m a Chicago native. She’s been in the states for \~20 years. We’re now roommates. She’s exuberant, lively, and a fun loving conversationalist. We vibe as far as taste and sensibilities go, but we might differ on some activities. I’d generally prefer to play board/card games and some sports. Whereas she’s **more** into arts and culture, even though she has a history of being an exceptional gymnast.
We’re both shy and moderately awkward with the mutual knowledge of attraction. Any interaction outside of the smalltalk causes us to rush the conversation along until either one of us has an excuse to exit the space. I can tell that if I had the right words, she’d be open to seeing me. I want to break through to her to have an authentic conversation about our potential.
Thank you for choosing my post. The best advice will be based in empathy.
10 comments
If she says she’s not attracted to you then what exactly are you expecting here? Come on man.
Why do you think you know her better than she does?
You should be empathetic to her and move out to prevent further discomfort
If someone says she’s not attracted to you, take her at face value. There aren’t any tips or tricks or games that are going to overcome her stated feelings. There’s no way to “break through to her,” and that wording is concerning.
Or – hear me out – you could show her basic respect, accept the rejection, and drop it.
WILD, I know.
I understand how you feel she wants a relationship as much as you do, but you gave her an opportunity to start one and she turned you down. Maybe she’s not ready for a new relationship, maybe she doesn’t want to date a roommate, maybe she wants someone closer to her age, or maybe you aren’t her type. But she knows you’re interested, so the best thing is to not bring it up again unless she does. Don’t want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home.
From your description, sure, you have chemistry. But two people can get along famously and it still doesn’t necessarily mean that romance is hiding somewhere on the horizon. Maybe it’s just an amazing friendship. She clearly cares for you, which is probably why she was gentle when she refused your previous offer. Doesn’t have to mean more than that.
If she’s already turned you down before, what makes you think she’d be open to seeing you romantically if you “had the right words”?
I know you feel a certain way about her but I think you’re in dangerous territory of crossing a line as a roommate & friend – I’ve lived with male friends before and I would have felt deeply uncomfortable if they had done something like what you’re describing. IMO the only way I see a romantic connection happening between you two is if she explicitly says she’s interested, which she hasn’t. She already knows you’re into her and she hasn’t pursued you…that means something.
This is wild. She’s not interested. Move out and move on.
Someone who is attracted to you doesn’t shut you down by saying they’re not attracted to you (unless you’re in middle school). They say “I’m not over my ex”, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now”, “I love what we have and I don’t want to ruin it”….pretty much anything to keep themselves from looking 100% disinterested.
Someone who is into you finds every excuse to *prolong interactions*, not cut them off or leave. The sheer awkwardness of two awkward people – who are into each other – doing their miserable best to keep a trivial conversation going is an endearing, beautiful thing. You have literally described the opposite.
If she’s blunt enough to say she’s not attracted to you, and if she’s blunt enough to exit conversations with you as quickly as she can, she’s absolutely blunt enough to tell you she wants to revisit the topic of the two of you dating *without you finding the perfect incantation to charm her*.
Sorry mate, you’re infatuated with someone who isn’t the slightest bit interested in a romantic connection, and you’re willfully disregarding her incredibly clear and open communication telling you she does not feel the same way.
Ah yes and in your history you post that boundaries in relationships are overrated. Get help!
Yuck, you’re saying some really scary things in your original post and your comments responding to people trying to help you see your folly. If you can’t see the writing on the wall, I’ll spell it out for you: you are coming across like a scary predator who might assault someone in their sleep. You are SCARY and I’m genuinely concerned for your roommate.