So this just happened. I kept getting messages on Facebook from some girl and I finally accepted them. I (39 yo f) have been with my boyfriend (49 yo m) for ten years. I get a message on Facebook from some unknown girl wanting to know what our relationship is. I was instantly worried because it says she works at the same place he does.

She goes on to tell me she’s been dating him the last two years. She gives me details of things they have done and says he told her we broke up in 2020 and are friends. She became suspicious because he said something about me that didn’t add up. He has been spending a lot of time with me recently.

We were taking about getting married and him moving in. I’m just so devastated. Please tell me I will get over this and move on. I feel like my life is over and I can’t trust anyone.

I confronted him and he said they were never serious but admitted to having a fling with her. He’s denying the seriousness of their relationship. I’m just heartbroken. Has anyones else gone through this?

19 comments

  2. I am so sorry. This is awful and terribly traumatic. Do you have close family and friends you can confide in for support?

    Id go no contact with him immediately. Maybe reach out to the other woman to talk more in depth and compare notes. Sounds like he’s playing the “ends against the middle.”

  3. You can get over this, and you will move on. Your potential inability to trust would be your baggage you would bring into future relationships, so get rid of it. Can you get hurt again? Sure. But living a perpetually cautious life will cause regrets too. You can do this & good luck out there. Just get away from him now, give yourself 18 months to get through the worst, and start therapy to help you with dumping the baggage. You will be fine.

  4. Go to surviving infidelity.com it helped me with a cheating wife. I am so sorry. Confront him with the other woman! Make him go through hell

  5. You may not get over it; people lose their trust in relationships over less. Time will help but it will probably take 3-5 years minimum. I had a bad breakup in 2016 that i’m still not completely over adn it wasn’t 10 years long.

  6. Yeah, same thing happened to me. Well I wasn’t with him as long, but he had an affair with someone he worked with. I felt like such an idiot, and kind of broke down. But I had a lot of good friends that helped me through it.

    I realized pretty soon that he’d done me a huge favor. We were on completely different life trajectories, and I should of ended it sooner. I’m engaged to the love of my life and couldn’t be happier honestly.

    I know it feels like your life is over and you don’t know what to do, but it’s not I promise. Don’t let him talk his way out of it. He’s a liar and a cheat, you don’t need that. He sucks and is scum. This is not your fault, he is the one who is lacking not you.

  7. I understand you’re in a ton of pain and feeling humiliated but I can assure you that anyone who cares about you will rally to your side. I was in a similar place years ago (loving together and talking marriage) and a coworker let me know they had been messing around (he told her we were broken up which uhhhh no) and saved me a lot of heartbreak. We have actually remained friendly 😂 But she was duped as much as I was so I didn’t feel as much anger toward her.

    I was floored by how quickly and lovingly my family and friends came to my aid (helping me move out, offering a shoulder to cry on and a place to crash or visit) and I don’t know that I would have been able to heal as quickly if I hadn’t had that support.

    I’m really sorry this happened to you ❤️

  9. You’ve been with a man for ten years and are just now talk about marriage.

    He has also had a “fling” in his words which is just CHEATING.

    And you are confused? No, love, you are a joke. LEAVE

    Find some self-respect on your way out.

  10. I have been thru very similar. But in my situation I had been married for 20 years.
    I was devastated, too. I felt all the humiliation, anger, hurt, pain, hopelessness, etc. One day I felt great and strong, the next day I cried. That’s normal. You’ll go back and forth. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t getting thru this. Just go with your emotions.
    You need them all.

    I cried my face off when it first happened, I was terrified of what was to become of me.
    I had no family here. I had few friends. I was truly alone. I knew I’d never be able to keep our dream house. I couldn’t afford it alone.

    I can tell you this much, as bad as I felt at the time I knew that one day I’d be okay. I didn’t know what would happen, I just knew that I’d get on the other side of it all and I’d be okay.

    And I am.

    A year and a half later I met the man I’m married to now. We’ve been together for 16 years. Everything DID work out. I’m more than okay.
    Not only am I married to a much better man, but we have two homes. I’m living in a much better place. It seems like everything I lost with my ex, I got back 2 and 3 times more.

    You will be fine. You’ll get on the other side of this. I’m just glad he hadn’t moved in with you and that you didn’t marry him. At least you don’t have to go thru a divorce.

    You will learn a lot as you deal with this. You’ll see your own strength and you’ll know what you’re made of. You’ll grow and glow.

    You’re going to be okay. Honest. 🙂

  11. I was the other woman. Met at work – he told me he was single straight up and we started seeing each other soon after. He was still living with her because they owned a house together but they were “taking it in turns to sleep on the couch”. Fast forward 4 months, a lot of future faking, dates, I had stayed over his place etc…and I found out that they had never broken up and she had no idea. I obviously was devastated because I had really believed everything he told me. I never told her – my therapist at the time said to not get involved. Always wondered if that was the right idea…4 years later and they are still together. The only person here who is to blame, who should feel humiliated is your partner. He has behaved terribly – you and the other woman are collateral damage. I really wish you all the best.

  13. Oh wow. I’m sorry you are going through that. What an asshole. Hope you dumped him.

  14. Girl I am about 6 months ahead of you. I still feel the way you do now from time to time but it becomes less every day.

    They are not our world. We can find happiness with someone else. More happiness than we ever could have gotten with them, we’ll realize.

    Let yourself hurt and mourn the end of a stage of your life, but also keep in mind that a new stage is coming. And the possibilities are endless and in your hands. We can choose better now, when we are ready! But for now we heal.

  15. If it was a meaningless fling that meant nothing, that means he was willing to throw your relationship away for something worthless. If it was more than that, it means your relationship was meaningless. Either way, he’s done something that can never be taken back, and your relationship can never be what it was. To me, infidelity is an irrevocable breach of trust.

  16. I am sorry you are going through this. I promise you will get over this and move on. It will take time but you will recover. Perhaps it might be best to move on without him though. The reality is he will do the same thing with her and any woman he is with. Let someone else have his infidelity and the pain it causes. You do what’s best for you.

  17. Don’t marry him and don’t let him move j with you “just a fling” translates to “I sleep around and don’t care that I’m with you or about your feelings”

  18. it doesnt matter how serious anything is. cheating is cheating lol don’t listen to the cheater try to justify his actions and gaslight you

  19. I promise you will eventually get over this and move on. It will hurt for a while.

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