I’m 17f and it was a gift from my bf. I kept it in my closet and yesterday my mom needed to store some extra clothes in it.
Well she found it and got rid of it and is now forcing me to do a pregnancy and std test and thinks I’m sexualy active(only did it once months ago and used protection).
She keeps saying how ashamed I should be and that she raised me better than this.
She also wants to go through my phone and honesty she’s going way too far with this. Please help
39 comments
That is abusive behavior, and she’s violating your privacy. You could bring that up with child services. You guys need to have a very open talk and better bring a trusted 3rd person into this. You mom’s behavior is completely unacceptable and she’s having a very negative impact on your personal sexual life. Nevermind the audacity of taking a gift from your boyfriend away from you.
hey mom if you’re reading this, you’re a terrible parent and making a 17 year old feel ashamed for masturbation is pathetic. i dont know how someone could make it this far in life and still thinks sex its icky. grow up, stay out of your daughters sex life and seek counseling.
your mother is pushing her unhealthy views on sex on you. you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of , but she sure has … violated your privacy , stolen a personal gift and wrongly judged you. She sounds like a deeply unhappy lady.
Your mother has lost her shit. She thinks a sex talk can get you pregnant or give you an STD? She should buy a sex toy. It might help her take the edge off of this anxiety she has.
Yeah get away from her as soon as possible holy shit. I’m so sorry you have to go through that. Stay true to who you are and stay strong.
Mom needs to grow the fuck up.
Well I’d put a password on my phone and not let her look at it. You’re 17 your personal life is none of her business. Just tell her you’re not having sex. Tell her she should be happy you’re using a toy and not the real thing. I doubt she was a perfect virgin until marriage.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what you did but your mother is doing a whole lot of wrong.
I know how hard it can be living under her roof right now but someday you’ll be out of there and you can enjoy so many fun, neat toys!
Don’t let her negative views towards sex, sexual health and being in touch with one’s pleasure, ruin you’re very normal and very okay activities!
When you go to the doctor’s, make sure they know you are not there willingly. No doctor worth anything is going to do invasive testing on a teen.
If you are in the US, most states allow for reproductive health care freedom for teens. Many other countries allow it, too. Google your location and minor reproductive health care laws to find the laws in your area.
As soon as the doctor comes in the room, say, “I’m not consenting to the exam.” It’s grotesque that your mother would force this.
(On a side note – if you think you may be at risk for STDs, you can go on your own and test. That would be a good idea.)
Your mom sounds just like the toxic boyfriends you should avoid. Pnly thing I recommend is getting responsible and on some sort of contraceptive. Then fuck her opinion lol
That is borderline abusive behavior from your mother. Do not agree to her demands. She has violated your privacy and technically stolen from you, all the while trying to make you feel ashamed for something that should never be a thing of shame. A healthy sexuality should make you proud, not ashamed.
Sounds like she’s projecting her own misery on you.
Sounds like my mom. There’s nothing you can do but endure until you can move out.
I’m sorry you’re going through this:/ She sounds like my grandmother. My mom was actually super cool and bought me my first vibrator. If she actually follows through with taking you to a doc, I would tell the doc that the appointment is punishment for masturbating. Be straight up with them. They might have a word with her and atleast make her feel stupid. I know it’s probably awkward but if she persists you can always tell her that in your opinion there’s nothing wrong with masturbating. It’s not like she found drugs in the closet. And that making you feel ashamed for being human is only going to hurt y’all’s relationship.
well, depending on where you live 17 is the age of consent for most places.. You could easily shut her up by saying “I have a toy so I don’t need a boy” but.. it sounds like your mom is super judgemental
From the comments you might guess it would probably be a good idea to move out of that toxic ass home as soon as you can—that will probably be much easier than changing her views on masturbation/sex. Good luck!
We really need an adult version of the “everybody poops” book for “everybody masturbates”.
I am SO sorry your mom is doing this.
I’m a parent too, and I can’t imagine doing that my to my daughter at any age.
I don’t know what to say, but if it helps any, there are other people out there who would comletely disagree with her approach.
The best thing I can say is that you’ll be 18 soon and that should get you some freedom.
Nothing you’ve done is wrong. I’m pleased that you used protection when you did have sex, that’s mature and responsible! Good for you!
There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
what is the cultural background that your mother thinks you and her have, that you shouldn’t have one?
Parents surprisingly back down when you get blunt with them – not loud and mad, but blunt and direct.
Ask your mother clear questions like “So, I’m not ‘allowed’ to masturbate? Is that just with devices or in general? What are your expectations of my sexuality? Do you masturbate? Why does a personal device automatically mean that I’m having sexual intercourse?”
That kind of stuff throws them off their game and forces them to either reevaluate or just get out of your face for a while.
That kind of action and subsequent remonstration is a surefire way of making your children a) never listen to you, b) lose respect for you, and c) move out asap and reduce contact.
Your mother should be having a discussion, letting you know why she doesn’t approve. To tell you off and say she is ashamed is how you speak to a child, not a young adult. As a child of an extremely conservative, sheltering and dictatorial household, I feel your pain.
It’s up to you, but if you wanted to you can be the adult in this situation and start the conversation. Let her know that throwing your stuff out is disrespectful, and saying that she’s ashamed of you is incredibly hurtful, and you would rather have had a talk about it rather than being treated as a child.
Honestly? You don’t need to worry about what your close minded mother thinks. Although it’s hard to bear and embarrassing, just remember that using a sec toy doesn’t necessarily make you sexually active. If you clean it and yourself well before and after use there’s very little risk of infection, and STDs can only be caught from other people. So unless your mom wants to share the dildo?? My personal advise would be to honestly give her shit about her opinions. Although it may get you in a bit of trouble, it’s great food for thought for them later if your clap back was “wow Linda, okay, I didn’t know you were so against me becoming comfortable in the relationship I have with my own body.” It’ll stun her later on for sure. Also, please remember you’re 18 soon, your body is yours alone and your mother will not make you happy: only you can make you happy. Do whatever your heart desires to be happy. Please stay strong
This reminds me of the time my mom walked in on me humping my pillow when I was about 13, and made me feel ashamed and like I’m a sinner. To this day, I STILL get embarrassed talking about masterbation, even though EVERYONE does it, and it’s completely normal and healthy.
I’m sorry that your mom has unhealthy views on it. If anyone should be ashamed, it’s her!
MB put some perspective in her view? Like would she prefer you sleep with tons of people rather than 1 and be safe ? Or if you were working the streets or a sugar daddy? Like it is the most normal thing on earth to fill sexual needs. Dildo should be the least of her problems
Tell her at least I’m not banging everyone mom !! I’m just banging myself lol
Wait until dinner. Look your mom in the eyes and say “ dad, did you and mom ever have sex before marriage?”
My mom lost her shit when she found out I lost my virginity. It’s been 6 years since and we’re on good terms about sex now and she’s cool with me having sex toys – though we don’t ever talk about it. Hopefully you can move out soon.
Your mother is repressed and projecting her own ingrained beliefs onto you as if you were her property and not your own autonomous person.
It’s no shame. Masturbation and using adult toys to experience orgasm is a normal, so it shouldn’t be a fuss. Your mom didn’t realize her reproach will take a long time on your mind. I’m a female(25) who loves to play with sex toys and I have to say it is great. I’m also a super collectoror buy a new one for yourself?
This is gonna sound harsh but she needs to mind her own business. You have a sex life and what you do with your body is your decision, not hers.
By the sounds of things she should probably get a dildo
Tell her to fuck off or you’ll never speak to her again. What you put in your vagina is your business, not hers.
My dad tried to have a similar talk with me when he found some skin mags under my bed. Didn’t like that they were hardcore (Club and Penthouse), wanted me to “read” Playboy instead. I, in a polite way, told him to get fucked.
Don’t let your mother make you feel ashamed. You are doing nothing wrong.
I will tell you what I tell my older teen and my other child who is 21. I have always told them they can be open and honest with me about their sexual activity. They know they can come to me for any concerns or questions about sex, sexuality, or other sex related topics. I’m sorry your mom didn’t do this for you.
I also respect their privacy. I would not have gone into your room or through your closet without asking you first. And if did happen to find a dildo or other sexual appliance I would not have mentioned it. Part of respecting their privacy. Unless I see that it might be dangerous. Then we would have a calm, honest discussion about it.
Now, for the advice your mom should have given you. Make sure you communicate boundaries, dislikes, and preferences to your boyfriend. Great communication leads to great sex.
Try to always ensure you have a safe place to engage in sexual activity. My kids know that their house is a sex positive house and they will be allowed to have partners over without judgement. Since your mom won’t let you do this at your home, hopefully your boyfriend’s family will. Or another trusted adult will be willing to do this for you.
Use reliable birth control if you aren’t already on it. If your mom is unwilling to take you then please find another trusted adult who is willing to help you in this area.
Unless you and your boyfriend have never had past sexual partners, then you should use a condom for now. At least until you can both get tested for STDs. Your mom is right about this but totally wrong in how she brought this up to you. STD testing is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a powerful tool to protect your own health and your partner’s health. It also protects any future partners you may have. Get tested as often as you need to with no shame.
You should also be using a condom if you are not in a monogamous relationship. Even if you are on birth control. HIV is still a very real risk.
Last, enjoy using your dildo. The more you explore learn about your own body the more you can teach your partner about pleasing you.
Do try to start an honest conversation with your mom about how she is making you feel. You have a right to be angry, and you have a right to safely explore your sexuality. I don’t think she will be willing to discuss anything with you but at least you will have given her the chance.
In the meantime, focus on finding a sex positive, trusted adult, counselor, or doctor that you can talk to about sex and related issues.
And also focus on enjoying your time with your boyfriend. It’s hard to be 17…in between turning into a young adult and parents and adults still wanting to control you. I remember. Stay positive and strong. Best wishes to you.
EDITED to add she absolutely should not FORCE you to have any tests or make any appointments. I forgot to add that.
Sometimes I wonder if my relationship to sex would be completely different if my mother hadn’t shamed me so much into believing the masturbation or sex was completely wrong growing up. I identify on the asexual spectrum now and have never been able to enjoy sex. Sadly now that I’m an adult my parents want me to marry and have children, which will never happen. Parents, don’t do this to your children.
I think compared to a lot of teenagers, or at least the teenagers I grew up with, you’re pretty smart when it comes to stuff like this.
It seems like you’ve got your bases covered. I definitely agree with what a lot of people have said. When you go to the doctors, you can ask to be seen alone and explain the situation. They should work with you.
You shouldn’t be ashamed to have sex. Masturbation is a very normal thing and could be a very healthy thing for a person.
I think your mom is probably scared of you been a teen mom, and that an STI/STD can be an inconvenience but most are pretty easily treatable. But her reaction is way too much.
I think as long as you have a plan of what you and your boyfriend are gonna do if you do get pregnant, you’re fine. Continue being safe and remember that consent is sexy. Consider talking to the doctor about birth control options if you are open to it.
But don’t feel guilty for masturbating. It’s a thing as long as you aren’t doing it like everyday and having it like negatively impacting your life.
My mom found my vibrator when I was in my 20s and called me a prostitute, a whore, disgusting, and said I was probably selling myself to anyone. How sex work and a pocket vibrator are connected is beyond me. I wish I had something to give or say that could help.
Like everyone has already said, don’t listen to her. She’s reacting our of some fear she has and that doesn’t make it right.
My dad said and did some horrible stuff to me when I was 13 because I kissed a boy. He tells me now it was to prevent me from being raped and becoming a pregnant teen. However, all it did was cause me to be in a sexually abusive relationship for three years. It was horrible and I’m still healing from it.
Point is: parents sometimes act out of fear for your safety. There IS a lot of risk when being sexually active. But it doesn’t excuse their behavior as “good”. I want to assume she’s reacting that harshly probably because she had some trauma with sex in the past and hasn’t dealt with it and she’s panicking. I think it’s the same for my dad. Understanding this can make it easier to see that she’s wrong and not having an appropriate reaction and that you aren’t doing something to be ashamed about.
Just turn it around on her.
Be disappointed in her. Let her know that you expected more of her, and are shocked in her amateur childish behavior about this. When she pushes back, just double down.
Gah, I **hate** parents like this. As if she thinks you’re a Barbie doll down there.
I got lucky. My mom was a sex therapist. On my 16th birthday, in addition to the regular gifts, she whispers to me “you’re a young woman now, there’s a box under your bed… something woman of any age can enjoy. I won’t speak of it again, but I need you to put that somewhere safe and use it as you like in a discrete way.”
So yeah, got back to my bedroom after the festivities, found a box with a new dildo, lube, vibrator, and some birth control/safe sex pamphlets. I never thanked my mom because, yeah, it’s embarrassing — but I really do thank her, because I learned how to get myself off with those toys, and sex was not a topic of shame in our home.
I don’t know if you’ll see this but I just wanted to say don’t let anyone ever make you feel ashamed of your sexuality. When I was younger I thought it would be okay to be open with my mom about me having sex for the first time, but I was wrong. All she did was shame me for having sex in the first place and make me feel like I was a horrible betraying daughter. Don’t feel the way I did, the shame that she forced onto me later caused me to have a hard time finding what I liked in sex, and ultimately make my sex life more awkward and challenging. Sex is a natural part of life, NO ONE has a right to know anything about YOUR sex life, and you do not ever have to feel ashamed of having sex and enjoying it. Embrace the feminine goddess within yourself 💕