Quick background, my father was a successful franchise owner (he has sold most of his businesses now). I don’t know how much he has, but if I had to guess it’s 40m plus. And I mention my dad because my mom doesn’t really make many decisions she just defers to my dad. I have a brother as well.
My dad has paid for me to go to private school, university and my masters and there paid for off campus housing plus a stipend and if we ever needed any educational resources he would cover. So it’s not as if he hasn’t been generous.
But he has had this cookie cutter vision of my life when I came out to my parents he didn’t push back at all. But he wanted this image of me as the Neil Patrick Harris clean suit type gay. He made tons of disparaging comments about my previous partners and he isn’t happy that my current partner is much older.
He has used the inheritance against me before and my brother he has told us that he has given us each enough that any inheritance will go to his grandkids not us. Also when my dad found out about my drug use he also threatened to cut me off financially, even though I am fully functioning. I just like to do it at parties and raves.
And he generally has not been an of queer culture, saying drag shows are perverted. And when I took him and my mom to a pride parade, he was visibly uncomfortable the entire time.
All of this comes down when I told him my partner and I are looking for a surrogate. He asks me about who the surrogate will be and I told him that we haven’t started looking but there is this facility in Cancun that one of my friends has gone to. I mention to him its much cheaper than in the USA.
He then gets angry and is like what! You are going to pay someone to carry your baby? You aren’t finding a friend or family. I am like no thats too much of a burden to ask anyone.
He gets angry, and is like oh so its too much of a burden to ask someone but now you are going to pay to exploit some poor Mexican woman. He says that its disgusting, and this is the same thing as buying organs.
I am like they get paid a lot of money and they are choosing to do it. He then is like do you know how much trauma a pregnancy causes on a woman’s body, your mother was never the same after having you boys, no amount of money will ever compensate for that. He is like having kids shortens a women’s life expectancy and he starts going off on a religious rant about god and spirituality. He then tells me that no son of his will go around to poor countries to exploit women.
He tells me that if I can’t go find a friend or family to be the surrogate then to adopt like everyone else. I told him, that I want to have a biological kid too, and see myself in my children. He tells me to stop being selfish. And says that if I go do this and go for any commercial surrogacy, he is not giving me a cent and that his image of me and my partner. I left crying after that.
I don’t know what to do, I first thought if I adopted my father would be angry being like that baby doesn’t have any of my DNA! Thats no grandson of mine, but now he is like oh you exploited this woman! He has never been someone to care so much about perceived exploitation of women, but now he is this hardcore feminist?
What do I do? I feel that my dad has this oh its my way or the high way type attitude that served him well in business but now he uses on us. Me and my partner don’t have much money, and knowing that our children would have my father’s inheritance would be great.
But now I am wondering if there is even a point if he is going to use it against us constantly so we live life to his vision exactly. Or if its all just a big bluff and he will give us the money any ways. What do you guys think I should do?
**tl;dr- initially told my dad that we are getting a surrogate so he could help pay, but now he is threatening to cut me off from my inheritance because he views it as exploitation**
15 comments
wow
Your father doesn’t owe you a dime. If you don’t like the way that he operates, then don’t engage with him.
Also, your intention to use a Mexican surrogate is absolutely exploitative and your focus in spreading your own DNA but not your partners is creepy.
Where I live it’s illegal to pay a woman to be a surrogate for you: women choose to be surrogates for purely altruistic purposes. So be aware that folks are going to have varying opinions on paying for ‘commercial’ surrogacy.
Personally I’m with your dad. The fact that you want to get it from Mexico ‘because it’s cheaper’ is appalling to me.
I’m (🏳️🌈M) estranged from my parents because of their religion/worldview without money being a cause. Because he has used the inheritance against your brother and yourself before it sounds like he’ll continue to do that.
I know logistically it’s not always possible or easy but: I think you should reframe your relationship with him outside of money entirely. If you still like having a relationship with love and communication then great. But if you find that you don’t actually like each other… then maybe the money isn’t worth being involved.
Because it IS exploitation.
Whose idea was it to go through backchannels instead of a licensed agency?
The age gap between you and your partner is creepy to me. You wanting to through all of this to have a child at 24 is also sus to me. How long have you two been dating?
It IS creepy that you’re dating a man old enough to be your father, and if you are already in the process of thinking about children it means you’ve been together since you were in your very early 20’s if not teens. As always: **FULLY GROWN ADULTS DO NOT PURSUE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE IN THEIR EARLY 20S UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.**
And as everyone else has said, using a surrogate IS EXPLOITATION. You are buying a woman’s body. Your DNA is not that special. Adopt a child instead of putting someone through that.
If your dad is using your possible inheritance as a threat now, who’s to say that he isn’t going to do the same thing over and over again to make you do what he wants?
Name your child after a name of my choice or lose it.
Stay in this town close to me or lose it.
Come to me this Christmas or lose it.
Send your child to this school or lose it.
Where does it ever end?
Commercial surrogacy is exploitation. My country (India) recently banned it because lots of poor women did it to make money. So many people from the US and Europe would come to India looking for a cheap surrogate because the exchange rate for dollar to rupee is high. The government of India has passed a bill and made it illegal to conduct commercial surrogacy for foreign and even Indian citizens because of the surrogacy clinics that had popped up all over the country. What makes you think the situation in Mexico (another developing third world country riddled with poverty) is any different?
If you and your partner want to potentially exploit some poor Mexican woman, do it with your own money.
Your father is not wrong for being against drugs. Functional adults who casually take drugs can very easily turn into dysfunctional addicts. The data for addicts around the world proves that. Drug use is a slippery slope and things go sideways faster than people realise. Also, if you get caught doing illegal drugs, you can end up with a criminal record that can have life long consequences. Most companies don’t hire people with felonies and drug users are looked down upon socially no matter how infrequently they use. No management will ever trust someone who is known to take drugs with important matters. Most companies have regular random drug tests to ensure their employees are trustworthy. You are literally jeopardising your life. Your dad is not an asshole for being against that.
Maybe he is homophobic. It doesn’t change the fact that you are a 24 year old dating a 46 year old. Your partner is closer to your dad’s age than yours. I’m a complete stranger and when I saw that age gap I went ‘oh hell no, this is not good’.
This is like the number one red flag in dating. Older men going for a young person who just happens to be rich (coz of dad’s money)!
Would you date someone who was in diapers when you had finished college? I hate to break it to you, but emotionally mature and secure older men are usually not interested in dating someone who wasn’t even born when they finished high school.
How long have you been together?
Did he wait until you were 18 to ask you out?
Even if you met after turning 20, it’s still concerning because no person who has been in the adult world for 20 years or so, has supposedly built a career and had other relationships be interested in someone so young. You are young enough to pass as his kid!
Are you sure he isn’t just after your money, aka future inheritance? How would he react if you were to suggest a prenup?
I do not blame your dad for being unsupportive of your relationship with a man who is closer to him in age than he is to you.
How you feel if your 60 years dad started dating a 30 years old? Or your friend from college started dating a junior from high school? If you feel that is creepy, then take a good look at your own life.
For one you stop sharing your personal life and business with your dad. You should not have told him and going forward keep your personal business to yourself. Keep your convo superficial. The weather and basic stuff. I think no matter what you do your father will use money against you. Aside from that I think you hold off on this having a baby and getting a surrogate. Sorry but the reality is that you are way too young to do this with someone twice your age and I will guess you have not been together all that long. I would say this weather man/woman, woman/woman. I think this is a mistake and I urge you not to think like this for another five years or so. You are too young in this situation. Please don’t do this. I think you are making a mistake on the whole thing regardless of your dad’s position.
He’s completely right. The arrogance to say you deserve to profit off a disadvantaged woman’s desperation, specifically going somewhere with a poorer population so that you can save a few bucks (OF YOUR FATHER’S MONEY, to which you feel somehow entitled?!), is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.
🤦♀️ There’s a lot of hate in these comments and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.
I think perhaps taking your time with this is a good idea. You’re young. You’ve got time.
I also think if you can find a woman who WANTS to be a surrogate, money involved or not, then go for it. The problem comes in when the woman feels she HAS to be one to earn a living.
I dunno man, I think your dad just really wants you to grow up a little bit more before you decide such big things. You’re 24. Live a little before you take on such heavy responsibilities. Kids are no joke and they don’t go away when inconvenient.
I’m not about to shit on you for the age gap, I like older people too. Just be careful that you’re deciding things because YOU want them, not because “time is running out” for one of you quicker than the other.
Try to cut your dad a little slack, he’s from a different time than you and at least he’s trying. My parents don’t even know about me and I’ll never tell them because my mom judges me enough already.
Good luck friend.
i hope this is a creative writing exercise because your dad is right and you are sick
Gotta ask, after rereading your post a few times – do you want children or do you want a financial guarantee?
It sounds like your father is not leaving you any money in his will. You note that he said he would leave it to his grandchildren. You then comment how you and your boyfriend don’t have much money but that knowing your kids would inherit money would be great in the same sentence.
What happens if your father puts the money in a trust that the kid can’t touch until the kid is an adult?
Better question – why do you want children now? If you’re going to parties and raves still, doesn’t sound like you’re really ready for the parental life – was having kids your idea or your boyfriend’s?
What you should do is use your extensive education to become financially independent. You have the means, it’s time to do so. And your father’s right – commercial surrogacy is exploitation. Do the research. When you figure out what you want as far as adoption v surrogacy find a path that’s less toxic.
Reasons you think your dad hates you
1. He accepted you when you came out
2. He disapproved of some of your choices (as would any parent)
3. He didn’t like your partner could be your dad
4. He doesn’t like you doing drugs
5. And he doesn’t want his son exploiting a woman who’s getting into surrogate either cause she truly has no other choice, or she’s forced to by family
But you think he does it cause he’s homophobic? Maybe you’re just not a good person or functional human being… ever thought about that?
Also, you say you expected your kid to live off your dad, does that mean you and your 46 year old partner live off him already? Why Eve. Want a kid if you can’t afford it?
Your dad is crazy man. And you, for the love of God, just adopt