So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. I just found out that he lied right to my face 2 days ago about something insignificant. My friend’s birthday party was last weekend and my boyfriend had a family dinner to attend, so he told me he’ll come to the party right after his dinner. I was completely cool about that. However, one of his female “friends” also invited him to a party the same night and my boyfriend told me that since he has his family dinner, he won’t go to that party. I was fine either way.
But, I just found out yesterday that my boyfriend actually stopped by her party for \~1 hour or so after his family dinner. The entire night, he was texting me about how his family dinner was running “late” and that he’ll leave our apartment at a certain time, when he was already on his way to his female friend’s party. He ended up arriving at my friend’s birthday party 2 hours after he told me he already left, which made me suspicious because I knew it doesn’t take that long to commute from our apartment to my friend’s place.
When he arrived, I asked him if he stopped by his female friend’s party, and he flat out lied to my face. He said he didn’t go and will “make it up to her another time.” I confronted him about it the next day and he confessed that he did “stop by” her party just to be nice and congratulate her on whatever BS she’s celebrating. We ended up having a huge argument and he said he didn’t tell me because he was afraid that I would be “mad” or pissed off at him.
We’ve gotten over some arguments about this female “friend” before and she was actually someone my boyfriend had a crush on before he met me. I was fine with them being friends, but he would always give me mixed signals about their “friendship.” For example, he would say that they’re not really that close anymore and it was pretty much a superficial relationship, and the next day, he’d say he wants to maintain their “friendship.”
I was fine with them being friends because I have a lot of guy friends myself, but it got to a point where it was just so annoying and confusing to have to constantly deal with this ambiguous “friendship” that they have. It’s like whenever she has an event going on or wants to meet up with my boyfriend for food, he would always try to comply. He never initiates these meetings, but he would still try to make meet-up’s work according to her schedule .. Even for his birthday last year, she wanted to meet him in person and wish him happy birthday, so I pushed back our dinner reservation and let him go to her apartment for 1 to 2 hours to catch-up.
Honestly, I’m not sure what he’s getting out of this “friendship” if you can even call it that. It seems like she just reaches out to my boyfriend whenever she has an event or something she wants my boyfriend to attend. In her head, it’s like he’s still her best friend or something, when he really knows nothing going on in her life.
I’m just annoyed that my boyfriend proactively lied to my face this weekend about going to her party. He said it was completely ‘innocent’, but by lying about it, he made it seem more important than what it should have been. I just don’t know what to do at this point – I’ve been super cool about this for the past 3 years, but I have enough self-respect for myself to not be treated like a 2nd choice. Would appreciate everyone else’s thoughts about what I’m going through.
tl;dr boyfriend of 2.5 years blatantly lied to me about something minor and now I don’t know what to do
6 comments
I mean if he’s lying to you about this so you won’t get “mad”, this probably isn’t the first time this has come up, so it’s safe to say this isn’t been some small thing and has come up before.
So the only thing you can do is talk to him about it and say this is who you feel, your relationship is important and you’re made to feel like a 2nd choice. Don’t make it contentious, don’t call their relationship names, just keep it cool and to the point. And then if he doesn’t step up, you know what to do.
So, it’s really obvious why your boyfriend lied, and it’s not because he’s trying to get with her or whatever.
It’s the reason why most otherwise honest people lie. Because they see the thing they want to do as harmless, but know that it will cause drama if they tell the truth.
I don’t think you’ve been “super cool” about this for three years. I think you’ve been seething under the surface in a way that is completely obvious to him.
Without litigating whether or not your issues with this friend are legitimate – and it sounds like some of them are – him wanting to stop by this party for an hour shouldn’t be a big deal and it’s abundantly clear that it would have been.
So he did something lots of people do, which is lie about it.
If you want to hit the reset button on this, and get to a more healthy place about her role in both of your lives, then you need to take responsibility for your share of this: the way you’ve created a situation where he feels like he can’t be friends with her.
Because that’s what’s happening when he says they’re not that close anymore and it’s no big deal, and then he wants to catch up with her. He’s trying to mollify you while maintaining this friendship. He’s absolutely right when he tells you that if he went, you’d be mad. It’s abundantly clear from your own description of things.
So you get to decide if you want to fix this or not. And maybe you don’t. Maybe there’s too much water under the bridge. But fixing this involves both him promising to be more honest AND you not punishing him for that honesty.
Obviously this is escalating (e.g., the elaborateness of his lie) which suggests that he’s aware of your ongoing suspicion. And, I mean, he shouldn’t do that. I’m generally of the opinion that people need to *have the fight* about these sort of friendships rather than try to tiptoe around them, you have to actually have a real discussion and negotiate boundaries that you both feel are fair and reasonable (and to be clear, postponing the birthday dinner for over an hour would be crossing a boundary for pretty much EVERYONE), and you’re not both going to get everything you want but you agree to the rules and you don’t get passive aggressive about them or whatnot.
Do you want to do that? Are you both capable of doing that? Really getting into it and finding mutually acceptable boundaries?
Do you make it safe for him to tell you the truth?
So he did something anyway knowing you would get upset about it and hid it from you and I feel like it’s going to be like that in the future. Is this what you want for the rest of your life — him not telling you what he’s doing he knows you’ll get pissed about it and hides it from you and does it, anyway?! If he respected you he wouldn’t have done it at all…he just does what he wants and doesn’t tell you to avoid drama.
He always intended to go to his “friend’s” party and repeatedly lied to you about it. F that. I don’t care who the person is, he’s being sneaky and disrespectful.
Pushing back your birthday dinner with him so he can see her in person doesn’t make it sound like he’s prioritizing your relationship. So, it’s probably hard to make a safe space for him to tell the truth when it’s not really ok with you. Why don’t you just tell him you’re not comfortable with the friendship he has with a girl he had/has a crush on?