For me, friendships have been superficial and conditional. All my past friends became friends with me because they received something out of it, or they needed another member to round out the group. They would get upset with me when I brought up my genuine concerns about the relationship, and refused to work on them despite them making me change aspects of myself. I cannot remember the last time I referred to someone as my best friend.
I work with a couple of guys who have been having conversations with me, and they actually seek me out to talk to me. It’s confusing, and I feel like I’m under a spotlight. What if I say too much? What if I do or say the wrong thing? What then? Why am I putting myself out there like this?
For example, one of them is an amateur artist, and being that I’ve had a good 10 years of experience despite my young age, he actually takes my advice and listens to me when I tell him about new techniques. I’m not used to that, honestly. Someone genuinely appreciating my feedback, and even seeking it out, is strange. I half feel like a fraud because I’m no professional—I did a year of art school and then decided to switch to teaching.
Im trying to appreciate this change in my life, because friends are friends. But I’m worried they’ll expect something from me before long. And it has nothing to do with them being men, because other women have befriended me and then used me for various things (rides, good grades, etc). I wish I could turn off this nagging voice in my head that I can’t have these friendships because I’m not doing anything to earn them