Hey!
I (M 29) have been on this sub for a while now and want to get something out there.
Every day we get posts from women who either with or without themselves knowing are getting raped, abused and/or severely mistreated by their man. The other day I answered two posts within an hour with basically “Sorry to break it to you, but your boyfriend is raping you”.I am not writing this post because I think us men are lost causes and just want to rant about it, but because I see so many great men and boys here with real resepect for others, and I think there’s potential for impact if we do something about this.Now, what am I really asking for here? I want a discussion about what all of us can do so that this doesn’t continue. I have three proposals:
1. Take a look at yourself. I am and will continue to do so as well. We are 2.2 million members in this sub, and there are bound to be many members guilty of some of these things here, and they might even be aware of it. Just try to be mindful.
2. Make sure to listen to others and respect their feelings and decisions.
3. (This on is important) Peer preasure. I think parents and teachers etc. can have an impact on behavior, but in my view a good peer culture is the most important. People generally care more about what their friends think than what a teacher or a social worker thinks. So, if you see or hear a friend being rude, entiteled, pushy or anything like that, try to tell them it’s not okey. Make a peer culture in your friend group where you urge each other to treat your partners right.
I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, as that is not what I want. I just want to raise this issue that is devestating to look at every day.
29 comments
I support this message wholeheartedly.
I would add: learn to recognize a “soft no.” If someone repeatedly seems disinterested in sex or mentally checked out while you’re trying to initiate sex, maybe just… don’t initiate sex.
Especially in the case of someone you don’t know very well or at all, clearly enthusiastic consent is vitally important.
OP do you live in a sewing shop? Because you appear to be made out of marriage material.
Very good message!
It’s also definitely something about teen culture and porn where everyone knows what blowjobs, deepthroats and w/e are, but most boys haven’t even heard the word clit before.
It’s definitely worth breaking that “taboo” to educate more about healthy sex and female anatomy
If anyone here thinks someone has been raped, they should include in their advice a strong recommendation that the poster contact one of their local sexual assault organizations. These organizations have professional knowledge, resources, know the other local sources of help, have contacts within law enforcement to the right people, etc. These organizations can provide the long term help someone who was raped needs. I started doing this myself and will continue to do so every time I see this.
I pretty much said the same thing in reply to another post and had a guy basically tell me that SA stats are completely made up.
“They include stuff to over inflate the numbers You hit on a girl? Boom! Sexual assault” (paraphrasing, as the mods deleted his shit within 30sec)
There is a problem, and until we confront our own behaviours and the call out the behaviours of those around us, it’s not going to get better. Both sides arguments are whack, the change needs to come from us looking at ourselves individually and as a group.
I feel this is an unpopular opinion but I think we should talk about porn. I think we have a whole generation of porn damaged kids out there that don’t even reflect on why so many practices that would’ve been considered unacceptable to a wider public 20 years ago is now something expected at a first date. And before I get downvoted to oblivion, I’m not passing judgement here. It’s not about morals but about normalization.
As a female who was sexually abused for years, I cannot thank you enough. I’ve never seen anyone make a post like this, I didn’t know men even thought like this. You are a gem.
I recently saw something where “consent” should not be the word taught to people when trying to engage in sexual activity. The word should actually be “enthusiasm”. Just because her mouth says “yes” is she excited? Is she showing eagerness? Or is she shying away? Is she frowning? Is her voice low and timid?
Be mindful that just because their mouths say yes, their body might say no.
Great post! I totally agree with point 3. I think this is the easiest and most effective way of changing the behavior of a lot of guys. I’m a (20m) I have a large circle of guys my age and we’re all girl crazy and do pretty well. And best of all we’re all super respectful, we remind each other about good habits and stuff and talk ab sex all the time. Like the other day at the bar I saw my friend dancin on and kinda gettin it with this girl who I realized was completely wasted and far to gone to give consent so I pulled my friend aside and was like “dude i see you gettin it and that’s lit but just to let you know she looks way drunker then you so don’t have sex with her, just try to get her phone number or something” and he understood and appreciated my concern. I really think it’s small things like that that will really save a lot of heartbreak, legal issues, trauma etc… We really just need more guys to talk to their friends about their sexual behavior. And honestly, being a respectful and caring sexual partner has done me really well and I’ve got some great experiences under my belt that I hold dear to my heart lol.
I think a good thing that would get a lot of men appreciating and understanding what constitutes consent/rape is also about their own bodily autonomy and that they can also be a victim themselves.
I was what I now consider raped by my ex girlfriend years ago and for years, I just dismissed how shitty I felt and the regret over it as just something that I should have been grateful for and just what I needed to do because I was a man and nothing like that could happen to me. Suffice to say having no clue over my own boundaries meant I didn’t respect a woman’s either and had no empathy/sympathy if someone said they had been raped or their own consent revoked.
I’m not saying the amount of men raped is ultimately comparable to women, that it’s worse or even that men need to experience it in order to learn empathy, but it certainly would break a few barriers down.
Can I just had one thing? I’m a woman, I’ve been raped by my ex-bf, but thanks to a great therapist I’ve been over it and living my intimacy with a new partner in the most satisfactory way ❤️ I’m very grateful to everyone that helped me in this process, either my friends, my doctors team and my self-learning of self-respect and defining limits.
We always talk about males being pushy and demanding with their women partners, but let’s not forget that opposite situations happen as well (either hetero or homossexual). My actual bf has been abused by his-ex but no one seems to pay attention or validate the suffering of these cases. Men are human beings, they don’t have to do all the work in sexual interaction, they don’t deserve the pressure, they can show vulnerability and insecurity as well, and they deserve care and attention too. I’m a psychiatrist, studying sexual therapy, and the amount of men that I see struggling with these things break my heart.
Of course, the rate of abuse is probably greater among women, but that is being spoken more and more. But no one talks about men in abusive situations. To all boys and men here, hear me out: you deserve respect, care and comprehension as well. And if you ever struggle with these things, begin to talk about it. Peer support is lacking among male circles and I think you should start to be more supportive of each other. It’s no shame to show your emotions to your friends. And if anyone thinks otherwise, they are wrong. Love to you all ❤️
Men with thoughts like yours is exactly why I left my abusive partner. I knew that even though he told me I’d never find better, there would be men who would respect me.
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This is a good post. Honestly, being a woman, this sub is just depressing as shit sometimes. “My (23f) boyfriend (42m) is choking me almost to the point of passing out during sex, how do I convince him to stop?”
Learning to understand consent and to respect other people are among the many reasons we so desperately need proper sex education. When will it happen in the US?
As a guy, it’s honestly very disconcerting how many women on Reddit don’t seem to realize that they’re being regularly raped by their SO. It’s unreal!
I think education is the main issue. They simply don’t know what rape is unless they’re frantically screaming for the other party to stop.
We need to talk about men’s porn habits.
I am sick of porn invading my relationships.
Anal, hard anal, slapping, derogatory name-calling, weirdly aggressive…
>I hope this doesn’t offend anyone
I’d venture to say that if this offended someone, they’re the ones that need to hear it. Unfortunately, the people that need to read this post and reflect on their behavior wouldn’t give this the time of day.
Hopefully though, if somebody is reading this just remember that you can think about these things in private. There’s no guilt and no judgement when you’re trying to be a better person.
Literally every person I’ve ever dated wouldn’t take no for an answer unless I was aggressive.
The major issue with these posts/college events is that the people listening aren’t the people who need to hear this.
The vast majority of people making a lot of these mistakes aren’t on r/sex reading about how to make better sexual decisions for their partner and garnering the thoughts of others. They’re on red pill forums or other places entirely.
It’s a bit of a misguided effort because it just makes a lot of people who *dont* have these issues overly cautious, scared, and nervous about doing anything. While the men with the actual behavioral issues continue unabated.
We need to figure out a better method of reaching the problem groups without a “PSA that only reaches the ears of men already putting in their best efforts”.
PSA post is probably be locked unless mod approved btw.
Another big thing I’d add is communication. So many people don’t know how to communicate what they want and it causes so much undue stress. This also ties in with empathy. Little embarrassed to admit it but I didn’t learn these things very properly until my early 20s but it helped me get so much more out of my relationships, not just with SOs but friends all around. Men could really use this, though a lot of these things are personal and one has to figure out how they work for themselves
I wonder how long before this post gets deleted. They deleted mine about how a disturbing amount of people come to this sub and describe being sexually abused and assaulted without even realizing it.
I hope this post offends all the right people and helps facilitate proper change and improvement with male behavior in general. This is great and I hope to see more posts like this rise to the top and beacon to other guys out there on how to be a better person.
I’d love to help on your proposal 3, however I got no friends.
On the other side: I will become a teacher in a few years for pupils at the age of 16-30 (some are even older) and I will help here!
No means no, it is really that simple for a person. Male or female.
> Peer preasure.
Can we use this for other things as well? Like mutual respect, personal responsibility and have a good conscious?
>So, if you see or hear a friend being rude, entitled, pushy or anything like that, try to tell them it’s not okay. Make a peer culture in your friend group where you urge each other to treat your partners right.
Misogynistic jokes are by far the most common form men are likely to display to each other. Easy trick to this one that I have actually used before, just ask them to explain what they mean. Pretend you don’t get the joke and ask them to tell you what’s funny about it. Most of the time, they won’t even try, they will just drop it and not make those jokes again. It’s a way to tell them without *really* telling them that that kind of thing isn’t okay.
“Ask any woman you know, and they’ll know a woman- likely more than 1- that has been raped. But ask the men you know, and none of them- not 1- knows a single rapist…..So who exactly is it that they think is doing the raping?”
Men, please talk to your friends. You may find out that they’re doing things to women that you may not agree with…
And if that’s the case, the women of the world would appreciate it if you said something.
Make at least one platonic female friend