I (F27) went on a second date with a seemingly really nice guy (M29). It was right after my birthday and he bought me a whole cake. I tried to enjoy and think it was just nice and someone who enjoys birthdays (because why not a cupcake?) but in the back of my mind I had this nagging feeling there were other intentions. Lo and behold, he walked me back to apartment and stated he wanted to come up (it was a weeknight and I had explicitly told him twice before this date that I had to get up early for work). He didn’t put up a fight when I said no, but it just tainted the date and I feel like I can’t trust nice actions from men because they always seem to expect sex after. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but I just feel disappointed.
6 comments
It’s not a hidden agenda. It’s a very well known fact guys want sex. We either spend time on things that interest us or the woman that interests us. You told him twice already yeah, but he shot his shot (he’s gotta) and it sounds like he took the rejection on the chin like a gentleman.
So you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt of what? That he’s trying to DATE you and DOESN’T want to sleep with you?
If he was obviously salty or passive aggressive when you said no then sure, pass. Otherwise I don’t see the problem here.
Let’s be honest, and I truly wanna know. You wouldn’t have had sex with him no matter what. Am I right? The only reason I ask is because it kinda seems like you sabotage don’t you? Just curious. I don’t know you and pass no judgement, just truly curious.
He sounds like a nice guy. Just FYI, we girls have hidden agendas too. We want closeness and comfort, and nice gifts, and to be treated well. Men want sex. At least most of them do. But that’s what dating leads to. We can’t expect them to give us everything we want and withhold everything they want. If you’re not ready for intimacy, then maybe you’re not ready for dating.
> He didn’t put up a fight when I said no.
So, what’s the problem?
Look, dating is an organic experience. Things can change over the course of the date. He probably tried at the end of the date to test the waters. It’s generally a good way to also gauge how many butterflies a date generated.
I’d be a liar if I said that I hadn’t willingly stayed up a little bit later to accept the company that someone wanted to give it to me when I wasn’t initially desiring it or even expecting it.
Sometimes something sparks inside and maybe, just maybe, you might want the night to continue a little bit longer, and it doesn’t necessarily even have to include sex. Maybe cuddling on the couch for 30 minutes and getting touchy or closer for that time to kinda spur the butterflies a bit more to hold you over until the second date.
To me – and I’m not necessarily saying this was your case – I would consider a date more successful if I had those desires to hang out just a little bit longer past my initial curfew, even If I didn’t actually follow through. That says to me that I enjoyed my time well enough that I’d consider breaking my own rules or stipulations that night for just a little bit longer.
One of the worst things you can do in dating is pre-suppose intent of people. You may not considering it being judgmental, but that’s what it is.
After I got cheated on by my girlfriend by finding out she was having sex with another man and sexting 20+ men in addition to that, I found myself tainting my own dating prospects by silently judging them anytime they looked at their phone. It ruined plenty of potentially great opportunities because I couldn’t get over something.
I don’t know your story, but that sounds like your case as well. Similar to what /u/DifficultNail1198 said, if you’re not ready for the standard prospects of dating which COULD include intimacy (not even necessarily implying it), then you may not be ready for dating.
I wasn’t, and to a certain degree, I’m still not. That takes a lot of reflection and growth to admit that, and I’m not getting any younger turning 30 in 3 months and not having had a real relationship in 4 years. But the time spent bettering myself will be worth it in the end.
Well yes? The whole purpose of it is to reproduce and produce offspring? Of course he’s going to try his luck… if any guy tells you they don’t care about sex is a liar! Number 1 thing every guy says before first contact is “Damn I’d fuck her”.