Alright, time for my turn under the bus. 🥴
I generally get a match maybe every 1-2 weeks. If I’m the one reaching out, I hear back from maybe 5-10% of people, though I’ve been very discouraged lately and haven’t really had an idea of my “success rate” since probably before the pandemic.
Feel free to be completely honest! I know what I’m getting myself into :S
Edit: thanks everyone for your feedback! I got some very constructive feedback which I greatly appreciate 🙂 Link has been taken down.
43 comments
You’re a good looking guy, OP! Surprised you’re not getting more matches but I don’t know how tall you are (it unfortunately does impact your chances) and I suspect the fact that you’re a grad student in your late 30s is hurting you as well. Any chance you’ll graduate and start working soon? Being gainfully employed will really improve your odds.
I think your number of matches will go up when you are no longer a grad student. I’m 40F and a grad student myself, so no criticism from me on your life choices! However… at 35 most women are more professionally established and when I hear grad student I think: no money, no time. When i was 30-35 and in my first career I would have thought, this guy is drowning in student loans, he will not be able to go to dinner at a nice place or go on a vacation. If this is not the case, you may want to make this clear in your profile.
OP you’re a good looking fellow and I would swipe right on you! However I agree with the others who have said that you being a grad student will give a lot of people pause. I spent way too long in grad school myself so I know what it’s like: no time and no money. Maybe add a timeline of when you expect to be finished?
I really dislike two truths and a lie as a prompt. I feel like there’s better ways to indicate the type of person you are or what you’re looking for without people guessing what part is made up.
Stumped here- sorry OP!
(I read your comments about getting the same results prior to grad school, so I’ll rule that out.) Unless it’s something technical, like your search radius isn’t broad enough, or you’re searching in a very conservative leaning town, I am not sure what it could be. The only thing I can tell from this is that you just seem like a very base level, normal dude, and are not bad looking. Have you tried switching apps?
Perhaps include info re: your decision to go back to school in your prompts. Agree with others that being a grad student is scaring potential matches but maybe explaining your decision to pursue education may attract more quality matches. Generally good prompts and photos overall.
Eg: Former engineer aspiring to be XYZ to (insert some social cause).
That first photo isn’t doing you any favours. Slightly overgrown hair and most importantly no smile.
Many women swipe on appearance alone (I don’t but have watched my friends do it).
You have an amazing smile. Find or take a better headshot that gives a better indication of your attractiveness (which you are very attractive)
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted, but your profile has kind of a feminine vibe to it. Maybe it’s the responses like “figuring out what to do with my hair” and “OMGOMGOMGOMG” – just a thought, not meant to be an insult. Best of luck.
I really like your first pic. Great eyes, fun choppy hair, boyish/impish charm. I’m not your demographic but hypothetically I would swipe on that pic alone
But I actually find you less attractive as I scroll down your profile and go through your other pics/prompts
* Never been a fan of 2 truths 1 lie. I’d rather know what music you spun as a DJ, Halloween is a bit overdone in OLD profiles IMHO, and being related to someone famous isn’t particularly interesting unless they cast you in their movie (ahem Sofia Coppola)
* 37 Grad Student makes it sound like you’re still growing up. Since you were a former Engineer maybe say Grad Student/Former Engineer?
* 2nd pic is ok. You look good in the tee and you have a nice smile.
* 3rd pic doesn’t look very crisp and just isn’t particularly interesting or really shows off your personality?
* Bookshelves is cute. But I’d still rather know what you’re filling it with? Fill your bookshelves with Stephen King? Twilight Fan Fiction? Adult coloring books? I have no idea who you really are or what you like yet
* 4th pic it’s a weird position for you, still a bit blurry, and I have no idea what is happening or why you’re showing me this. Manspreading joke isn’t funny too.
* Pay attention prompt. Ah this kinda makes you sound like a curmudgeon get off my lawn type. It certainly doesn’t make you sound fun
* Race pic is ok. Headband doesn’t look good on you tbh. And the green isn’t flattering either.
* Last pic is ok. You seem fun here but my eyes are immediately drawn to your friend who is in way better shape…
Hope this was helpful! I would basically redo everything after your first pic 🙂
But your first pic is absolutely dynamite for me haha
Ugh I feel bad because….okay. Love the first pic, love the profile but…which hair do you have now? Let’s just say the long hair is good.
Once the initial uptick in traffic from your account being new has worn off, a match a week is pretty normal for most guys. Nothing you do is going to substantially change that. The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations.
So I personally don’t love the first pic. It reminds me of a passport photo or drivers license photo. Too many group shots where you’re far away and hard to see. You’re an attractive guy! I would just use a bit better photos, and maybe one less group one.
I liked your profile! I thought it was fun and interesting and you seem to have a good sense of humor. As many others have said, it is tough being in graduate school (just recently graduated). At least for me, it was quite a challenge trying to balance everything and still have time for dating. Good luck!!!
It’s nit picky but most of your photos are low-res/poorly lit and it gives a kind of neutral boring vibe to your profile. I love the jumping off the boat one because it’s actually crisp and colorful, and I like the first one with the long hair. The one in the twins shirt is good too! Running photo is not flattering- again too low res/quality. And the engineers without borders with all the children’s faces blocked out gives a weird vibe to me like you’re using them as props. I’d swipe right on you though!
I’m in Minneapolis and around your age range (42M). I swipe right on about 5% of the profiles I see and get 2-3 matches a day. Women around here are very generous on who they swipe right on vs other parts of the country.
It sounds like you’re in grad school and not working? Why are you not working? That’s going to be a hard no for many women looking for guys in their late 30s.
Your photos are also very low quality.
So I totally love your vibe. Someone said you perhaps had some feminine/”golden retriever” energy emanating – I’m super into that as I am similarly energetic. I’m also a former Minnesotan, hoping to move back to the TC some day, so, Ski-U-Mah!
I think you likely have two issues:
1. There’s probably some level of mismatch with who you’re swiping on. Can’t tell for sure what it is.
2. I feel like I can say this as someone who also went to grad school late-ish (I’m currently 35, started grad school at 30) – there’s this VIBE, with really smart people who have gone into higher education, and it’s off-putting to the average person. It’s nothing we say, it’s the way we talk about things and the way we expect other people to engage with us. It’s almost very vaguely “I’m smarter than you, more cultured than you, have a higher understanding of the world than you.” It’s almost certainly not on purpose for you – it absolutely wasn’t for me when someone told me I had it. It’s super subtle. Probably because you spend a large portion of your time around folks mired in academia these days!
So I would say… let that marinate a little, and see if you can find a way to come off a little more of-the-people… unless you’re looking to attract fellow academics, in which case, carry on sir!
I like your hair!
Being honest your match rate doesn’t sound terrible. I’m an engineer with similar height/build and estimate those are my numbers for most apps.
I have no idea what the back story of the photo is, but the one that looks like you are posing with poor children in a foreign country to show what a good white person you are is a turn off to me. Also, because I find using children as props in OLD to be gross anyway.
I like the first photo! I don’t know your target demographic but I’d swipe right based on that. I’d get rid of the Ben Franklin photo; it’s not flattering and the caption gives me pause.
I don’t mind the photos so much. I would maybe remove the last one, because you’re a student, and you don’t want women to get the idea that you’re immature/have Peter Pan syndrome.
I agree with others that it would be helpful to make clear what you’re in grad school for and what your timeline is. Grad school wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but it’s something I consider when swiping. I just want to make sure the person isn’t going to be chasing down multiple degrees while I’m paying the bills. But if you can reframe it in a way that shows you’re going after your passion and you’ll be gainfully employed in a year, it would definitely help.
Lastly, I’d sub the two truths in a lie with a prompt that expresses what you like to do for fun and/or what you’re looking for on the app. I like to be able to identify things I have in common with the person. Right now love of reading is the only thing you’re really getting across.
I like the first three photos/captions and the “life goals” prompt. The two things that I would suggest changing…
-the comment about “paying actual attention to the people around me” could come off a little bitter/grumpy, like those memes old people share about how smart phones are ruining everything
-the “guess the backstory” pic threw me bc the kids seem to be almost hiding from the camera (I mean their posture, blocking out their faces is the right thing to do). Since you seem to be abroad in the pic, it also might have negative connotations of Western “voluntourism” to some people
Good luck, overall you have a good profile!
Your backstory photo is two white guys with a bunch of black kids behind. Virtue signaling? Or just “look a travelled” either way looks wrong.
Get some better photos of just yourself, scribbled out faces creep me out. Ideally outside. You got a bit less attractive as the pics went on but i like the messy hair so if thats you keep it.
Nothing wrong with being a student implies you have drive. But perhaps a bit more about yourself.
I’m sure you’re lovely but your photos make you look a bit beige
Take out the picture from Engineers in Guatemala – it’s off putting with kids in the picture looking like they don’t want their picture taken. Instead, find some sort of picture with you in nature in Guatemala.
I like your hair in the first picture! The rest just seem a little generic to me, but I’m an artsy person so my type is a little off-beat.
Are you in Grad school for public health? If so, that may be an issue with debt to opportunity ratio
You’re a good looking dude but your pictures aren’t doing you justice…
My advice, get a fresh styled haircut a pair of really great fitting jeans and one or two good fitted shirts. And retake some pictures.
I like the Ben Franklin pic – you seem fun, slightly nerdy in a good way and you look natural.
First pic, your hair looks over grown, my instant assumption is that your appearance isn’t important to you. Also, not loving the mug shot angle… angling your face, don’t look directly at the camera. I
Grad student in your 30s, I’d assume you’re a late bloomer and don’t have your stuff together financially. Add some color around that.
I’m a 34f.
It’s vaguely off putting somehow.
First photo look like a mugshot.
Second photo look awkward.
Third is kind of out of focus.
The text associated with the words just feels like you are somehow showing off.
Lots of people will swipe left on displays of white saviorism – no need to put up pics of kids in other countries. It’s weird and looks like you’re trying to show off by using kids as a photo opp.
I like you in your first picture, but I don’t care for the background – it’s probably because I really hate oak, but I digress. Can you do the same look/pose with a better backdrop, perhaps outside? I’m also assuming it’s a selfie (though you’re good at hiding that) – I’d have someone else take your new headshot.
Buy some better fitting clothes (slimmer jeans, smaller shirts with shorter sleeves) and consider going to the gym or doing yoga to fill out your upper arms, shoulders, and chest a bit more. You’ll look amazing with all that
I’ve seen a few people say they don’t like your “pay actual attention” response, but I actually really appreciated that. When I was on OLD I had just gotten out of a relationship where my partner was constantly on his phone and addicted to all the screens in his life. I was looking for someone who recognized that can be an issue. I think you can probably get the same point across in a less sarcastic manner so that would address the commenters saying you sound grumpy.
First impressions:
* **Photo #1**: This is your worst photo, I’m sorry to say. The tight-lipped non-smile is giving mugshot and the photo itself is cropped in way too close.
* **Two truths and a lie** – Agreed with others that this prompt is never that interesting, even if the actual truths about your life are interesting. I would find another prompt where you can share your truths.
* **Photo #2**: This photo is okay. I think that when people say that your photos are “low quality”, they mean a combination of things that I see in this photo and others: they’re low-def, not in flattering lighting, are over/underexposed, backlit, or the white balance is off. But I will say that this photo has wholesome vibes, which is always positive.
* **Photo #3**: “Ease up on the manspreading there, Ben!” is a genuinely hilarious caption.
* **A life goal of mine** – Great prompt answer! Your writing is good overall.
* **Photo #4** – Like others mentioned, this photo reads white-savior-y. The actual story behind it that you put in the comments here is fine, but I would consider removing this photo regardless. There are so many other white people who use this exact kind of picture with non-white kids as props in the background. It just gets old and can be misinterpreted even though your intentions are good.
* **My greatest strength** – This is an interesting answer. Some people who are really into their phones may find it judgmental, but you probably wouldn’t want to date those kinds of people anyway.
* **Photo #5**: Again, not the best photo ever but it’s okay.
* **Photo #6**: Contrary to others, I do think this is a fun photo and the caption is fun.
Why is running in a race a “quarter life crisis.” Maybe I am missing the joke. I’m personally always turned off by “jokes” about a normal activity like it’s something extra special or when you try to dumb down an activity. You ran a marathon, so have millions of others. It’s a healthy activity, be proud of that. For me the title would be better if you just said “finished the blah blah Marathon in whatever city.”
You’re a smoke house🥵
Overall your profile looks really good! Only thing is that I would omit the engineers without borders photo. The kids don’t look like they wanted to be photographed at all and it brings up some weird vibes for me.
it’s totally fine – nice variety of pics and all of them show you as a solid, fun guy. your prompts text is fine too. I don’t think any changes will move the needle all that much in either direction.
People are saying the long hair is working for you (I sorta agree), so maybe go out and about with someone willing to take a few action shots with your hot new look?
I would be torn which way to swipe with this one personally. You’re approachable, which is nice, but I don’t leave your profile feeling like I really know much about your personality. Some of the pics could use improvement-esp the race selfie. It’s just not a great picture and makes me wonder why you don’t have any better options.
I decided to give online dating one more shot a couple years ago, and honestly had fun with my profile. I’m late 30’s and actually met my wife doing what I did. I made a list of things I needed in someone. Like have a job, don’t be a party girl, no alcoholics, if all your pictures are filtered I won’t talk to you, 6 kids I’m not interested, if you have pictures posing on or by a dodge charger or challenger. I also had a picture of me standing under graffiti that said “fuck your mom”. I have a dark, but great sense of humor, and need that in who I’m with.
Cliff notes version, have fun with it, don’t take it seriously and you’ll get matches. My wife said every guy except me was trying to give off that baller look, or just looked like a douchebag. I stood out.
Edit: I’m a firefighter and Medic, she’s a physician. I’m sure related fields (medical) helps. But I had 1 picture of me at work, and apparently women like firefighters with tattoos… so the filtering I did with my smart ass list and unconventional pictures worked.
“Low quality” photos just means blurry, or not really showing what you might look like in person! Also I would say a face forward, closer, SMILING photo goes a lot way!
I gotta say, it looks great to me. If I lived near you I’d match with you!
first photo looks a bit like a mug shot
PERSONALLY, I wouldn’t be into the “let’s debate this topic” topic even though I’d appreciate that you didn’t just play guitar like 60% of men. I just don’t like it because it seems like a rather niche debate topic, whereas I think this prompt is better for things 90% of people have a strong opinion on rather than 10%
Like others, I don’t like 2 truths and a lie, partially because I sometimes forget one is a lie and get confused. But also these are kinda boring if you’re going that route – who cares if you’re born on Halloween unless they want to steal your identity?
Life goal isn’t terrible but it feels like all the answers you’re giving are very surface skimming.
The phone thing feels a bit judgy? IDK. And for someone who pays attention you clearly didn’t notice everyone deciding like 5 years ago that it was not kosher to use random photos of brown kids to sell yourself on dating apps :p
just saying
I know this sounds weird but your profile almost has too much explanation? At least for me. I’ve never seen someone write so much about their photos. Feels a bit “grandpa getting out the photo album” or something. Might be overreaching here
Good luck! I don’t think your profile is bad. Just suggesting things based on you not getting many matches.
What are your settings?