So my wife and I have a 19 year old, who is a college freshman and lives away from home. He LOVES music and concerts, so naturally that restrictions have been lifted on live events, he wants to attend as many shows as he can on weekends (that are local or within an hour drive). She doesn’t think it’s a good idea and he should stay at school most weekends.
First, these shows are maybe 1 a weekend and not EVERY weekend.
I love music and live music as well, always have and I’m in my mid 40s. Most shows, he asks me to go with him and his friends. She has no desire to go to concerts.
So now, if I don’t back her when she tells him to stop attending so many shows (with his money he’s earned for tickets), it becomes an issue.
Advice?
17 comments
How are his marks? Does he take his schooling seriously? If so I would let him work it out and go, our daughter is a couple of years older and had gone over two years without a concert, she really misses them. I don’t understand why this is such an issue for your wife?
Your kid is a legal adult living away from home, it’s not really her job to police his life/habits anymore.
(1) She should have talked to you before making a unilateral decision and communicating it to your son.
(2) Your son is 19 and needs to be making his own decisions. Hopefully by this point you have taught it to make good decisions. Either way, you can’t hold his hand throughout life. Furthermore, you can’t be there to know what he does and does not do with his own money. If you pay for things (like college) you need to be clear about your expectations–like “if you don’t keep your grades up, then we don’t pay anymore.” He might end up going to too many concerts and then bombing his classes and then having to leave college, but those are natural consequences. Wouldn’t you rather that he messes us now, at 19? What’s the alternative, micromanaging him all his life? How is he going to learn the consequences of his actions?
He’s 19 using his own money I’m not even sure why he has to get permission? Am I missing something? Not trying to be rude just curious.
Sounds like the real issue is that she’s not happy about you going to concerts. What’s up with that?
It’s his money and he’s an adult. 🤷♀️
As others have said, he’s a legal adult, does not live at home, and is presumably using his own money. There should be nothing to disagree about, because you literally don’t have a say in this.
He’s a legal adult and as long as his grades are good it’s ok for him to go to concerts on the weekend. I find it really sweet that he asks you to come with his friends to concerts 🙂 makes me think I should hang out with my parents more.
Idk the answer but make sure he gets some good quality ear plugs!
Why does if bother her? You can’t control a 19yr old anyway. I am an admitted concert whore LOL. I have really missed that with COVID. I think it’s awesome that you can share that with your kid! She is being unreasonable.
Every time you respond, you say, “I think she doesn’t want him to miss out on campus life on weekends.” Has she said that? Why does she feel that way?
Also, many mothers have a hard time giving up that control.
But I think it’s vital to remind her of healthy boundaries to create with her son. Her opinion can always be given, but she will need to learn to ultimately respect his decisions and allow him to learn on his own. The whole purpose of them going off to college is to experience life. He will make good decisions and bad decisions, which need to be his own. Not his mothers.
Here’s a personal experience essay he wrote in his Public Speaking class:
Today, many people have distinct coping mechanisms. These mechanisms assist individuals in getting through situations that may be stressful, seem depressing, or increase anxiety. Many people learn to cope with unpleasant emotions by talking to others about what is bothering them. Another way of coping is to find an activity you enjoy and can participate in regularly. Personally, when I am feeling depressed or emotionally drained, I can find an escape by listening to music.
For most of my teenage years to now, music has played a major role in my life and has affected me positively. Listening to music has been an effective way for me to cope with certain situations and emotions. Most of the time, my mood and feelings determine the type of music I listen to. On days when I am feeling positive and bright, I tend to listen to a more upbeat style of music that helps to increase those feelings and take my mind away from daily stresses. On days that are not going so well and I am not mentally in the best place, I find myself gravitating toward a more relaxed and smooth style of music. This style of music helps to ease my mind and allows me to relax. Listening to music has become a part of my daily routine. It helps me deal with the stresses of life and brings me happiness throughout the day.
Attending concerts and live shows is another way to forget about troubles and surround yourself with like-minded individuals. In the past, I would try to attend two to three concerts a month with different groups of friends. When attending a live show of one of your favorite bands, you live in the moment. You hear the music, feel the energy of the crowd, and forget about anything except that moment in time and those who are experiencing the event with you. You can forget about everything that is troubling you. Attending concerts was my favorite thing to do. It was one of the few things that would help me to forget everything except that moment in time. In a way, concerts became my form of therapy.
Everything changed when the COVID-19 virus hit. As a way to prevent the spread of the virus, many venues were forced to close and tours were either canceled or postponed. In an instance, my favorite coping mechanism and outlet to release stress were gone. This became an extremely stressful situation in itself. It has been difficult for me to accept the fact that I would not be able to attend events that had brought so much positivity and helped me cope with unpleasant emotions and feelings. Now, these cancellations have made me realize how extremely grateful I am to have music in my life daily.
The dude’s 19. Why are you still parenting him?
His life. His choice.
Go to the shows! Let your son go to the shows! We have missed them so much for almost two years. Live music is good for the soul and going to concerts is very normal for college students. I’m so glad I have been to as many concerts as I have. It’s what I missed most during the pandemic. If your child’s grades aren’t suffering, there is no harm, only benefit.
Your son is an adult.
Why does what you think matter at all?
As a parent you can express concern for what your child does if you feel they are doing something harmful to themselves or others. However they are an adult and get to make their own choices.
She doesn’t get to tell him what to do anymore. He’s officially a grown ass man.
Now your wife gets more of a say in what you do since that behavior more directly impacts her.
Your son is an adult, sounds like your wife is having a problem acknowledging that.