I’m losing respect for my best friend because he’s becoming a loser.

32 comments

1. Oh Yeah and when you try and point that shit out to be helpful even if you do it really nice, in my situation he got hella butt hurt and called me a dick

2. Spend less time (or none at all) with him online & offline if you’re feeling burnt out
   You don’t have to tell him anything, just let it be and find new friends

   If he wants to keep being your friend, he will catch up. You have no control of other people.

3. I has a similar situation once. A friend that didn’t progress in life, where I went on and didn’t stay at the level that kept me indoors and introvert. Sometimes we hang out but there was no positive output from that side. I started to get annoyed more than it gave me any positive energy. I stopped trying to stay in contact and I wasn’t talked to anymore. I felt sorry a bit cause I think this friend didn’t have that much friends. But we’re just not on the same level anymore. This happens. I don’t want to be dragged down again, I come from a deep well and the way this friend spoke about stuff and handled things wasnt getting me anywhere.

4. You are developing more quickly than him and that’s okay. Everyone has their own timeline. At 22 I was living similar him and it took to at least 27 to realize I needed to turn around and start caring more. To this day I still struggle to “grow up” but that’s my own journey to recognize. Folks will come and go, it’s part of life and sometimes sucks. Other times you meet some really awesome people who might even be too motivated for you and you may find yourself wanting that old boring stoner friend.

5. Don’t feel to bad. You have progressed to the next life stage. Unfortunately your friends hasn’t, and now poses a risk of dragging you down. So, limiting your interacting to an occasional get together is in your best interest.

6. This is going to keep happening more and more, and will continue your whole life. It’s natural, but can be painful.

   If you truly find yourself only “tolerating” him during your visits rather than enjoying the time, you have to make some sort of change. Try letting him know that “hanging out” doesn’t really do it for you anymore, and that you’d love to see him in a more active way: getting together every week or two for lunch out, or meeting up to play basketball at a park, etc. Transitioning out of a “hang out on the couch and smoke while playing Mario Kart” style of socializing is something that naturally happens with many adults. We get busy, and downtime is precious. Give him the chance to understand that. Then at least you are giving him the opportunity to change to meet your needs.

7. Just remember, you’re not his therapist.

8. You’re only 22, I wouldn’t expect y’all to have your life figured out by then. It is a little concerning, but one day he might wake up and realize that it isn’t sufficient. In any case, I’d distance myself and get a new circle of friends if he’s impacting your day to day that much. Hanging around slobs is never fun

9. I look at relationships in my life as if I’m a CEO. You can promote, demote, or fire anyone.
   Sometimes it can be hard but beneficial to leave friends you love.
   My best friend of many years is dealing cocaine and doing it all the time now. I demoted him after many talks as I’ve had some substance abuse issues in the past and It was affecting me. I don’t see him very much anymore and I’ve been doing better lately for myself.
   I don’t expect him to change, but I gave him my opinion on some things he’s been doing and let him know I might need to distance myself from him and it’s not his fault, but something I need to do for me.

   Loyalty is important; but hurting yourself to keep others afloat is not. Prioritize yourself. After awhile, you may need to treat him like an ex girlfriend and only catch up with him here and there.

10. You should each have other friends besides each other… everybody should try to have some friends who are ahead of them in goals and some who are not. One is not more important than the other, but they each have their own purpose. You really don’t have to think negatively about him, though.

11. Just remember it’s you whose changing the relationship here. You are the one who is changing lifestyles. And that’s OK. He’s just not on the same page as you anymore. When he calls and you’re too tired from work or you’ve gotta catch up on housework tell him exactly that.

    I found this adjustment hard when I had kids and most of my friends weren’t there yet (had my first at 24) I just started inviting them to meet me where I was at. “I’ve got a mountain of laundry in front of me but if you feel like helping fold I’d love to see you” meant some of my friendships drifted and became more distant but I was surprised at how many were happy to take me up on the offer. It changed the dynamic for the better even helped one friend realize where she was at in life vs where she wanted to be.

    If you’ve gotta clean your place you could ask him to come for a coffee and hang out while you do. In my experience it will either act as a wake up call for him to see what adult life is like or you’ll start hearing from him a lot less becuase he isn’t ready to face the adult world. Either way guilt free way to change the game without being mean to your friend.

12. When I was 21, I was that guy and my best friend left me.

    Ftr, I wasn’t smoking weed, but I did play video games, I was agoraphobic, my social life in high school had been a failure, and I was going through some stuff. He wasn’t, he was thriving and exploring, taking his first vacations with his earned money, finding a girlfriend, growing non-stop.

    I saw it coming from a mile away. I saw all the other people I didn’t get along with grow past me, and I never understood why I couldn’t find the gist of that for myself. As soon as he got a girlfriend and shortly started driving his car regularly I knew the friendship was ending. One day we took a walk in our safe routine and he said something like “For me you’ve always just been a *convenient* friend who lives around the corner.” and then he couldn’t say the rest of what he was ruminating about or something but I didn’t say anything in return. I just knew that that was the first time in the 15 years we had been friends that he was saying something serious about our friendship, and that it meant that the course had run.

    It was very hard on me, but ultimately I was just a deadweight and I couldn’t figure out where to go.

13. Back in high school I had a friend like that. I got to the point and told them I no longer want to be friends anymore because I have to focus on my studies.(I am 27 now) About 4ish years ago they contacted me out the blue. They told me they stopped smoking weed and started doing harder drugs but stopped.( I know that you can’t just STOP out of the blue). Anyway…My advice would be just be honest and walk away.

14. You can tell him, that you worry about him and his future.

    Also acknowledge, that you know it’s his life and if that’s how he chooses to spend his life, you can’t change that and won’t try to.

    You could also bring up the different chapters you’re in right now, that’s quite on point how you phrased that. Make sure to wish him the best of luck.

15. Out of interest what would make him worthy of your respect?

16. If you grow apart, you grow apart. That’s fine and that happens as people get older. But what would anybody gain by telling him he’s lazy, his girlfriend is useless, etc? It likely won’t motivate him to change his behavior, but it likely would make him feel bad and make him angry with you. Just allow the relationship to come to its natural conclusion if that’s what’s up, but there’s no need to name call and make him feel bad.

17. Who cares that he doesn’t have his shit together yet. Just because he isn’t as accomplished as you doesn’t mean you have to end your friendship. You seem like a real dick brother. Ngl.

18. With all respect, you want someone who motivates you and lifts you up. You can also be the candle in someone else’s story.

    Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting you become his therapist. But sometimes people need to go through the bad times to learn what is most needed. If he’s your friend and you feel up to it, support him when he’s down, etc.

    If you feel it isn’t adding to your life, phase it out. Replace the time and effort with the things you want to do. Spend more time with people you want to, friends and family.

    But there’s no need to be unkind. If you’re harsh with the intention of staying the course, it’s an intervention. If you’re harsh just to make a point, you probably don’t need to be.

19. I dont know why you shouldn’t be honest with him…
    In a non-dramatic but friendly way…
    You could say something along the lines of that you like him and care for him, but probably you are progressing at different speeds and are in somehow different stages…
    That you both still have things in common, but others not so much, and bc of it you won’t hang out as much as before… And that’s probably ok…
    And ask what are his feelings about this…

20. I don’t understand what any of this has to do with being friends with him. You don’t agree with his personal life choices? Okay. I don’t agree with a lot of my friends’ life choices either, but that doesn’t stop me from being friends with them. Are you mad because he doesn’t do what you tell him to?

21. Is he depressed? He might need help if he’s not sure how to help himself. It makes sense why you’re growing apart but Ik I would feel bad if my friend needed me and I didn’t recognize it so I just grew apart.

22. Saying that your best friend is “becoming a loser” is so lame. What makes you not a loser? Going to school, working full time for the next 35+ years proud of your grind then retiring to take care of your grandkids? If you dont vibe with him anymore then fine, but you’ll never be in any position to look down on others for their life choices. Dont be such a loser.

23. I get that but also kind of sat we all see this as someone worth while works has their own place a good partner etc.. I feel this is more conditioned.. although yes absolutely it can get boring hearing the same old

24. Well I have to say it’s amazing you feel this way at your age and that’s a good sign.

    Follow your intuition, don’t ignore it. I lost out on many healthy relationships because I grew up in a toxic environment and around toxic people. I tried to motivate my closest friends to be more productive and healthy but it didn’t help. I graduated college at 27 and became a nurse. My friends were dealing with baby momma drama and gradually became depressing to be around which actually impacted my mental health to a degree. I finally got tired of the negativity and changed my number then deleted theirs so I had no way of communication even if I tried. I’ve been focusing on myself since then and I’m in a much better place now. I have one friend left who’s emotionally draining and I’m slowing phasing myself out of her life.

    Ending friendships are difficult, but at the end of the day you’re the only person you can truly count on. I’d advise you to have a conversation with your friend, but don’t tell him you’re losing respect for him (trust me that doesn’t help. Been there and done that twice). If he doesn’t improve then you might be better off cutting ties.

    Remember, people are going to judge you by the company you keep. If your friends are bums, then you’ll be viewed as one by association. Best of luck bro.

25. I’m that friend who became unmotivated and unhappy in life. I had a really close friend who backed away from me and it honestly really hurt to lose her, but of course it was fair. We did have less to talk about every time we met and she’s been pretty successful lately, I’m super proud of her.

    For me, though, I could not get myself motivated. I didn’t really have anyone pushing me nor was I able to push myself when it really mattered. I wish she would have given a little extra effort to try to lift my chin when it was down

26. 1000% relate man, had the same issue with my best mate from high school. I finished up school, got an apprenticeship, got my license, kicked the buds and started living. Wasted so much time trying to lift him up probably a good couple of years but he wouldn’t and still hasn’t adopted change. 8 years later still the same story.

    You can’t help somebody that doesn’t want to be helped. Don’t feel guilty for putting distance between yourselves, you don’t have to cut him off or anything I still catch up with said mate from time to time for events ect and we’re still cool. But you won’t catch me dead going to hang out in the shed and watch him waste away.

    Best advice would be to get busy yourself, if he tries to initiate to hang out you can always invite him along, might even have a positive influence on him as well.

27. Quite demanding of a 22 year old

28. Oh I know this situation all too well. This was a friend that I myself had when we were both 18. She did the exact same garbage that your friend is doing. And I was going to college, holding down a part time job, dating a new guy, and just basically getting ahead in life. And I too, had less and less to talk about every single time we hung out.

    Your opinion of him isn’t judgmental in my opinion. It’s very valid.

    My practical suggestion is to ask him what he plans on doing in the near future… like what are his next steps, what exactly does his immediate future look like, what are his aspirations? Pay attention to his answers. And pay attention to HOW he responds. Does he give you short answers? Does he try and change the subject? Does he become awkward? If the conversation seems to be going down a bad path, don’t push it, but be observant. That should tell you everything you need to know.

    And who knows? Maybe he does need a swift kick in the ass. But from a peer and not an authority figure. If you’ve known him for ten years, this might be the logical solution. You’ll be the fresh voice telling him to step up his game (because it doesn’t sound like he wants to hear it from his parents anymore), so it might hit different coming from you.

    Don’t be afraid to slowly phase him out of your life, if all else fails.

29. Nudge, not judge

30. My best friend of 40 years has never managed to get her life together. It has had no impact whatsoever on my respect for her. We are different people. We each have a different tool set, unique challenges and different goals.

    The key thing is, when you love a person for who they are, you may feel sadness for them that they are not achieving everything that they want for themselves, you may feel anxiety for them if they are taking undue risks, but you won’t loose respect or love for their person. None of my friendships are depenent on what the other person achieves – just who they are as a person. Are they honest, kind, etc. After 10 years, it is reasonable to expect a friendship to be based on who the person is.

    When you are disappointed in someone else’s failure to “achieve”, it is because you are projecting your expectations and values onto that person. Your love for them is highly conditional.

    If their failure to achieve is impacting you, that is something you negotiate separately. With my best friend, I got into a cycle of helping her with things because she found it easier to get others to do things for her. That was enabling – and we talked directly and honestly about disentangling that dynamic, because it was harmful for us both. I still help her where I can, but I do not take over responsibility.

    Those kinds of conversations and good boundary-setting make sense as do conversations you may have if the person is taking risks that may end with their harm. You can say you are concerned that their involvement in drugs may lead to their being incarcerated or involved in drug crime. What does not make sense is expecting your friend to date someone else because you find their girlfriend “dumb and useless”, etc.

    If you bring the critique to your friend that he is becoming a loser and that you are losing respect for him, you would essentially be, telling your friend that your love for him is conditional and requires them to achieve certain goals. It will not make him change his approach but it will certainly damage your relationship with him and may make him lose respect for you.

    You would be better served sitting down and asking yourself what the friendship really means to you and then work on developing better interpersonal boundaries, because right now, you are not being a good friend.

31. Outgrowing friendships is normal don’t feel that and

32. This post low key kind of hit me hard since I am in your friend’s situation minus the weed part. I don’t do anything with my life. Just attend classes and do my homework, play games and live with my parents. It caused me to end things with my best friend because she was married, had a job and wanted to progress.

    Depending on how your friend processes things, I feel like it is still a very hurtful truth to hear. So it feels easier to let things drift apart.