Hello, 31F here. I’ve been on 4 dates with 33m who I met on OLD a month and a half ago. Yesterday I wasn’t expecting a Valentines Day related gift or to hear from him because we don’t text everyday. So it was a pleasant surprise to get a picture of him and his parents’ dog (he spent the weekend out of town at their place) texted to me yesterday. I responded “Aw cuties 😍” and then probably did something I shouldn’t have and am now cringing at. I sent a GIF of Homer telling Marge “happy Valentine’s Day” where they’re just at the kitchen table, nothing implying love, hearts or flowers and he never responded. It’s been 24 hours and I feel silly. We’ve never really talked about what we are looking for but have expressed we are interested and want to see where this goes. Also, he’s moving to another state for his graduate program this summer. Wondering if this is the cue for me to let it go and move on. We have plans to see each other on Sunday which we made over the weekend and I don’t know if that’s even going to happen anymore. I’m prone to anxious attachment and maybe I’m just overthinking things. Advice for handling the anxiety that comes with the early stages of dating? Anyone else have any Valentine’s Day blunders with new dates? Just me? 😅
42 comments
You are way overthinking this. If that gif was enough to trigger his flight instincts, he’s a big baby and a loser.
Don’t settle girl. If he’s too “freaked out” to react to an innocent GIF from a woman he’s seeing then he ain’t the one. A simple “you too” or heart emoji would’ve sufficed.
I think it might be a sign that he isn’t that serious especially as he’s moving out of state.
The anxiety is normal. Especially if you don’t text everyday. How do your texts normally end? With me and my significant other, we will sometimes end our conversations via text just apurtly just to start another conversation later. Not like mid question or something like that. But he may have just seen the gif as a nice gesture and didn’t send one back. I’d try to start up another convo or talk about something you normally would, hang out if possible and see if anything feels off.
Omg sweetie you did nothing wrong here!!! You are totally fine, that guy just sucks. Please don’t feel weird about it, I’m sorry that you feel anxious.
After 4 dates and a month and a half I would have totally appreciated the gif. I don’t think it was too much at all.
You said you don’t text every day. It’s been less than 24 hours since V-Day. I wouldn’t worry about it.
This says way more about him than it does you. If he cannot acknowledge this and/or is over analyzing this gif (which was appropriate for the length of time you’ve been dating), for anything other than it was (a cute acknowledgement of the “holiday”), then you have your answer as to what this is.
If anyone is going to act like this over a gif, you do not need them in your life.
Do not second guess your actions.
You’re overthinking this.
As far as I see this it’s a win-win for you. It’s a harmless text, and yes you’re overthinking it, but if it bothers him so much that he just ghosts you then you’re much better off. You win in both scenarios.
OP, you say you have anxious attachment and there’s a pattern with these types I observed.
When the person they are dating is doing something negative, for example not showing enough interest (in your case: not responding to a text), instead of “judging” them based on this negatively perceived behaviour (like “wow lame, no text back”), they always see that negative behaviour as NEUTRAL (justified, good) and instead they put the negativity on themselves (“I sent an embarrassing thing, I did a bad thing”).
People with anxious attachment seem to:
1. feel responsible for other people’s emotions to an extent that is not warranted and
2. have the underlying mindset of “other people are good, I am bad”
This creates the anxiety. If people mistreat you, if people leave you, it’s always a judgment on YOU. Very scary. And because people are good and you are bad, it’s actually your fault if that happens so you better watch out!! Watch your step!! Ahhhh anxiety!! Why is he not responding?? Am I bad??? Omg I’m bad!!
Anyway, I just want to encourage you to feel free to judge other people in these situations. And I don’t mean “judge” as in “hate them for it”, I just mean to trust that they are responsible for their own behaviour. You are allowed to let his behaviour form or change the opinion you have of him. Without judging yourself (which causes your embarrassment), what do you REALLY feel about HIM ignoring you? How does it affect what you feel for HIM (instead of what you feel for yourself)?
u urself said u guys dont text everyday so its no big deal that he hasnt texted u back yet. keep ur plans with him this we, ill bet he didnt think twice about it . . . ur good!
You are WAY overthinking this, by a mile.
Key phrase: “I responded with…”
YOU gave the closing remark. Guys think binary. We always have, we always will. A = B. This equals that. This means this and so on and so forth. This is normal.
He probably looked at it as he sent you something on V-Day and then you sent him something back so he feels validated and is probably looking forward to the next time you talk.
We don’t think like you.
EDIT: By “you” I don’t mean YOU personally lol. Sorry if that seemed insulting. I didn’t mean it that way.
I feel like that GIF would have been fine even if you’d just started talking THAT DAY. I wouldn’t assume it freaked him out. If it did, to reiterate what other commenters have been saying, I think that’s waaaay more about his attachment stuff than it is yours.
Nah. I had one guy say it after one date and another guy say it who I haven’t actually gone on the date with yet. Neither struck me as weird. Its just a holiday saying like merry Christmas, you can say it to anyone.
Hes either ghosting you for another reason or hes just really weird. But the key thing for you to remember is that *you* acted normal and did nothing to be embarrassed for.
you did nothing wrong. stop being so hard on yourself
Does he usually take longer to text back?
If you feel like like your “relationship” is so fragile that sending an innocent GIF will ruin it — do you really want to be in it?
Are you sure he got it? My data gets weird when I travel and messes with video/picture/link texts.
Just send another light text asking how it’s going with his family or something.
I would assume he’s been busy with his family to respond, or he’s socially awkward and doesn’t know how to respond to that gif. The gif was fun and harmless.
Haha this is cute. You’re just overthinking it. Go relax
Chiiiillllll
First time?
As someone who overthinks every thing (and spends days in a shame spin and embarrassment cycle after doing something dumb), I can honestly promise you that sending a Simpsons GIF is not a big deal. It’s funny and lightweight, and you weren’t professing your undying love for the dude. You were literally just wishing him a happy holiday. I sent valentines messages to tons on people in a platonic sense.
Maybe he doesn’t like the Simpsons. If so, red flag, OP, red flag!
I know it’s hard to stop the intrusive thoughts. Take a deep breath and try distract yourself when they happen. Also, if the anxiety gets super bad, consider chatting to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds.
I agree with the other comments that you should trust your instincts here and don’t feel bad if someone isn’t meeting your expectations. I’m also of the anxious attachment breed and this would have made me feel like crap too but that’s ok! Find yourself someone that can communicate better with you because that’s what you really want and that’s what you deserve.
Nah, there is nothing cringe about that.
Don’t even trip.
Oh Lord… You are WAAAY overthinking this,.. please. Don’t feel cringe or embarrassed.. sometimes ppl are just busy . I’m.sure he’ll get back to you, or possibly he is like me he has responded but forgot to hit the “send” arrow!
I am a relationship person and truly hate the dating process myself. when men don’t respond it always has me overthinking as well. . im sure everyone is going to tell you to have zero expectations however I think we both know that this is more easily said than done. I am just going to cross my fingers that you guys see each other on Sunday and have a good time.
maybe shoot him a text friday to see if you are still on for Sunday?
I hope things work out…dating is so rough.
Leave him on read. Reciprocate what they gave you.
You did nothing wrong or embarrassing.
You are overthinking this!
He is thinking about the fact that his car needs an oil change.
By the way, I use VD Day as a networking opportunity to keep in touch with good friends.
I texted everyone I care about and also friends and told them Happy Valentines Day.
It was fun catching up!
You didn’t do anything wrong! If he freaks out about a simple gif, it tells much more about him than about you. A small piece of advice as someone with anxious attachment: if it doesn’t feel good & easy with someone on a consistent basis, it’s because this person is not meeting and will not meet your needs and it’s time to wave him goodbye (as difficult as it can be sometimes).
It almost feels like my own story… I (31F) have seen this guy (26M)3 times already in one week only (too much maybe ?) and it got intimate on the last date. On Valentine’s Day he sent me a cute « happy Valentine’s Day 🥳 » and later explained he didn’t really like the concept but wanted to send me something nice, which was cute ! We had planned to go to a 4th date on Wednesday (today) and I still have no info about it… I initiated all the last dates and told him he could take the lead but not getting any update on the date even the day before… is getting me big anxiety, I’m always expecting to get ghosted at some point with OLD dates…
I totally understand how you feel… I am quite sensitive and get attached to people. Also honesty is one of the things I value the most and I never understand why people are not honest… like if you don’t want to meet anymore just say it.
Fellow anxious attachment here who used to feel the same way after sending things like you did. Chances are you’re 100% overthinking it. Their response (or non-response) is not a reflection of you or what you sent, it’s a reflection of themselves.
And if he honestly makes a big deal out of a gif like that, do you really want to be with someone like that?
I know it’s hard, and I know exactly how you’re feeling but it’s probably nothing. To deal with the anxiety I usually sit with it and ask myself, why am I feeling anxious? Answer that. And then continue to ask yourself questions about it until you get to a “okay well what am I going to do if this person thinks I’m cringe because I sent something I thought was cute/funny/etc” and have a backup plan for whatever your scenario is. It grounds me and helps me keep the things that I can control in perspective.
Don’t worry girl, there is always someone nice out there waiting to love you the way you want to be loved
Shoulda used Ralph’s “I choo choo choose you” – works every time!
I’m a guy in a sort of similar attachment situation. The woman in dating is absolutely terrible at texting. She will read my messages and then reply hours later, something I never understood. Tbh, I haven’t discussed this with her. However, for my own sanity, I started doing something new.
“She will reply when she has something to say.”
It’s a simple line that helps me not overthink.
Nothing wrong with what you are doing . I think it’s him if anything . After 4 dates and not texting daily is a red flag . I feel if a guy is interested he will text daily or call daily . He will not leave space because he afraid to lose you . The not talking often is a issue .
Could he might have thought your reply, as a reply to his?
Ending up in him thinking he don’t need to reply again?
You’re putting a lot of value in a gif.
Probably just you.
Look if the wrong GIF choice ends things, it’s safe to say the relationship would have hit problems eventually anyway.
Don’t overthink this.
If it makes you feel any better, I also sent a Simpsons Valentine gif that went unacknowledged lol. Been on 4 dates w/ a guy as well. He was out of town for a long weekend but texted me something Monday morning (nothing about V day) that I way over-analyzed and it had me thinking maybe he was sending me something. I was anxious all day hoping that flowers or something would show up, but nope. Later on I sent him a message saying that I hoped he was having fun on his trip w/ a Simpsons gif that said “Happy Valentine’s Day”. He responded but did not acknowledge that gif part of the text and just carried on w/ conversation as normal. Womp womp. Feeling friend zoned. I wouldn’t say I feel embarrassed but I do feel like he might not be feeling the same way.
I’m anxiously attached too but honestly if a simple gif is enough to be the final straw, he was on the way out whether you sent it or not. Someone who wants to be with you wouldn’t react negatively to the gif. If he bails on Sunday, that’s on him.