About five years ago I[F24] had a crush on a friend[M23]. We saw each other very often around that time, he’s okay looking, and I wasn’t seeing anyone, and I was a little infatuated. I don’t think he ever realized, and I never acted on it or said anything to anyone about it beyond inviting him along on group hangouts or asking about his hobbies. He never reciprocated in any way.
I stopped really thinking about it as much when I met my now-fiancé[M25] four years ago and things instantly clicked for us. I love him. He’s my whole world. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Despite this, sometimes I find myself fantasizing about romantic things with this old crush. Usually it’s when my fiancé and/or I am stressed out, or sometimes when I’m drunk. I’ll think about little romantic scenarios like sharing a bed, or helping him practice flirting. They aren’t true to how he actually acts in person, but a very skewed idealized version. I’ll go for weeks without thinking about this crush, and instead fantasize about my fiancé, but sometimes I’ll be in a “mood” for fantasies about the crush that will last about 2-4 days.
I’m still in contact with the crush, but we only speak very rarely(maybe once a year at this point). When we do text, or meet up with him(not alone, along with our friends), I get a little bit nervous-excited.
I never vocalize these feelings, have never acted on them, and do not intend to act on them, but I still feel guilty for even thinking and feeling these things. I honestly don’t even like HIM as a person that much, I actually think he’s kind of irritating and unhygenic when I’m in the same room as him. But I still can’t stop going back to the little romantic fantasies. I feel awful. I should only be fantasizing about my fiancé, right? Is this unhealthy? Am I emotionally cheating by doing this?
TL;DR I fantasize about an old crush I still talk to even though I’m engaged. I feel horribly guilty for this. Is it normal?
2 comments
Sounds like you aren’t fantasizing about an old crush. You are sometimes fantasizing about a fantasy man that you used your old crush as part of the basis of constructing. You know that the fantasy man isn’t the same as the real human, and, as you say, you don’t even like the real human that much. It was probably just easier for your imagination to start with a real person and then tweak it to turn it into a good fantasy. Personally, I think it’s fine to have fantasies now and then that don’t include your partner. It doesn’t sound like this is going to have any issues with reality, as you are aware enough that the fantasy version and the real life version are not the same.
I can see why it worries you, because it’s someone you had a crush on for a time so there’s history, even if it’s one-sided. But it’s also just a feeling/thought, and you don’t have to act on a feeling or thought, like you said.
I live with my boyfriend and we have good times and could-be-better times like any couple. I have also idealized other men, mostly those who’ve been kind to me or are emotionally open in ways he isn’t. I’ve come to realize that when I start feeling that way, it usually mean’s something’s lacking in our relationship, so that helps me shift from the thoughts about other men to putting energy/communication into fixing that lack. You said times of stress are when it happens to you too, and that makes a lot of sense.