Quick disclaimer I’m on mobile and never really posted anything this long or emotional on reddit before so sorry if it is long or not formatted correctly (or breaking any sub rules)
TLDR at the bottom
Context- So my (19F) boyfriend (22M) and I met just over a year ago and got together pretty quickly. We don’t see each other very much as his work is FIFO but we talk through messaging very frequently. We see each other about 4 days per month. I do love him, though it’s not the butterflies in my stomach that I felt at the beginning of the relationship anymore, but that’s just how relationships go I guess. He deeply cares about me and treats me quite well. He constantly fears I will leave him (he has told me he has borderline personality disorder) and is often immature (example, he makes sex jokes loudly while having dinner at fancy restaurants) and while not diagnosed I believe he has ADHD. I used to imagine a future will kids and a marriage together but today changed everything for me.
Before we met, and when he was 19-20 my boyfriend was in a long term relationship with a girl he believed to be 18 (she had told him she was) and she even lived with him in his parents house. They all thought she was 18, she was not. (Please do not remove this post for being about a minor as that is not what I need advice on, I need advice on how it will affect my life due to charges). She was 15.
When they broke up she accused him of many things regarding crimes of a sexual nature. And because she could prove they were in a relationship together and because of her age, he has 25+ charges for crimes that begin with the word statutory. Today he had court, to avoid jail time and because on a technical basis they did happen, he pleaded guilty. For all of his crimes there will be more trials that will last for about another year but at the end of it, and because he pleaded guilty to some, he will have to register as a s** offender.
I am not in America but in a first world country, and in my state the restrictions for someone on the registry are the most restrictive in my country. He can not live in the same house as a child, even if it is his child, to buy a car you need permission, to travel outside the state you need permission, to go any where a child could potentially be you need permission, so the grocery store, the movies, a restaurant, the beach, the doctors office, anywhere really. All of these things require him to give information on where he’s going, with who, for how long, for what reason etc. but I think the biggest thing to me is not being able to even live in the same house as a child.
I want kids one day, and I don’t want to be in my mid 30’s before even thinking about having a child, and I don’t want to live my life always needing permission to do anything, nothing would be the same, and it’s harsh to say but I don’t want to look back at my life and think what have I done?
Our relationship isn’t perfect but it’s decent, I love him, but I’m young and I don’t want to ruin my life. I don’t want to break his heart or regret leaving either though. Please reddit help give me advice on what to do, I don’t have the experience or emotional capacity to figure it out in my own. Any advice will help.
TLDR-
My (F19), Boyfriend (M22) of one year plead guilty to charges that will mean he will have to register as a s** offender, affecting our daily lives for 20 years, and meaning he can’t live in the same house as our potential future children, I fear that this would ruin my life and I think I should leave but I’m not sure if that’s the right thing or not
27 comments
leave him, its not worth the headache. youre young enough to find someone new
OK, I admittedly skim read this, but my main question is how is these even a fulfilling relationship for you? You didn’t list a single positive contribution he gives to your life really.
I don’t see a single reason to stay with this dude. You’re only 19, you’ve got plenty of time to find Mr Right, but this guy ain’t it hun.
You are young and have your entire life ahead of you.
Run. Run fast. Run faster than fast!
It will seem hard, but in a few years you won’t regret leaving. You will regret either 1. not having kids …or 2. having kids who aren’t allowed to see their father.
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you are 19! So much life in front of you….enjoy it to your fullest.
You’re 19. Don’t settle for him for the rest of your life. I’m sure you can do better than this.
Reddit doesn’t like this stance much, but it applies in this situation. We make choices. Those choices have consequences. Those consequences can be lifelong and irrevocable. We don’t get to choose how others will interpret those actions, and people can be tirelessly unforgiving and cruel. Suffering that ire is part of the consequences though, warranted or not.
This guy did something knowing full well that there could be awful consequences. He’s now suffering them, and he will always suffer them. You on the other hand don’t have to. He can be the best man in the world, but he did the deed and if you continue down this path you’ll be judged and deal with his consequences as well.
Do you want the next sixty years to be a trial, always defending yourself and him? Going through all of these added problems? Do you want to have to explain you’re not okay with what he did?
Oh my god. People really have to think of about this? Leave!!!
No man is really worth this trouble, leave.
Don’t throw away the entire life you want for a guy you’ve been dating for a year. Break up with him and live your life without all these complications. You’ll be over him in no time.
[red flag](https://tenor.com/bty9W.gif)
Get out of there now. Don’t waste your life on this guy. Even if you were madly in love with him, walk away. Always choose you. He’s going to be thinking about himself. If you were thinking about him, who’s thinking about you? Seriously. Get out now. This guy is not worth wasting your youth over.
Girl you’re 19 lmaooo find another boyfriend
Leave him. You definitely won’t be able to be a happy family together if he’s not allowed round your future kids. It’s best if you just dump him and find someone else who you can live happily with. I know it’ll hurt but it’ll benefit you in the long run.
You’re 19. You can find someone better for you than a registered sex offender. Go out and live your life with someone who’s past wont affect your present so much. Good Luck
Don’t ruin your life for what he did, and I promise you, you will have a difficult 20+ years ahead of you.
Dont want to sound harsh but, what make you thing you have the “good version” of the storie?
He could be lying to you, he could have know about the age of that girl. He could be accused of thing he really have done.
Because, he accepted to be guilty.
It’s pretty hard to thing that he can’t put ZERO proof about the age of that girl was a lie (Old conversation and stuff. And the most crazy part for me would be not being able to see the different between a 15years old and a 18years old. Even if it’s only 3 years, a 15years would be usually really immature.
And even more like, long relationship but, he never talked with the parents or meet them?
I can understand a “i meet that girl in a bar, we flirted but i didnt know she was 15.” but “after 1years i discovered that”.
Sound a bit crazy to see you accept that so “blindy”.
But except that where i would be really suspicious at your place, yeah sound crazy to sacrifice your life so hard for someone at your age.
how the fuck do you date a 15 year old and not realise. even if he genuinely didnt, hes a complete moron for it. just leave him
So it sounds like not only did he have sex with a minor but she also accused him of other sexual assault crimes (in addition to statutory rape) and then he went on to be 21 dating someone who is only 18? (You)
Obviously 21 and 18 isn’t illegal but it’s also not amazing. Were you fresh out of high school when you started dating this man who could legally drink?
What makes you think that her additional allegations against him aren’t true?
Leave. Leaveleaveleaveleaveleave. He makes excuses for behaving inappropriately. He dates exclusively teenagers. I’m sorry, but a 15 year old cannot pass for 18. He is not innocent. You are not getting nearly enough out of this relationship to stay with him when he goes away.
i’m sure he’d understand if you dipped out. one year together is not enough to get involved with something like this. it’s just business.
You’re 19 life hasn’t even started. Leave
Girl…
Please. Please reread what you just wrote and ask yourself if you would want this life for someone you love. A friend, sister, cousin, whatever. You can’t have kids with this man. It will severely restrict where you live with him. Do you really want a “decent” relationship with a sex offender you see a few days a month, or do you want a real relationship with a partner who doesn’t boff minors?
He knew she was 15, but he will never admit that.
I’ve been through this scenario before. Being a SO is like living in a glass prison. Being a spouse of one is even harder. You can message me for insight.
You are 19 years old.
Y’all have been dating for a year.
You see him 4 days out of the month.
He pled guilty to charges of statutory rape (which MOST LIKELY means they had evidence that he KNEW that she was underage).
You said “Our relationship isn’t perfect, it’s decent.” That is literally the best thing you could say about your relationship.
Girl, break up.
No way he didn’t know she was a minor while living with her. There’s ton of stuff a 15 year old just can’t do and he’d have realized it quickly. He even plead guilty. I’m sorry but it’s impossible that he just didn’t know.
Also you’re very young, you’re gonna find someone to have kids with and stuff.
You see him once a week on average and you are only dating a year.
Dude I’ve seen people break up over the way they sneeze there’s absolutely no way you have to date this guy anymore
“Our children”? You are fucking 19, get yourself away from this mess and find someone else. Christ