Tl;dr My (f26) boyfriend (m28) of 2 years just said he thinks “you’ll hit your future kids” because of my temper. I don’t have a temper. I asked him to to remove a random woman he slept with who was stalking my Instagram.
We were at dinner this evening, on holiday.
It came up that a woman he slept with was watching my Instagram stories. (Who I’ve never met)
Granted, I could have asked at a better time! But I just asked him to remove her because it made me feel uncomfortable to have a random woman stalking me that he slept with (also, not HIS problem – but he said she was a friend which she is not)
Anyway, he did. It was a calm conversation which was over in seconds. No shouting, no argument, no anger. It was amicable and I thanked him, we continued to have a lovely time.
I get the feeling he was bitter about it. Because afterwards he wouldn’t hold my hand on the way back to the car.
I apologised for the time that I brought it up and that it could have waited, it just wasn’t a big deal to me – just small enough to mention in passing.
He then said to me “do me a favour and learn to control your temper… you give the vibe that you would hit your future children. I imagine pancakes burning in the pan, the post man rings the door and your child is there and you just smack it.”
Honestly my stomach dropped. I had no words. I came from a home where I was smacked and he knows I would never hurt a fly. I’ve never even been in a fight.
I had to just walk away. I’ve been sat on the street now alone for 30 minutes just to breathe.
My friends call me gentle and loving, I’m also known for feeding bumblebees or bees if ever I see them tired. I would never hurt anybody.
His comment really shocked me. It seems way out of line and random. I had adhd and get overwhelmed sometimes by small things… but his comment really hurt and seemed totally irrelevant.
19 comments
Wowwww that was out of line. There’s literally no correlation, apparently your bf is just salty. Reading what you said, the comment he made just seemed very out of place
Sounds like he felt called out over this woman, got overly defensive and decided to try and make you out as the bad guy and deliberately go as low as he could to make you feel crap about it. I also grew up with an abusive parent, and if anyone I was dating compared me to them I’d leave in a second.
“I don’t have a temper”sound’s like something someone who has a temper would say
Bleurghan. This guy is a major asshole. If he’s not physical you may need to go back for now but make sure you leave at the first available opportunity. Call in family support or phone an old friend for an airfare… in extraordinary situations like this, I’m sure you’ll find people will rise to the occasion.
He did this to put you on the defensive and shift focus from your request. Now you’re focused on apologizing and placating him and proving you’re not violent to the point of being docile. It’s a common but shitty move.
i read your post and your responses and all I can tell you is to run.
There must be a women’s shelter you can call? or the embassy you belong to for help?
hell if you have any friends or family (extended or immediate) in your country of origin give them an SOS.
This type of behaviour only escalates, it never ends well and you know it. you are not being sensitive, you are being smart. your entire being is telling you “this isn’t right”.
You need to trust your gut more and have faith in yourself.
I hope you can get out of this situation.
He’s very clearly trying to manipulate the situation so that you are now ‘the bad guy’ and deflecting any poor feelings away from himself. This is a major deal breaker for most people and I’d be trying to get out of that situation as soon as possible.
Do you have a friend or family member you can call who could arrange to lend you some money so that you can leave?
Look up DARVO. This feels like a bite-sized version of that. He felt called out by the discussion you had, he was angry, and instead of dealing with his own feelings of anger and guilt maturely, he decided to try and find a way to make you the bad guy. Except you didn’t give him any material to work with, so he resorted to just making something up. Now instead of the conversation being about how he made you uncomfortable, it’s about your non-existent child abuse.
What’s more, you now feel like you can’t get angry with him, even over justified stuff. Because then you’ll be “confirming” what he said (except you won’t, but I’m guessing you don’t feel that way). You have to be docile and sweet to the point of being a doormat to avoid being the angry monster he just claimed you are. How convenient for him.
If he says something like that again, ask what he means. Like, “Why do you say that?” or “What makes you think that?” Get him to explain his thought process. Do not try to placate him or smooth things over with him by apologising, because there isn’t anything to apologise for. That doesn’t mean you have to be nasty, just remain calm and neutral, and ask for details. Either he’s forced to admit there’s no reason for what he said or he has to dig himself an even deeper hole to keep justifying it, at which point he’ll eventually hit rock and won’t be able to keep going.
>I imagine pancakes burning in the pan, the post man rings the door and your child is there and you just smack it.
This is more than just the present issue. His “story” seems to indicate that he believes that the woman should be the homemaker. Thus you “burning the pancakes” and saying that it’s “your child,” not both of yours.
You shouldn’t see him again. This wasn’t just some random example of what he thinks living together is like.
You know how to figure out you’re with a narcissistic gaslighter?
When you start arguments knowing you’re in the right but end up apologizing every time anyways.
In case you want to have kids (or even if you don’t), I would advise you drop this POS right away so you can find someone better sooner.
Honestly this sounds like your underplaying your temper.
Maybe through his eyes you actually looked like someone who hits their kid. Which we all kinda know what that looks like.
I’m sorry sweetheart ❤️ I can tell you are a good loving person.
Oh wow – do you know what happened? He revealed his true self to you! When you asked for a simple action, he made you out to be the bad guy. Your request was reasonable.
He took step one in the abuse cycle – immediately blame the other person. It’s a way to control you, make you feel bad, and set you up for being wrong.
Please walk away – because he will escalate and you will not be safe.
Run! This along with the bumping into you while taking out the rubbish because he was mad don’t sound good. These things will escalate.
With Roe gone, we women need to start being a lot pickier. If you’re coming to Reddit about your relationship, just break up already.
This man does not deserve you. Take your shit and get the fuck out of this relationship. Find someone who doesn’t get upset over little things and respects you and your wishes.
your man is 100% trying to cheat or already cheating on you with this woman. that’s why he got so defensive to try to scare you away from ever bringing her up again. this is the beginning of it all where you cut ties. this will be the moment you regret forever if you let this drag on. choose carefully. good luck.
So your boyfriend doesn’t see you for the kind, caring person you are; on the contrary, he thinks the worst of you. I’m sorry you found out in such a shitty way. Not sure I could be with someone who holds such a low opinion of me.
Call friends, family, women’s shelters close to you, etc and ask if anyone can help you get away.
He’s not a good person for you