I have doubts my partner may be in an emotional affair with someone. But it may also not be true. I am not 100% sure. He seems invested into our relationship (like he’s not checked out you know), is affectionate, willing to work on stuff if need be, etc.
Not protective of his phone – leaves it in the bedroom with me when he goes to shower and sometimes even the bathroom.
But he also has been getting a liiiiiiittle too close for my taste with another woman. But I don’t have all the info.
My question is: *is it better to check his phone and get the answers myself and if there is something to confront him and see if he lies (which, at that point, wouldn’t even matter lol) or should I confront him directly and trust what he says (or maybe confront directly and THEN check his phone)*
I’m more enclined to check phone first because if it’s nothing I don’t want to strain the relationship by insinuating he’s cheating BUT maybe you all think otherwise!
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***Context*** *of* “getting too close” *:*
My partner doesn’t believe it’s possible for men and women to have closeness/intimacy (what friendships provide) without it turning into more (ex. Feelings) and yet
There is this woman who he works with who, on top of talking business stuff, shares personal stuff like his plans for the summer or what classes he’s taking in his free time and what for. Shared he had an exam soon. Then I stalked her FB profile and saw he reacted with the wow reaction to her profile picture. He isn’t being inappropriate like telling her sexy stuff or things like that that I know of, but he just hasn’t been *this* close to a client before and it makes me suspicious. Nor has he “wow-ed” a client’s picture before.
She is a client from the same country as him (and me too actually) so maybe he wants to relate to her in some way, create trust. But idk. He is in *real estate* by the way.
TLDR: When doubting an emotional affair, is it best to check the phone first in case they lie or just confront and trust that they’re saying the truth? My partner, working in real estate, has been friendly (more so than with other clients) with a specific woman, from the same origin as him, and even wow-reacted to her profile picture on FB (the transaction had already ended). It could have been just them getting along and talking about life, but it could also mean he has feelings IMO.
14 comments
By all means, check his phone. And his bank-records.
Also, control pests by burning down the house.
I’d go through the phone.
rather then look through his phone, ask him directly. tell him you just dont feel comfortable about something and you want to know whats going on.
Your most damning piece of evidence is that he “wow-ed” a photo?
>It could have been just them getting along and talking about life, but it could also mean he has feelings IMO.
So you’re saying it literally could be anything? Why just assume the worst? Sounds like you’ve gotten cheated on before.
I dont think this is enough for you to go looking through his phone.
If he is leaving his phone unattended…in your presence…the likelihood there is anything on it is nil.
You have not provided anything that points to inappropriate behavior.
Confronting a cheater without proof of cheating RARELY does any good.
Keep aware…but do not be obsessed…there is nothing here though…
You realize he’s going to be attracted to other women right? So the hell what? He loves you and treats you well. He leaves his phone around you and knows you have access to it. He is trusting you. He’s just attracted to her. Doesn’t mean he’ll do anything.
Violating his privacy to soothe your insecurity is never going to help your root problem. You don’t trust him. You’re clearly looking for problems when you obsess over his reaction to a photo. My advice is to show him this post and tell him how you’ve been feeling. But at the end of the day you need to deal with your own insecurity and learn to love yourself.
Well, I feel men and women can be friends so those situations don’t have the same messaging for me.
Listen, if you’re really concerned, just ask him. Be an adult. Snooping on his phone makes you look insecure and untrustworthy. Not a good look.
If he’s really catching feelings for another woman, you’re going to find out eventually and then you can react appropriately..
That’s not even a question. How would *you* react if he checked your phone behind your back to catch you or spy on you?
Everyone will say don’t go through his phone, but you should save yourself potential despair. The ‘wow’ react to the profile pic may not seem like a big deal, but it is. I don’t think you’ll find the answer you want unfortunately. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wouldn’t recommend going through his phone. You either trust him or not.
**But I would ask what he considers cheating.**
I had a fellow redditor argue with me on a person’s post about what is cheating. The other redditor said that *as long as it stayed online or on the phone it wasn’t cheating but the equivalent to watching porn.* This person really did consider it normal average behavior for a monogamous couple and I heavily disagreed. Just because it’s not irl, doesn’t mean it’s okay. Now, for the record I am polyamorous but I was also monogamous for over 20 years with my first husband and I never ever cheated.
In my opinion, sending nudes, sexting, mutual masturbation through either online or phone with another person, chaturbate any of that, is cheating. Anytime where you interact directly with someone else without explicitly agreeing to this with your partner while being monogamous… is cheating!!
I posted in r/monogamy for their opinion and every single response says YES, that is cheating.
Just a thought anyways.
I think you should talk openly about what you wrote here. How he’s different with her than he is with other clients. texting her about personal things and the wow comment that’s bothering you so much compare to the like he should’ve make instead.
You said that lately about two weeks he tells you how crazy in love he is with you etc.. isn’t it like love bombing. He’s not like this usually. This could be a sign and the fact you are leaving for such a long time. I will definitely talk openly about it it could be a start of an emotional affair and if so should nip it in the bud.
You’ll see by his reaction and what he’s telling you if he was aware of what it meant to you and if he decides to cut personal stuff with her and leave it just business.
Yea if he says he doesn’t believe that men and women could be friends without it turning into more, makes you wonder what his intentions are here. If he were to believe his own logic, then he’s interested sexually in this woman. Call him out and use his own logic against him see what he says.
Okay, so as someone whose been through an EA I’ll outline it
1. Constantly talking DAILY hours and hours on end. You end up suffering because they switch
the affection to the other person
2. There’s a nagging feeling deep in the pit of your tummy, for me it felt sick, constantly.
3. You’ll get phone turned away from you, no communication on what’s being said.
Hope that helps x
Is there trust in your relationship generally? Do you trust your partner to tell you the truth about his feelings and thoughts? Because if the answer is no, then what’s even the point in staying in a relationship? If you need proof, that’s not trust at all. I would talk to him directly and point this out :
>My partner doesn’t believe it’s possible for men and women to have closeness/intimacy (what friendships provide) without it turning into more
And then talk about your fears and doubts. Ask him if he’s just starting to change his views on this or if there’s something else going on.