throwaway account…
I (24F) have been with my husband (25m) since I graduated high school. He is not my first partner nor am I his, but we are each other’s first serious relationship.
I am a few months away from having our second child, and I just feel like we’re in a roommate stage. He spends more time going out with friends, on his video games, or at the gym then he does with me and our LO. I’ve communicated to him several times that I’m not demanding his attention for all hours of the day but at least enough to help me parent but it seems to go unheard.
Currently, I dropped off our LO at my parents house so I could deep clean our home in preparation for his hangout with his friends tonight (they plan to have a few drinks here and then go hit some bars and get wasted) while he sleeps. I used to really go above and beyond for him, but I just noticed myself caring less and less. I’m tired of putting in continued effort to be disrespectful or downright ignored.
We had a discussion a few weeks ago and he said his one and ONLY issue was that I didn’t cook enough for him, so I’ve cooked dinner and lunches every night since. I also clean the dishes after, clean the kitchen, pick up our LOs toys and do bedtime while he does nothing. I made the point to tell him that I don’t feel appreciated, and he said I don’t appreciate anything he does for me..his examples were our home and purchasing me the car I wanted a year ago. (We both work and contribute equally financially so I’m not sure how he purchased the vehicle for me but that’s neither here nor there).
I’m not proud of this, but I did look through his phone and found no evidence of him cheating. However, I don’t want to invade his privacy again because that was a huge argument and if he were unfaithful I feel like it would come out eventually.
We haven’t been intimate in two weeks which is out of the ordinary, but no alarm bells. He doesn’t hide his phone or who he speaks to.
I guess, I’m just not sure what to do here as I don’t want to ask for a divorce.
I don’t know if I’m past the point of return and the resentment is too much, or if I just need to keep adding on the effort…any advice welcome.
8 comments
A frank conversation is needed with this man-baby.
And also you need to force the situation a little to arrange your own fun time. Away from house, kids, responsibilities and with friends…
“Not fun” Things should be split 50/50, simple.
Right now you have 100% of the chores?
He has none.
You’re working full time AND cleaning the house AND caring for the child…
I feel your pain and know where you’re at, it’s hard.
But also, put yourself in his shoes…
He has a walkover wife that answers his every whim and he has no responsibility other than claiming to pay the bills…
Maybe he thinks that life is like this? That it’s a woman’s job to do everything whilst the man provides?
Yeah, but nah, you’re both working…
It’ll be worse with a second child, you won’t be able to work so much, then his argument about paying his way will hold some merit ….
I’ll re-iterate, have that discussion RIGHT now,
Ask him nicely to contribute to the chores,
Maybe even list the chores.
Maybe he doesn’t realise how much work actual real life takes?
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Sounds like a good time to start marriage counseling. He is his old self and you are the new mommy.
Have you voiced your needs? Are you aware of them?
It sounds like you are putting in a lot of effort. As a father in a 20 year marriage, I can say he needs to get it together big time. Sleeping while you are cleaning for his friends? My wife would never do that. her boundaries are very clear, that makes me step up my game and respect her.
Best of luck sorting through this.
It’s time to sit him down and tell him that this isn’t working for you and that you need his help if your marriage is going to succeed. [Our wiki has a number of good articles I suggest you share with him](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_responsibilities_in_marriage). Until he steps up, stop “doing” for him. If he is going to force you to carry the entire load of caring for the kids and yourself then he has to *at least* take on the full load of caring for himself. Like a truculent teen, he will try to wear you out via the tactic of [weaponized incompetence](https://www.purewow.com/wellness/weaponized-incompetence). All you can do is call him out on it each and every time. At some point, either he’ll start to figure out how to be a full partner or you’ll have to decide if you can continue to live this way.
I don’t have much advice on potential but not concrete cheating but I will say my wife didn’t tolerate half that and made it clear if I can spend time gaming or lifting then I can change diapers, wash my own plate, take out trash and ask about her day as a minimum.
I also discovered I was vitamin D deficient causing low T and moodiness and apathy
I am sorry if this comes of rude but i see posts like these a lot and always the same question comes to my mind. When you first got with your husband before you got married was he helping with chores ? Was he cleaning with you ? Or where you the one doing everything and he didn’t help at all around the house. Cause if the second one is the case you knew this man refused to do his part of housework. Why would you expect him to help with the kids or help with the house after marriage. I am very sorry i dont mean to make you feel bad or blame you i am just really curious as to why you would stay in a relationship when your need where not being met from the start.