Looking for advice and thoughts on these events
Putting it bluntly first:::
My boyfriend (30m) of 3 years and I (26f) have only been having sex once a week for months. Honestly I want to say the whole relationship but that might be an exaggeration as there have been times we’ve had sex more than once. He can’t, or won’t, go rounds with me and has only done this maybe 3 times in our entire relationship (I want to go until I’m knocked out) and we’re only intimate one night a week now, pretty much a specific night and time. Our sex has become boring to me when we do have it as well (I did not and will not tell him this part). I take antidepressants which have made it hard for me to achieve orgasm which is why I ask for him to do certain things (dirty talk, hair pulling, spanking, sometimes slapping but I’m not gonna harp on that because I know that one is out there). he does these things maybe 1 of 5 times. Sex is an important part of a relationship to me and I’ve explained this to him before. I told him I wanted to have sex more than once a week (we see each other 3 times a week, sometimes 4).
Now the conversation::
We were laying in bed watching a movie and I was touching him over his pants and he started making funny noises, trying to be funny. I laughed but kept at it. I looked at him to kiss him deeply but that didn’t end up happening. Then he realized I didn’t have pants/underwear on. He asked why and pulled me on top of him so I was straddling. I told him I had my pants off for a while. Then he rolled me off of him and just kept watching the movie/YouTube video he ended up putting on. I sighed and he took that as ‘oh shit what I do’ and asked what was wrong. I can’t remember how I started the conversation word for word but I brought up that I was feeling on him and trying to kiss him and I had my pants off and everything and he had said yesterday that we could have sex tonight since we didn’t yesterday when I tried to initiate and he pushed my hand away. But at that point it was obvious to me that sex wasn’t happening. I was a little frustrated but I was calm. I told him I was a little bothered by the fact that everytime I try and initiate there’s a reason why we can’t have sex (he never initiate too). We only have sex once a week. And im not happy with how our sex life is right now. He then told me that his stomach was bothering him and he just wasn’t in the mood and I said that was okay and I’m not trying to pressure him into anything he doesn’t want to do. But that doesn’t change what I just said about the entirety of our relationship. He tried to say I was over exaggerating until I brought up specific things. Then he tried to blame my period, and I’m like mine only lasts for 4 days and I wasn’t on it this time or the last few times. Then he starts telling me he doesn’t want to have sex because he thinks he can’t make me cum (I’ve explained that antidepressants do that to you quite a bit now). I told him I just enjoy having sex and while yeah, cumming is nice, it’s not the most important thing. I even explained to him why it’s important to me. Then he tells me it sounds like I’m tired of the excuses. I told him yes and then he starts again with his stomach hurt or he doesn’t feel like it.he said he has legitimate excuses and I told him it doesn’t change how I feel. He just kind of got quiet and didn’t say anything else on the matter other than when we move in together in a month that things will be different because we’re around each other more. But I’m having a really hard time believing that.
I’m not at my wits end just yet. Just really frustrated. I’m not sure how to fix this or should I be compromising? I feel bad because his stomach hurt and I still had the conversation with him in that moment but I’m just so tired of the excuses and feeling like my partner doesn’t want to sleep with me!
7 comments
You did NOTHING wrong. Some of my partners to this day have avoided sex the same way for various reasons, not all of them about a loss of interest: immaturity, low libido, depression, addiction to movies and games, some guilt or shame about sex they didn’t even know they had, chronic fatigue or neglected aches/ pains and other health problems. Some may have been asexual and not aware.
The fact is that sex and physical affection should be made a priority and even scheduled, in a playful way, for people who are not asexual. It’s very important for our mental health, the health of the relationship and our general wellbeing( as confirmed to me by a proper doctor- a neurologist)
Religion, upbringing, trauma, bad examples from movies or immature friends can make people of any gender see sex as a chore or a trigger of shame, guilt and various complicated feelings. The same factors can make them avoid even discussing sex and sexual difficulties as if it were lame or painful to discuss them. But I think avoiding the convo is only making things worse.
I’m a bisexual lady and I noticed some straight guys have trouble accepting me expressing my sexual needs and desires, which was not the case for lesbian/ bi ladies or bisexual men. Sadly, many straight guys are conditioned by a toxic macho culture in many countries to slut shame women and / or see them as annoying for “demanding” sex and cuddles, massage, affectionate touch. Some guys with jealous, possessive mothers or sisters may internalize that as a some sort of guilt when they offer physical affection to their girlfriend/ wife.
I read somewhere that a patient massage of the thighs and butt releases unexpressed sexual energy… and amazingly enough, whenever I tried it, it has worked wonders on me and my partners every time.
Keep expressing your needs, OP, but do it in a playful way as much as you can.
Don’t make penetration the be all- end all of sexual activity.
Try out all kinds of sexy activities : mutual masturbation, sex toys, carressing each other while watching a movie or after a long day when you are tired, massage, explore several erogenous areas.
Ask for frequent sexy activities, at least a few minutes every day, or every other day. Reassure your partner that it doesn’t have to be a full sex session with lots of tiresome movement. Just get into the habit of laying down for some sexy relaxation 😉 Like making your bed/ sofa a private nude beach where you are actually allowed to have sex.
If your partner still won’t get into the fun of this after a while, it’s ok to consider that you guys may not be compatible. Please don’t stay in a sexless, passionless relationship for years and years. You deserve to feel desired and showered with affection, including physical affection.
are you an active participant who puts in a good fair share of work and effort during sex? sounds like he feels like he has to put in a ton of effort/work in and possibly not even get you to the finish line. which, i would assume would be the bare minimum goal. maybe you just want the experience, the intimacy, the good feelings, and the pleasure regardless of whether you ultimately have an orgasm or not. maybe you just want to edge for a looong time and you won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t end in your orgasm. seems like he still feels that your orgasm would be the goal, and if not reached, mission unsuccessful. is there absolutely anything you could bring into the mix that takes less creativity, effort, and will help you finish? toys, vibrators, massage wands, lubes, your own fingers? anything? also, you might want to try initiating as soon as he wakes up in the morning, or as early as possible after his sleeping. by the time night comes and it’s “bedtime”, he may have already masturbated a couple times, lost his energy and desire, or could just be exhausted from a long day of living life. good luck out there.
Time to find a new bf
Is he possibly dealing with any body image or performance issues where he doesn’t feel attractive during sex or feels inadequate of fulfilling your sexual wants/needs?
Look if you’re sexually unhappy . Move on, me and my wife went through a time where we weren’t having sex but once a month. She had a few miscarriages that made her emotions out of wack. As did those experiences hurt my drive as well. You gotta learn to either go without sex and masturbate or move on. Cause all it will lead to is fights and arguments later in the future. You’ll start resenting him for the lack of attention and this could lead to cheating.
Hello,
I think you have valid concerns and i think you should address this BEFORE you move in.
Bottom line you have a bad sex life at the moment.
Your goal should be to get him to commit to more then once a week. And start doing it before you agree to move in.
One thing you should talk about his porn usage, is he spending all his time on that and leaving high and dry?
As for the stomach ache, that’s a one time thing no big deal but it’s fair to say you’re over the excuses.
Does he have depression or anything going on? Ot sounds like he is defeated or doubting his libito/ability to make you finish. Either way moving will not fix this. Talking more about his feelings pn the situation will probably help figure out whats going on with him.