I’ve been single for 7 months. My previous ex broke up with me, however looking back I knew we weren’t compatible long term. I’ve never had a boyfriend who I’ve wanted to be with for life. I’ve been on around 100 first dates in my life (I’m 30) and I’ve liked about 10 guys enough to want to go on a second date.
I go to therapy and we’re working on that I tend to just go with a guy even if I know we’re not compatible as society puts a huge pressure on women to not be single. Im terrified I’m never going to meet someone, as the idea of meeting someone now feels so foreign and impossible. I already have hobbies, my dream career and friends, there are no single guys in those areas so I rely on online dating. Should I just stop? I really want a family and at 30 I’m running out of time.
21 comments
Yes. Me
Beginning to think that’s me.
Maybe also go to events, try meeting someone else through friends or just look for opportunities in places you normally might not? There’s so many ppl, there’s gotta be one who will be the right guy for you
statistically unlikely
If you’ve been to 100 first dates but only wanted a second date 10 times, there’s definitely something wrong with your process, and it’s probably psychological. I know it’s a cop out answer, but therapy that focuses on on relationships and attachment could potentially be very helpful.
Just my two cents but… I think “being incompatible with everyone” is a symptom of having unrealistic standards and expectations. In the words of the dating coach, behavioral psychologist, and Director of Relationship Science of Hinge Logan Ury:
>Great relationships aren’t discovered, they’re built.
Highly recommend giving this a read. Sensationalized name, but it’s lots of research-backed dating tips and advice from Logan mixed with real world success stories from her work as a dating coach.
Ury, Logan. How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science that Will Help You Find Love. Simon and Schuster, 2022.
I can… relate. Although I’m still quite young, so I do have the time. But even friendshipwise, it’s a bit scary for me. With most people I know IRL, I end up finding flaws. But, given that the internet is so vast, I… do end up finding awesome people… at the rate of 1-2 per year.
And that’s the question I ask myself if I begin to wonder I have unrealistically high standards of others: can I imagine a realistic person / have I come across real people I can imagine myself feeling happy with? If the answer is yes, then it’s okay, in that even though I have high standards of others (and of myself, I have been told*) they are realistic and attainable. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to have high standards, the problem starts when the expectations become unrealistic. And perhaps here, therapy might be helpful?
*I have come across people who have even higher standards of themselves, so I’m far from the best person I know. An issue I face with lowering standards to be able to develop close IRL friendships is that I haven’t found a way to lower them in a way so as to not let *everyone* in. If I lower them for someone, I feel bad/unjust for not lowering them for others. In effect, both during my undergrad and now during my masters, I’m kinda-friends with multiple mutually exclusive people and groups of them who wouldn’t communicate with each other for all diferent sorts of reasons I haven’t found deal-breaking.
This is a textbook example of how the current culture and being spoiled is ruining dating for women (and men)
You had 100 first dates, only 10 second dates and you ended up with someone incompatible long term?
This is so sad but you have been doing this to yourself.
Crazy high expectations are ruining dating for everyone, now you are 30 y.o. and panicking.
No decent men would like to be the “settlement“ of a woman that is feeling old and fears to miss the l’aste few good opportunities so please don’t have this mindset or you are going to sabotage your future dating.
Keep going to theraphy and focus on that, then date again, avoid online dating because it’s going to make your symptoms worse, you need to focus on one person at a time, possibly meet irl.
Put yourself out and see what happens, expect it to take 1-2 years.
At 30 you are not too old but you shouldn’t waste your time or anyone else’s, decent men start families at that age and from 35 you will be left with leftovers, toxic men, man children, divorced (probably because they were assholes) and so on. You don’t want them right?
So work on yourself without feeling the rush but also don’t waste time and focus.
if you think society puts lots of pressure on single women, you have no idea about men, try to empathise to the other side a little, it will help.
Good work and good luck!
You might be at a stage in your life where you are not datable. It’s not terminal though, just means you have to double down on taking care of yourself and your mental health needs for a bit, until you naturally feel healthy and ready. Don’t rush life!
Maybe, but being incompatible with like 98% of people is just as bad. Trying to find someone I’m 100% compatible with would be like looking for an evil black unicorn, especially as a 40yr dude. I have zero ambition, no religion, and I’m on disability. I can’t stand workaholics, health nuts, vegans, athletic types that are just too busy/active in general, septum piercings (or most on face), etc. The list goes on. I also don’t want kids.
& i am guy terrified of ending up alone. Weird world
Where do you live that there’s huge pressure on you not to be single? I’m a 34 yr old woman, most people I know are in their 30s, I know 2 married couples, and 1 engaged couple. Less than half of millennials are married or in a long term, cohabiting relationship. Being single is the norm for people in your age group. I live in southern California and I understand that, culturally, things might be different here than wherever you are; but are you sure you aren’t putting pressure on yourself? You might just be in a prison of your own making and the pressure your creating is leading to self sabotage.
I think you should continue the therapy since this isn’t the norm. It seems like you’re dating in order not to be alone instead of looking for genuine interest in the people you’re dating. Secondly stop looking at societal stigmas like you need to be in a relationship by this time, having kids by this age and stuff like that. That kind of thinking makes men and women run head first into relationships and maybe marriages just to find out they were never compatible and have to start from square one but much older. Take your time, you only have one live to live just make sure that time isn’t wasted.
I’ve wondered this a lot as well. I think some of us just have more difficulty finding someone compatible. Don’t loose hope, keep giving people a chance and re evaluate what you are looking for. Remember, no one is exactly what you are looking for, main questions should be: Do you enjoy their company? Do they treat you right? & Can you live with their flaws + love them regardless?
I used to be in the sex industry, I have dated over 100 men, I have slept with many.
I have had VERY few relationships, and they are all slowly getting “better” in terms of me picking better partners.
However, I am early 30s, and I do not want to date right now. I haven’t met someone who really has been worth it, and I realize that not only are they the issue, *I* am also the issue. I need to work on myself to find better men. I need to work on my attachment.
I also have noticed that men on dating sites are extremely lame. I think 30s are hard for women, the catches are all married with kids. We have to wait til they’re divorced. (partially kidding)
All of my friends who are 40-75 have said 30s are the worst for dating, and they did not find their partners until late 30s or early 40s. You are not running out of time, you are putting pressure on yourself. Freeze eggs if you want kids. You can always adopt. Relax a little and keep on going to therapy.
You can walk into a modern grocery with 25,000 products, and still not think anything there is what you want to eat.
But, does that mean you can’t eat anything there, or it won’t all agree with you, or won’t be something you could talk yourself into?
Pretty much that simple. If you’re at the point where you think 6 billion people won’t produce someone to match up with you, the problem is probably you.
30 is not ANYWHERE near running out of time. You’re still very much living and thriving. Most people aren’t compatible with everyone they meet.
My suggestion is to stop building your life around finding a guy, and stop settling. It’ll come when it’s meant to. Learn what you want AND what you dont, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time.
Get rid of the idea that 30 is old/too old to be single/too old to not have a family, I think you’re putting way too much effort into finding a partner and not enough effort into yourself. Fix your vibe and you’ll attract what and who’s meant for you. A 10% success rate is pretty low but if you know you’re not compatible with someone don’t waste both your time on a date that won’t go anywhere, plus 7 months is not that long, come back to this post if/when you’ve been single for a few years
I think you should focus on finding a best friend to spend your life with instead. I read an article a few months ago about two people that were best friends but had no real desire for an intimate relationship. They were both getting older, both wanted kids, and both seemed to be perpetually single. They decided they were happier building a life together as friends. They had kids, bought a house, all the normal stuff and they were happy. I personally would be perfectly happy with this scenario because my male friend and I have tons in common, he treats me great, we can talk for hours and not get bored of each other. This might be a good option for you to get all.the normal relationship stuff without the relationship.
Lower your pretentions
I think that sometimes, we find the right person when we stop looking so hard. Take a break from online dating for a while, and just enjoy life. It might surprise you.