I (29F) have been seeing someone (30M) for a little over a month now. Recently I noticed a dramatic drop in his attentiveness towards me, and since it’s been a month since we talked about what we wanted, I thought it’d be good to check in. In the beginning he told me he wanted something long term, and that he felt different about me, good about things with me, etc.
Today I asked him what he thought about us and where he sees us going, and he said “I don’t know. We’re just hanging out.” This hurt. He clarified he doesn’t like to move fast, and that I’m overthinking things (from me noticing his drop of attentiveness). I don’t like to move fast either, but I definitely wouldn’t think he and I were ‘just hanging out.’ I mentioned to him that in the beginning we had this connection and the longer we’ve known each other the more I feel him pulling away. He says he’s not pulling away, and for me to “stop thinking.”
I still really like him, and I’m not asking for him to be my boyfriend right this second, but after a full month of dating I only feel stronger towards him and all signs point to he is losing his feelings for me, despite his reassurance he is not. Am I overthinking this?
27 comments
Go with your gut feeling…
You are not overthinking things. I think he just wants to have a low maintenance friends with benefits situation. If you’re not into that, then this might not be the guy for you.
You’re not overthinking. You’re having a completely normal reaction to the person you like losing interest in you. Go with your gut
Sounds like he’s decided he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you, but keeps you around for the perks/sex. He’s dangling a relationship carrot in front of you to keep you around him.
I think you already know the answer deep down. I’m sorry this is happening.
You’re not overthinking. As people we’re programmed to sense emotional shifts in those we interact with. As a guy I’m under the impression he love bombed you a little and made all those promising comments to get laid or just keep you around for when you were convenient. Alternatively he might have changed his mind and priorities which is fine, but he should be straight up and tell you. You’re dangerously close to being led on. And lastly, even if all my assumptions are wrong do you really wanna be with someone who gaslights you into “not overthinking” instead of acknowledging your feelings, taking them into account and communicating? Just food for thought.
Dump him and run. He completely diminished your feelings, lied to you, etc. Ruuuun.
Watch how people act, not what they say.
Sounds like gaslighting. If you’ve known the guy for a month and he’s already doing this, run.
Start dating other people. Doesn’t sound like he’s all in and that’s OK. Be honest you want a boyfriend it’s OK to say that. It will only scare off men that don’t want to be your boyfriend.
This happened to me except I let it go on for 5 years. I wasted my best years (26-31) “casually dating” a guy who wouldn’t even call me his girlfriend in front of his guy friends. I hate myself over it and resent him. Don’t end up like me. The end 🙂
Sounds like you been friendzoned
It’s generally an indicator that they met someone they like more than you. He’s probably still dating other people.
When you have an instinct someone is losing interest.. its rarely wrong.
My not-ex did this to me… for 2 years. If you’re looking for a casual, hookup scenario- sounds ideal. But if you’re looking for a relationship and his goals have changed, don’t wait around for him. Above all else, please prioritise your own self respect.
I notice in all your comments OP that you fully appreciate and take on the advice to dump the guy and be mad at him, and go against those in which you are advised to stop overreacting
If you want to take in all advice from internet strangers, i advise you to also take in the ones that ask some kind of self reflection on your part
It might bring you a loving relationship in the end:)
But did you, like, dated, or only hung out?
Something similar happened to me because when we was out she acted in every way like a disinterested friend more like a potential lover
I would end it to be fair. Based on what you said, just kinda sounds like he said what you wanted to hear so he get into your pants (which may or may not be true). But yeah no time for time waster keep it stepping
Have you slept with him? If yes . Then you gotta move on . If not, then make your intentions clear to him. If he isnt aiming for a relationship then there is no need to see the guy anymore.
Happened to me recently as well. Hurts like shit
You’re not over thinking. He gets comfortable with whatever benefits he can get from you without committing. He will not change, why would he? If you’re confused, it’s probably a No. Cut the losses and get free from this man. Know what you want and find the man who wants the same thing.
People in their 30s also do situationships, I might as well quite dating as whole
Girl, AMAZING job having an upfront, respectful conversation about your needs and feelings early on. Major respect, that shit is not easy.
You are right to feel hurt and confused because his actions and words are all kinds of incongruent.
I would let him know that “I thought about it, and your feelings are valid, it’s okay to want to hang out in a laidback manner with the person you’re dating, but that doesn’t work for me. Not discussing feelings along the way, and being honest about and whether or not you continue to sense potential for a future relationship does not suit my needs or align with my values. And in fact, it distresses me to see changes in your behaviour and not be able to discuss that with my partner.”
If it helps I think you’ve dodged an incompatible partner nice and early!!
If you want more information, try googling:
– attachment style (specifically avoidant attachment style)
– emotional conquistador
And beware him trying to reel you back in if you do set this boundary!! Your pulling back, may prompt him in to action, as it sounds like you’ve been doing a lovely job of meeting his emotional/sexual/intimacy needs without him needing to take on his fair share of the emotional labor. It’s not cool to enjoy the perks of the relationship without reciprocating. That ain’t it!!
honestly if you like the guy just stop having sex when you hangout. If he asks to hangout and you oblige if he tries to pull a move let him know you only sleep with people whom ur in a relationship with. Obv if he gets pissed off rip, he only wants sex.
Quit boinking him and you will get your answer. He’s liking that and doesn’t want to lose it….
Wanting to have a relationship or the base for one after a month of sleeping together is not fast. Why do people always say this? You aren’t saying I love you or anything yet, but you’re asking to be exclusive after constant dating and intimacy for a whole month.
Maybe his idea of taking things slow is doing this for three months, but that’s not the norm. And you have every right to ask him what he feels about you two. And if he goes from saying he wants a solid relationship with you, then later saying you’re just hanging out then he lied to you. Or he’s weighing his options. Either way he’s not being that honest with you and that’s not fair to you.
I’m in my thirties and have had this happen to me soo many times. I set my boundaries and leave if they start to do this now. He most likely is just keeping things open and vague to benefit from you and other people at once.
It most likely won’t go the way you are wanting it to. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you just drop him now. He’s too old to be acting like this.
He wants a low effort fuck buddy it seems, you deserve much better than that. I’d cut him loose and find someone who’s willing to put effort in.
So, is the sex going slow or just the acknowledgment of the relationship?
Also, could he make an effort to at least look like he’s in it instead of just telling you “Please stop thinking cuz I don’t like working hard trying to fool people so please just voluntarily act like the fool”?
If you’re okay with the taking things slowly, take it as slowly as you want. Do stuff you want to do. Don’t do anything just cuz he wants it. Enjoy your “hanging out” and see where it goes. Don’t put in efforts that you’ll regret in case it goes nowhere. But see if it goes anywhere.