Me (24M) Wife (23F)
Every since I was 16 I had a car. My mother brought my first one then after that my brought the others. Two gave out on me and one lasted me up until someone rear ended me. Now I have a small car that is good on gas and in good condition. My wife on the other hand never had a car.
Before we got married
When I went off to basic training I left my car with my mother because it was in her name and she was helping me with the car payments while I was gone. My wife who was my girlfriend at the time wanted to drive it but she didn’t want to help with the payments or get out on my car insurance in case something happened. Fast forward to today, she still doesn’t have a car. I feel like it’s still not my fault. She wants something off the lot but I keep telling her to get a used car until she can afford something off the lot. I have my own financial issues so I can’t help her purchase one but when she had the money she decided to get a dog instead. She doesn’t know how to prioritize her money and keeps blaming me for current situation.
Is I’m wrong for telling her that it’s not my fault?
38 comments
It sounds like you’re roommates instead of family.
Instead of what she can afford and what I can afford, how about what *we* can afford and what *we* choose for us? And along the way you two manage personal finance well, teaching her (and you) some of the basic premises of sound money management.
We’ve always had two cars and we’ve jointly paid for all of them together out of our funds. And while we generally use the same cars as daily drivers, we don’t bat an eye if we ever swap cars.
So you have a car but she doesn’t? You are married but she can’t drive the car????
When I was still allowed to drive and throughout most of my relationship with my wife. We have a car. It’s the families car, not mine, not hers. If I needed it I would drive, if she did she would drive.
I really don’t understand the whole mine yours thing when you are in a relationship, especially if you have a family. It’s just ours. My art stuff is mine. We have seperate computers. But big things like house and cars is ours. Same with finances. You say she has financial issues but so do you. Don’t you talk things through? Don’t you centralise your finances? So that the family benefits?
Seriously this whole mine mine mine attitude I see a lot of here. It gets me sometimes.
Realistically, neither one of you have cars. Your *mom* has a car. You may have paid for it but it’s not even in your name for financial reasons as you mentioned. So…why do you punish her for financial issues when you admittedly have some of your own?
So let me get this straight, you married someone and you are unwilling to share your car with her? On top of that you’re in the military so you expect her to put her own career second and then you want to bash her for not being able to afford a car on her own? And it’s no wonder she got a dog. She’s probably lonely. If you’re in the military I assume you’re busy. If she doesn’t have a car I assume that makes it hard for her to even attend the family/spouse events where she could make some friends. You should really get your priorities straight. I suggest utilizing some of the base financial resources. They can help you build a budget and teach you how to properly manage your money. As for your marriage, maybe talk to the chaplain. I think you have some things to work through with your wife.
Did you marry solely for the military benefits? I’m asking because this really seems odd that you are so hesitant to share your vehicle with your wife. Are you afraid she’s going to wreck it? I understand that you had before marriage, but what do you have to lose here by letting her use the car?
So by marrying you, someone who is in the military, she’s going to have frequent unemployment everytime you PCS. She’s gonna have to leave behind family, friends and jobs she won’t want to leave in order to support your career.
You’re gonna have to change your way of thinking. She gave up a lot by marrying into your life and you will have to be the one to step up and support her because Of it
When you get married that car then belongs to both of you and she should be able to drive, a marriage can almost never work unless you both become one and share everything you have, I would never dream of telling my wife hey I bought this get away. In successful marriages everything is shared you own nothing on your own including money
This is written as if you two are still dating. You’re married. If you don’t work together with your finances and come up with a plan that suits both of you, you will never ever get ahead financially or otherwise.
I purchased my car when my husband and I were dating. I worked hard for that car and I love it. His current car (which was also his first car) is getting too old to drive out of town with. So guess what car my husband drives whenever he goes out of town for work? My car. Because what’s mine is his and we are a team.
Wow I’m glad I have a 70’s model hubby, that’s virtually unheard of, that a man that said I do, a promise to cherish, protect etc. or something like a vow wouldn’t make sure his wife has transpo. If you guys can’t afford it start a car fund today, I know I would see this as a sign of not caring, and I would probably pursue it on my own, with a feeling of resentment tucked away sadness 😞 Is there other areas in the relationship where you tell her she’s on her own, how long you been married, what are your ages?
Is she allowed to drive it?
OP is going to be awfully upset if she ever gets divorced.
Everything that’s yours is now half hers lol.
YTA op
OP there’s a lot of “I did X, but she does Y” as if you are on different teams. Marriage is a partnership. Are you the primary breadwinner? IMO it is the responsibility of the primary breadwinner to smooth out the capital needed to bring the secondary breadwinner’s quality of life to an even level with your own. This means that even if you make more money, you shouldn’t be enjoying luxuries that she doesn’t have, ie; new clothes, car, etc. Early on in our marriage, I spent a lot of money on video games, cars, etc because I felt I earned them. I didn’t realize that my wife was trying to be frugal and wasn’t buying the stuff she needed, nor was I encouraging her to buy little quality of life items to make her feel like we weren’t poor as hell. I was eating up all the extra money buying shit for myself. I recognized this and made a big shift to try and take care of her, buy her plants, a new computer, etc.
I know you mentioned having “financial issues of your own,” but that’s kind of odd to me. If you have financial issues, you *both* have financial issues. If you want to buy a house together, *both* of your credit scores, income, debt to income ratio, etc are calculated. As a married couple your financial states are inseparably tied together. Any attempt to keep them separate will cause you issues.
As a married couple you should just get it over with and combine finances. My wife and I got a joint bank account shortly after marriage as I made a lot more money than her, and I found the dynamic very uncomfortable to require her to ask me for money to buy things she needed, etc. We are still very frugal, we communicate any expense over $30 to eachother, and we track every expense to the dollar on a shared spreadsheet, but money is pooled and pulled from one account.
When you marry someone, you marry all of them, including their financial state.
Wow, I thought military guys are tough and manly men, this guy literally hides his car from his wife and has “his own financial issues”, what kinda marriage is this? This is a joke, she should just leave you. Man up and go buy her a new car, with financing I’m sure you can afford about $300 a month. Get a second job if you have to but keep your wife happy
Look at the dude’s post history. He made his wife get rid of her dog and is wondering if he should choose between the military and his marriage. He’s not a nice person.
Uh 👌
And here I am in my marriage, husband telling me to drive his new car because it’s “our car” and I should get used to it but I won’t cuz it’s enormous and I’m not even 5ft tall. I’m good with my little Mazda 3.
I can’t imagine having a spouse that’s mine and yours. Sure my husband has a coin collection that he works on and truly enjoy, and I am an avid reader. We’d never get rid of books or coins on each other’s behalf but man it’s our home, our finances, our investments, our retirement accounts. Why marry and become a unit of y’all aren’t a unit??
Too late to get a car now. They cost like $200,000 for a used 1990 Saturn POS with no AC and 400k miles
After reading this guy’s post history, definitely his fault. His attitude in this post sucks but reading his other posts, I really hope your wife leaves your ass. You sound like a terrible person to be married to.
You make everything about you , how it benefits you. You make no attempt to work together as a team. Your marriage won’t last long at all.
Married her but she cannot drive your car.
That is not very nice.
When you are married you are one. Unless you have some prenuptial agreement, what is hers is yours and yours is hers as far as cars, real estate, kids you have together, bills, food. If something is in your mom or anyone else’s name but only you can drive it, you need to man up and either have mom allow you both, put it in your name or sell it to you. You don’t tell the wife to go buy her own vehicle. Either you help her get one as good as the one you have or you get one in both of your names together.
Dude divorce your wife so she can find a better partner and you and your car can go back to your mommy.
OP, you’re a POS
You sound so selfish. Keep this attitude and your marriage (and any relationship after) will fail. I hope you open your eyes before you grow old alone.
Bro they’re eating you up in the comments…💀 Seriously though, she’s your wife, share the car. ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ
Soooo what happens if y’all have kids? Is it her kid or your kid?
If you are married, what’s yours is hers. You don’t have a car. You and your wife have a family car.
If you don’t think like this, maybe you weren’t ready for marriage. There is no more mine and yours. There is only ours.
You sound like a jerk.
When I got engaged my wife did not have a car. I bought her a car. It was my first priority.
This is going to end up like every other married person in the service at that age. Can’t wait for the divorce follow up. This is laughably bad, they should not be married.
You and I have different Ideas of what a marriage is.
Legally everything you own and she owns is both of yours. So logically you should combine your lives *including* your finances.
And walk with your spouse! Sit her down and tell her your concerns about her finances. Explain that this is your failure too, because she is your wife.
And come up with a plan, together, on what car she can get and how long it will take if you save x together, and be her *husband*.
Y’all aren’t roommates. Y’all are one. Talk to her! Love her enough to gently change her view.
Post title should be
“First wife blames me for her not having a car.”
Talk about money with your spouse. Set a household budget. Include transportation expenses for both of you. Include what both of you make. Will having a car increase her ability to work? Allow her to do household errands more independently? Make her and any children you might have or eventually have safer and better prepared for emergencies? I don’t know if you just got married last week or if you have been married since before you got your second car. If she has been married to you for several years and seen you replace your own car more than once and you are not helping her buy a car by co-signing the loan or whatever then I can totally see her side of things. I can see why you might hesitate to buy something brand new but I’d also see her point if her experience with used cars was the parade of cars that broke down in a few years that you seem to have driven. It’s not unreasonable to want something to last longer than the payment plan.
Dude, support your wife. It is what husbands do.
Instead of coming on here and talking shit about your wife, sit down with her and teach her how to budget. Support her and take her to look at cars she can afford. Sit down with her and help her do the math. Show her WHY you think used car is better and let her make that decision herself. In the mean time, let her use your car and add her to the insurance. Some day shit may hit the fan, you’ve already said you’ve been thru multiple cars. What if you rear end someone and not only is it your fault but you total your car? You’ll be in here asking “why won’t my wife let me use her car?”
Um. Before we bought hubby his own vehicle, he still used mine. Granted he didn’t make payments but he was on my insurance just in case. Now he has his very own vehicle. Maybe it’s not your fault, but why aren’t you helping. What’s the point in being married if she can’t use your credit and vice versa to get a vehicle? That’s what we did, even before we got married. Lord
My brother in christ, you are bad at marriage
You sound like you need serious therapy based on this post and everyone of your posts.