You walk in the door after a tough day at the office / factory / hospital / airport / farm / wherever.
What do you want your stay-at-home partner to do and have done?
What do you not want them to do?
I (40M) stay at home while my wife works.
We live in a flat in a city in a country to which we moved for her job.
We have a small toddler. Our child doesn’t go to day care or school yet.
My wife works fairly long hours, although these days she works from home about half the time – so we sometimes eat lunch together.
How can I make our evenings better?
For example, after a day of looking after my daughter, I crave adult conversation. But my wife has just spent her day talking to adults and wants to zone out for a bit.
So I’ve stopped jumping on her with talk about my day or current affairs or the book I’m reading. It can wait until after dinner. Gets a better reception then too.
I try to make sure the kitchen is functional. Check we have milk and coffee and alcohol. Check there’s food; shop if not.
I usually tidy up my daughter’s toys so the living room feels inviting. Feed and change her if possible (she has her own opinion on timings).
I keep myself presentable. Nothing OTT but showered and groomed that day, with clean clothes. I usually wear a long-sleeved checked shirt with the cuffs folded up to just below the elbow. Trousers or shorts. She likes the look, I like it, it’s practical, and yet it looks fine in public or if someone visits. (If I sit at home in a scruffy t-shirt, I end up never leaving the house optionally – too big a hurdle to get going.)
What else?
The big thing would be making dinner I guess, but I’m a crap cook. I do it some days, but it’s pasta or crêpes or bread-based or the like. I just can’t seem to devote the energy to learn to cook. Have tried half-heartedly for years.
Your thoughts?
SAHP opinions welcome too.
10 comments
Yes! My wife greets me with a big embrace, long kiss & the most genuine smile every day when I get home from work. I start looking forward to it before I even reach the office in the morning.
Other than that, just for something reasonable to have been done. It doesn’t have to be huge. I don’t want to be tripping over things, but I certainly don’t expect it spotless or without any clutter.
The thing that may bother me during the summer months when the kids are out of school is if she didn’t keep on our teenagers about doing their chores. That’s often what happens is she gets tired of pushing them so I have to be the bad guy & crack the whip when I get home.
Ask your wife what ***she*** would like. Every person is different, and what matters most is what works for ***your*** family and marriage.
My husband was the stay at home parent for a few years while our daughter was younger. We have rental properties that he managed to give us mostly passive income so he was still bringing in money but my job had insurance so he drew the short straw and quit his job. You’re not going to like my answer but the absolute best thing he did was put dinner on the table every night. The last thing I wanted to do when I came home was cook a meal for everyone. It was also a nice way to start our evening, chatting over dinner. Maybe start with easy stuff? My husband is an excellent cook but on rough days he’d throw together pizza in 30 minutes and it was really good every time
Stay-at-home dad to three boys (6, 5, 2).
>For example, after a day of looking after my daughter, I crave adult conversation. But my wife has just spent her day talking to adults and wants to zone out for a bit.
For this, I’d suggest finding an additional source of adult conversation. You don’t have any friends you can message and chat with throughout the day? Having that adult interaction sprinkled throughout your day-to-day means that you’re not starved for it when your spouse gets home.
>The big thing would be making dinner I guess, but I’m a crap cook. I do it some days, but it’s pasta or crêpes or bread-based or the like. I just can’t seem to devote the energy to learn to cook. Have tried half-heartedly for years.
LEARN. It’s easy. When I decided I was going to make breakfast for my wife every day, I didn’t know how to make hashbrowns or eggs. So I looked it up and I followed the directions. I put the heat on what it says, I set the timer for what it says, and gradually it’s grown more intuitive and natural. And now, I can easily whip up a tasty breakfast for my wife every day.
And for dinner, cook big meals with the goal of having leftovers for a couple days. And do that with internet directions and the proper tools. My tri-tip was *fine* for years just following timing/temp directions from the internet, then I got a cheap instant read thermometer and suddenly every single grill dish has improved dramatically. I just pulled a tri-tip off the grill that will be our lunch and dinner for at least 3 days, and it will be delicious for every one of those.
Seriously though, this is by far the EASIEST thing you can do to up your game. I’ve been married ten years and, if I say so myself, I make GOOD food – and yet I started with essentially no experience at all. If you want, I can even give you tips on my favorites: biscuits and gravy, nachos and carne asada, tri-tip, french toast sticks… It’s all delicious and WAY easier than people think. It’s just about following simple directions.
For learning to cook, I would try some Pinterest recipes that start with “easy”. Also your two new BFFs can be a crockpot (nothing is simpler than dumping and walking away) and an air fryer (simple chicken in the air fryer, microwave rice, microwave veg). I love to cook, but don’t have a ton of time or energy these days so most meals revolve around those two appliances.
My wife would make me dinner and greet me with and enthusiastic “hello!“ (with hug and kiss). But I’ve been working from home since the pandemic so now we get to see each other in action all day.
I really didn’t need anything special. Or anything more. I just wanted a nice greeting and a chance to reconnect.
Other people have said this but cooking has got to be the biggest impact. Honestly, go to YOUTUBE and start looking up “easy 15 minute recipes” or go by type of recipe “easy simple sheet pan cooking” or “air fryer recipes” or “one pot recipes”. Etc. Most YouTube creators will list the ingredients in their description and since you’re watching a video you can get a sense of the proper techniques, how dark/light to make something, what texture is correct, etc….basically all those things that you can’t see when youre just reading a recipe in a book. Does that make sense? Plus when you see how easy it is, you’ll kick yourself for not trying some things earlier!!! My dad was stay at home and luckily he loved cooking but it made the difference. I’m currently stay at home while I’m recovering from surgery complications and that’s the big one. I agree that you definitely want to give your spouse some buffer time before seeking real conversation with them. I definitely try to great my husband or call out to him when he comes just so he feels welcome home. I noticed that if he comes home while I’m distracted/occupied he feels a bit miffed. Ha! Oh and we take off outdoor shoes by the door and I make sure he has his house sandals by the door so he doesn’t have to hunt for where he flung them.
My wife leaves for work at 4:30am. One little thing I do is after dishes I wash and fill up her little Keurig cup and get her coffee cup all setup so she just has to push a button. I get all the ironing stuff and set that up too for her with her work clothes. She irons way better than me. Then when I get up I just put the iron and board away.
My husband is a SAHD. He would lay out comfy PJs for me and keep the kids away from me when I got home so I could shower, get cozy and just relax for a minute. Then I would come and start dinner, play with the kids etc.
I do not want to come in to an insane mess, and the expectation I’m able to immediately step into parent mode. I really need a short amount of time to be ready to switch.
With that said, I make sure he gets his time too.
My partner would love food ready, the animals walked, house clean, and wants to veg out/watch TV. I don’t always accomplish those things, and he isn’t critical about it, but that is definitely his preference
Edited to add: For dinner, look up crockpot meals with good reviews. They are usually very hard to mess up