Me (M22) and my fiance (F23) have been together for almost 2 years now. I do EVERYTHING. I wash all the clothes, make food, clean everything, take out the trash, etc. My partner hardly ever does… I could literally be unloading the dishwasher and she’ll stand there and watch. If I do laundry she *might* fold some but refuses to hang anything up bc she “can’t do it right”.
I’ve supported us both financially the entire relationship, she has not worked 1 solid week since we’ve been together (worked maybe 20-30 days the whole time). I sold most of my belongings when it got tough, but I got us though. I was finally able to start my own small business too, but shortly after she quit her job. I’ve been trying to hang on… but our rent was just raised plus the crazy prices of everything right now. I have to give up my dream to support both of us.
Theres so much more I could add, but it honestly breaks my heart putting it into words. I love her to death, but I feel like shes going to be the death of me. I’ve tried communicating this before but she always says I’m “attacking her” then starts yelling, and crying hysterically. I’m at a loss on what to do
40 comments
I’m sorry that you’ve come to the point, not only of making a post on Reddit about it, but having the realization of what is going on… You must have been asking your title question for quite some time?!
As someone who did many things in a relationship and was hardly, if ever recognized for them I know the feeling.
From your description, it sounds as if you are… however, you have to make the decision [but yes].
Good luck!
Bruh, she’s a leech. You know what you need to do.
She’s crying hysterically so you don’t bring it up again. She’s training you to tolerate her lazy codependency. You had to give up your DREAM to support a woman who can’t hold a job and even then, does not do anything all day. Why? What makes her worth it?
I’d personally bring up her shortcomings one last time, and the moment she started yelling or deflecting I’d tell her she has 30 days to get out. I’d also buy a lock for the fridge and tell her for those 30 days she gets to pay half rent, half utilities and for her own food.
You threw your lot in with a loser, frankly, so it’s going to hurt before it gets better, but you’ll be really grateful you got out when she’s out of your life
You’re young, don’t commit to this irresponsible, selfish dumpster fire
You may love her but you also have to love yourself. The more you continue with a relationship that feels unfair, the less self -respect you’ll feel for yourself. And then you really will get stuck.
Get out of thst relationship asap. It will hurt, but trust me it will be better for the long run. Imagine having kids with her… also your love for her will go away and than you will be stuck with a dependent woman.
Dude, she is taking you for a ride. She’s a leech, wanting you to earn the money and do the housework. Stop doing any housework for her. Wash only your clothes, your cutlery and let the rest go. If she has problems tell her to do it. If it continues move out. Whatever you do, don’t marry her yet.
M8, if what you wrote is true, this must be a rhetoric question. She is obviously taking advantage of you, she probably don’t respect you and as soon as you get married, she will own half of your business.
She sounds toxic AF, why are you putting up to this?
I know you love her, but love is not enough for a good relationship. Love is the bare minimum.
If you don’t want to break up right away, which I understand, you have to talk with her. Make her a nice dinner, tell her how much you love her but explain how you are feeling: tired, stressed out, and that you need her to help and support you. Don’t accuse her of being useless or something, but formulate more like something you both need to do for your own mental sake.
Use “I” sentences, if she easily feels attacked.
If she refuses, screams or denies your request, you should see her behaviour as it is: she does not care about you enough for you to stay with her.
You deserve a relationship based on love AND respect. If she does not respect you and refuse to change, go find someone who will be ready to be your partner, not just your lover.
Good luck 🙂
Are you being taken advantage of?
Did you want a dependant child? Because you got one now.
How does she handle not having any money?
Does she keep to the same budget you do?
What is it you actually want from a partner and is this what you want? If not then it is okay to say that you don’t want this type of relationship.
Oh and that communicating she does, that is called being a martyr by design, it is designed to stop you talking about things she doesn’t want to face, like being an adult and working.
You deal with it by taking your stuff and moving out, you don’t renew the lease or whatever and move far far away. She goes back to the princess castle where she came from and you get therapy to learn why you chose to put up with this for so long.
If you can’t raise issues without a hysterical reaction, you are basically in a hostage situation not a relationship.
Why don’t you guys split your chores like I know it should be the bare minimum for her to do since she is not working but I also think it’s better for you both to communicate and assign chores to each other. Even if she can’t do things right, ask her to help you. Afterwards, if you find she is not helping you again then it’s better to call it quits because she’s not doing her fair share. Also, if you want to start saving more money then ask her to help you budget as well and make a budget you can spend in a month or let her know you can’t financially support her because you have goals for yourself and she is holding you back. Be honest and tell her how you feel.
The short answer? Yes, you’re being taken advantage of. It doesn’t sound like there’s much give-and-take here, and if what you’ve described is the full situation, you’re not getting anything in return for all the effort you’re putting in.
But I feel like there might be more to this post than what you’ve written. I’ve picked up a few parts of your post where I can see potential gaps:
I’m seeing some patterns here: *refuses to hang anything up bc she “can’t do it right”*, *says I’m “attacking her”*. Does she have a hypercritical mother, by any chance? One who always tells her she’s doing everything wrong?
*She has not worked 1 solid week since we’ve been together*. What was the job she was doing? Why did she quit? What was she doing before that? Does she have a qualification? What did she want to be when she grew up (and is that still a realistic goal that you could nudge her towards)? What about studying?
*I wash all the clothes, make food, clean everything, take out the trash, etc. My partner hardly ever does …* *She always says I’m “attacking her” then starts yelling, and crying hysterically*. Has she ever looked into getting checked out for ADHD? It’s treatable, but you can’t treat something you don’t know about. Meltdowns can be part of it. Lack of executive function can be part of it. Getting treatment might help her contribute more to the relationship (and her own life).
*Our rent was just raised plus the crazy prices of everything right now*. This isn’t a reason to stay with someone who’s hurting you.
*I love her to death*. I hope this isn’t too direct, but why? From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like she’s bringing much to the relationship, so there must be something positive here that’s keeping you in this situation.
Read that back to yourself. It should answer your own question.
I (25F) unfortunately just got out of a very similar situation. Got offered my dream job and the opportunity to relocate where the cost of living is cheaper (i.e. there was no chance in hell he was going to move with me and mooch off my new salary thus removing any hope he’d ever get a job again). My ex (32M) was similar to your Gf here. Lazy, unemployed, never helped around the house, etc. To this day, I love him.
Point here is – I got to a point where I didn’t WANT to break up with him, I had to. I applaud you for the sacrifices you’ve made thus far but it sounds to me you are in a very similar place as I was 2-3 weeks ago. The questions I kept asking myself were “how long can this be sustained?” “Would I ever want to bring a child into this environment?” “Why do I keep sacrificing myself?”
Best of luck going forward, it’s not easy, but 150% worth protecting your peace and future.
Yup you are being taken advantage of.
It’s possible she might have some mental concerns like really unregulated ADHD or depression or something. And while this possibility might explain why she behaves this way (which she should talk to a therapist regardless) it would not excuse them.
Either way you are being taken advantage of.
Sorry but it’s pretty obvious you’re being taken advantage of.
I’d just break up, the only other option I see is this. Tell her you love her, but you want a partner, not a dependent. Move to separate places. Tell her if she can manage to support herself and keep things together, you’d be willing to give it another try.
But the combination of her being useless, on top of refusing to communicate, seems like a pretty rough combination. I’d start making plans to move out on my own as soon as the current lease is up.
I was in a similar situation, she worked, but did little else. I had to sit her down and tell her point blank that this is it, this is the moment that you decide to promote yourself to partner in this relationship, or we go our separate ways. She is still improving, and has bad weeks, but she is trying, and that was all it took for me to love her more than ever. However, if it goes the other way you have to stand up and walk away from the relationship, if she won’t change then she can’t change.
Yes. You are.
Dude. Run.
[My advice](https://youtu.be/mw2kKyJu9gY?t=126)
My ex husband was like this. Did absolutely nothing but take up space, play video games and ate the food I cooked. He used weaponized incompetence to get out of everything and knew exactly what he was doing. She’s a leech and has every intention of doing absolutely nothing in your relationship. Get out. She’s shown who she really is and she isn’t worth it.
You sound like an extremely capable person who has their shit together. It would be one thing if she recognized how this is affecting you, but instead she’s been in a “woe is me” state the entire time you’ve dated.
Take a look at what you have to offer in a relationship, and imagine being with someone who can at the very least put in the effort to contribute. How much happier would you be?
I doubt she’ll change man, I think you need to start considering your own needs.
Yes you are. She needs to be gone. If she doesn’t want to work she can go live with her parents bc that’s what she thinks you are. parents take care of kids up to a certain age and she obviously hasn’t grown out of that.
*Am I being taken advantage of?*
Yes. Yes you are.
This is why it is important to discuss how things like household work will be distributed across and what you expect out of your partner like for example
If you expect your partner to help you when you cook or clean by either sitting up the table or washing the dishes
Things like that
If you feel as if it is unfair – talk to her about it , explain it and if she doesn’t do anything to improve
I’m a petty person I’d let all them dishes pile , her clothes rot until she realizes it takes two or however many people in your life to make things work
Because if she is unwilling to accept you peacefully coming to her – period if anyone is unwilling to recognize your burden and upsetting feelings and chooses to blame or deflect
You set boundaries and standards and if they are not met you follow through with your plan whether it be
“Listen I’ve tried to talk to you about how I feel and you say I am trying to attack you. I have no intentions of that ,but if you believe I am – why is that? I’ve self reflected on how I feel – I think you should too and we should talk about how we will distribute the weight in this relationship until then – I will be …. …. … Or I will be doing my thing somewhere else for us to cool off until we collect our thoughts. Because what I want is something I need from this relationship to feel less strained.”
Or go to couple therapy
Or both of you guys check in with your emotions whether you are depressed , stressed , etc
I’m not going to advise that you leave her since you guys are finaces and I am no marriage counselor but if it bother you so much then yall should be willing to go to marriage counseling or couple counseling
Omg honey we have the genderbend of the same person. 2 years and i do everything. You should probably ask yourself the question that i asked myself which brought me closer to sanity and my own dreams. What is your partner bringing to the household or relationship. If shes an amazing person to you emotionally but sucks as a housemate then id give an ultimatum. If she isnt a good friend to you then what is making you hang on? Every successful relationship should have a good friend on both sides. Then you build up. When you build a home together it should be equal not one sided. I struggled hard with the decision to leave but ultimately he wasnt going to change and if ima do everything solo anyways i might as well be solo 🤷♀️ i am not a babysitter or his mama i got my own life to live. I cancelled my dreams for him and now i have the chance to chase them and after much thought im taking it. He hasnt helped me at all and puts more shit on my plate. Dump the extra shit on your plate and focus on YOU. Best of luck my guy ❤️
You’ve definitely answered your own question.
Her accusing you of attacking her and resulting to crying hysterically is her way of manipulating you into thinking you’re in the wrong.
A good partner would never let their partner do everything and get to the point where they’re struggling to make ends meet.
You should try talking with her about it again, this time using “I think” and “I feel” statements. That way, you aren’t accusing her of anything.
For example: “I think I am doing more housework than you, and I feel like it is unfair” or “from my perspective, you are not listening to my feelings by accusing me of attacking you when I share my thoughts”
If she’s still not making the effort to have the discussion and not changing her ways, then you could either give her an ultimatum or break up with her.
Sounds like she’s not communicating with you about some stuff like that thing about not being able to hang clothes on a hanger correctly.
But to answer your question: Yes, you are being taken advantage of.
She sounds like a child that has never grown up… If she ‘gives’ you enough to make all of your efforts worth it then keep her…
Relationships should be well communicated on who does what… Some people just want a ‘house cat’ that they come home and fuck (We will call this the sex kitten, they just lounge all day, you feed them and even clean up their shit as needed), some want a partner that takes care of every single thing at the house while they are out working… whichever you are happy with it should be well communicated an everyone has a clear understanding of their rolls
If you never told her that she needed to accomplish XYZ to keep you happy then that is on you… Everyone has the right to re-assess and possibly re-draft these rules if they feel like they are being taken advantage of
If you do this and she still blows it off then it’s honestly time to take a firmer stance
Sounds like my mother that my father is currently trying to divorce. She leeches off of him & won’t do anything all day. The ONLY things she does is empty the dishwasher (I have to leave out an explicit note that’s extremely easy to find before work most mornings asking her politely to do so, otherwise she’ll pretend she didn’t see that the dishwasher said “clean” all day in neon letters) & takes **days** just to fold a couple loads of laundry. Everything else falls on the 2 of us. If you bring up her getting a job she becomes irate & hostile because guess what? She thinks we’re “attacking” her.
***LEAVE***. It will only get worse, until you’re looking back decades down the road thinking “what have I done?” & all those years will be gone–wasted on a lazy, selfish person.
You need to lay it out for her. You cannot continue to do everything for both of you. Ask her to help come up with solutions. Let her know how hard this is on you and ask her if there is anything she can do to contribute more. Ask her why she hasn’t looked for another job or learned how to do things like hang up clothes.
Those aren’t attacks. If she can’t have have a rational conversation with you about these things- she needs to leave. Ultimatums suck, but not as much as killing yourself for someone who doesn’t give back. Either she comes up with a plan to contribute more and sticks to it or she goes. You need to go into this conversation prepared to tell her to leave.
People who love you don’t watch you burn yourself out and then laze around while you do all the chores. People who love you don’t let you give up on your dreams without trying to find another way to make ends meet first. People who love you don’t vicitimize themselves to avoid addressing your feelings. Look up DARVO.
It seems harsh, but given her over the top emotional reactions in the past, it is very likely she will try to sabatoge or spitefully destroy things when she realizes you aren’t going to give into her tears. Depending on how volitile you think she might get, it would be a good idea to have someone with you or on standby to come help or just be a witness to ensure she can’t claim that you hurt or otherwise were cruel to her.
Bro, I’ve been through with a girl like that before, leave NOW . I loved this girl i was with, but my brain and gut feelings were telling me to leave her because i was being used, she did the same things she did to you, gaslit me like crazy etc. I also found out later she had BPD etc. And is very manipulitive and lied to me lot. What did I do? I kicked her out as soon as possible. Did it hurt? Yeah, at first..until she started making life impossible just to get her out of my life, make sure you record when you’re kicking her out she might lie to authorities and get family and friends to turn on you with lies. She’ll try hurting you, make you lose everything etc. DO NOT MARRY HER. To this day, my ex still tries contacting me regardless if I have her blocked on everything else. If I were you, I’d change numbers, and move away as well.
So she’s a moocher. Ditch her.
Make sure you have someone there when you tell her to get a job or move out.
Yes, you are. She’s over-reacting to make you feel like you’re the asshole for wanting her to do some work for once. This is not healthy for you. If she’s not open to pulling her own weight, you need to break up with her, as hard of a descision as it can be.
Don’t be surprised if you break up and she magically gets her shit together. It’s a tale as old as time.
>If I do laundry she might fold some but refuses to hang anything up bc she “can’t do it right”.
It’s different from what you mentioned, but deliverately doing chores wrong or half-assing them so that your partner will get fed up with it and start doing everything on their own is called weaponized incompetence. Just in case you’ve experienced that too.
I hope you realize soon what’s best for you OP. Good luck and put yourself first.
Relationships are supposed to be partnerships in which both partners share the load. Yours is not a partnership and it’s not fair to you. What did your gf do before she moved in with you? She’s been able to control you by crying/hysterics. You need to decide if you want to try and salvage the Relationship or if you’re done.
If you want to salvage the realtionship you need to tell her that she needs to find and keep a job as well as doing her share of the chores. Give her a time limit to accomplish these goal and tell her if she can’t she’ll need to leave. And if she says you’re”attacking her” or starts yelling, and crying hysterically tell her to stop because you’re going to toss her out if she doesn’t start acting like a grown up. If you can afford to you might go to counseling with her.
If you’re over it, tell her she needs to be out in 2 weeks or whatever time-line you decide on. Good luck and don’t let her crying keep you from doing what you need to do.
Yes, you’re being taken advantage of. Basic adults do basic adulting things like having a job. The fact that she hasn’t worked at all, even part time, is a bad sign.
She’s not an adult at all, she doesn’t pay bills, doesn’t work, doesn’t clean, do laundry, dishes, cook or anything. She’s acting like she’s 8 years old.
How has she not worked a week and simulataneously quit her job
Why are you supporting her financially? Why can’t she work? You are too young for that burden
OP yes you are being taken advantage of, I’ve personally thought that in a relationship it’s ok if one person doesn’t know how to do some basic things but the thing is they have to be able to learn, OP you said u do everything around the house you make the money and she does nothing, she is literally a leesh the only advice I have for you is to drop her you seem like you’ve suffered enough best of luck
#WHY IS YOUR DREAM TO SUPPORT BOTH OF YOU?
In preschool when asked about what you wanted to be when you grew up did you answer: “I wanna be the guy that pays for another person to live their life”
If you have to ask you already know