Ok so obviously I will have a discussion with him about this when the time is right, but for now I would like the perspective of internet strangers. Been seeing this lovely divorcee [M46] for just over two months. He had an 11 year marriage end 2 years ago.Has a son who lives with his ex in another country. Currently dealing with on going child custody and divorce things. Things are still very new so we are dipping our toes in and taking things slowly. I can only imagine the pressures of divorce, child custody and entering the dating pool again. Things have been going really well, he is just a lovely guy and we are having a nice time ugetting to know each other.
So we spend 1-2 times a week together on average. And he comes to my place, no sleep overs, and I have never been to his place.
Is this a bit of a red flag?
Maybe a boundary thing? Intimacy thing? Anyone have perspective?
22 comments
If the ex lives in another country with the child, I don’t see what the reason for not being at his place would be. If the child stayed with him occasionally and so didn’t want you to cross paths then that would be reasonable. But they’re in another country.
I’d literally just bring it up. “I’d love to see your place. Maybe we can watch X at yours and order Y.”
Have you ever asked to go to his? Does he mostly answer if you call?
Why doesn’t he?
Sleeping in the same bed as someone is an extremely intimate act, and in some ways, creates a false sense of intimacy between people before a relationship has actually had time to develop.
Not a red flag in my (41m) eyes. Ask to see his place, if he refuses then that is something to consider as a flag. Chances are he may not be living as he wishes at 46 and is embarrassed by it.
Ask regardless.
Yes, it is a bit of a red flag. I’ve(F 33) been seeing a currently separated guy (50) who lives alone and we hangout mostly at his place. I don’t visit when his kids are over, but the rest of the time I’m practically living there.
And he showed me his place on the 3rd date itself…it’s been a year now.
He could be a hoarder
Have you asked to go to his place? Just in general I think it’s weird if you are dating someone and they don’t have you over unless they explain it to you regarding why they don’t. I would also be wary since he says he’s going through divorce things….maybe he’s not actually divorced?
I had something similar ish go on with a guy whose kids stayed with his ex wife in another country but turned out he was still married. So I would just be careful.
Is he military? That can add another potential equation.
maybe you’re not the only one he’s seeing, so he hasn’t invite you over, or maybe being more on a positive note that things are still new and he’s taking it slow.
I dont think its necesarily a red flag. It might just have happened that way. Maybe he’s a bit messy or he likes your place. I’m not so keen on people in my space. But it might be more down to convenience. Is there travel distance? Maybe he doesn’t want you to have to drive home late at night? Maybe it just hasnt occured to him to invite you home. I wouldnt be too worried just yet
So he’s been coming over to your place 2 times per week for 2 months? So he’s been to your place around 16 times, let’s say 10 times more realistically. And in that time he never asked you over? Yeah, seems a bit odd.
I’m not sure if it’s a red flag per se, as there might be a legitimate innocent reason for why he didn’t invite you over, but honestly I’m struggling to think of what such a reason could be.
I’d definitely ask but I have to admit it’s a bit odd. I once dated a 37M that had just divorced and we used to hang out at his place from the very beginning…
I’d want to know how your relationship with him compares to other relationships he’s had in the past two years. Maybe compare to your other relationships in the past two years.
You know, like, relationship patterns.
If he hasn’t had any, he may just be happy to just marinate in being in the company of someone that likes him where it isn’t a fight. Nothing in your post indicates intimacy. He sounds like a new friend that’s a lovely guy and appreciates being able to hang out at your place away from his pressures of life.
Circling back to your first line, I’d be curious to hear Reddit’s opinion on “when the time is right” to have a discussion to visit someone’s house. For me, it normally accompanies “what do you want to do tomorrow?” With “want me to pick you up?” Typically after he/she has been to my house between 1 and a dozen times unreciprocated. If it’s more than a dozen, I check her freezer for human heads.
Yes it is a red flag! But you’ll have to ask him to see how he responds. I found out one of the guys I’ve dated was a hoarder and it made sense why he never invited me over.
I think he is just being a little guarded with letting himself get in too deep too quickly.
If you both have a really nice connection and click well together, then give it a little time to see how it goes.
He may be still healing from whatever transpired in his failed marriage, and have a talk with him to let him know that you are there for him, that is if you are willing to go the extra mile to see if its worth it…
You sound like a really nice, caring lady so just talk it out and raise any things that you may have questions about…all the best
Have you been physical at all? I find it odd after 2 months.
I would say the next time you watch a movie or whatever you do at your place, why don’t we do it at your place
I don’t think its a red flag. Maybe your place is nicer, or his isn’t furnished as much as he’d like (I moved a year ago, and it took a LONG time to get everything in). Maybe he is just more private. Also, are you always the one inviting him over? Maybe he feels like “well if she is always inviting me, I’m fine going along with it”
I feel like you are looking for problems at this point
Have you confirmed that he’s actually divorced? Divorce filings are usually public record. Most men I’ve dated who are single want me to come over to their place. It would signal to me that either his wife is still there or his place is a dump. Neither are good IMO, but you should ask to go to his place and see what he says.
It’s not a red flag unless you have asked and he’s dodged the question. I lived in the city and my girlfriend lived in the burbs. We were together for well over a year before we moved in together recently. During that time I saw her apartment maybe 4 times max. It was because it made more sense to hang out at my place since there was so much more to do where I lived.
Bottom line is that people aren’t always hiding something, there could be a simple reason as to why he hasn’t invited you over.
Only thing I haven’t seen mentioned is a lot of divorced men are clueless about ‘making a home’. It could be as simple as his place sucks and is poorly furnished/kept together.
How close do you live to each other and what’s yours and his work schedule like? I almost always went to my boyfriends house for a few different reasons: we lived 35 minutes away from each other (not far by any means but not right down the road either), he had about a 40 minute commute to work and I worked from home. By the time 6 o’clock rolled around I was ready to get out of the house and he was just getting home. He’d shower, settle in and then I’d come over and we’d make dinner and chill or go out for dinner and do something fun.
It cut down on his driving time and I could get out of the house. It just worked well for us. I also liked his apartment more than mine, it was bigger, nicer and had an awesome view, he also had better cable stations lol it just sort of came to be our routine and what was typical.
I also didn’t start sleeping over right away, it was still early in the relationship and I didn’t want to “overstay my welcome”, plus im an obnoxious sleeper- I talk, move around a lot, hog the covers. One night we drank too much and I spent the night, after that I stayed the night every time.
It could be something like that, or it could be he wants to be a gentleman and come to you and be in a place that you’re most comfortable. And he’s taking it slow / going at a healthy and normal pace.
I remember too, I didn’t go to his place until around the two month mark- I had similar thoughts of is he hiding something, but when I reflected on everything nothing he did or said gave me reason to question the relationship, in fact- I realized had to readjust my mindset, I was used to just hanging out with guys at my place or theirs, and this man was taking me out on dates. When he “finally” invited me over I was so relieved to see his apartment was 100% all boy, nice apartment but clearly a man’s apartment with no signs of a wife / girlfriend. It’s sad our mind automatically goes there but I was glad I didn’t make a big deal out of it, if everything else is great and no other red flags, take it slow and suggest an activity where it makes sense to go to his place instead of yours or like others said, simply ask.
One last thought, if he shared that place with his ex-wife he may not to make you uncomfortable, or it’s a new place and he doesn’t have much furniture / has t made it homey, he could also be a more messy guy and doesn’t feel like cleaning up. Trust your gut but if nothing else is giving you reason to doubt it, just casually ask and see what he says!
As a man just bring it up. My last relationship I lived over an hour away. I felt bad if she made that drive. I always made the drive to her so she didn’t have to. She finally brought it up and I told her that exact reasoning, I live far away, I feel bad if you were to make the drive for me. She said I was being silly but I wasn’t. No funny business.
Communication, don’t assume things are red flags.