Hi everyone, so I (28 yo M) want advice on how to handle this. I moved to a new city for grad school last May. At first it was great socially, the cohort hanging out all the time and everything. Lately though it’s felt a lot more cliquey. Some of my friends have been hanging out a lot with each other and not ever really hitting me up to join. Recently, I’ve been trying to text a buddy to meet up on the weekends, but he doesn’t really respond to my texts, even though I know the rest of the guys are hanging out. I try to invite them to things I’m doing, but it doesn’t really seem to get reciprocated and I’m tired of putting in the effort for what’s starting to feel like a one-sided relationship. I was bullied a lot and ostracized from social groups a lot when I was younger. I’ve worked on myself a lot since then and am generally much more confident, but this kind of thing really brings back a lot of really negative old feelings for me. How would you recommend approaching this?
2 comments
Realize a couple things.
1. People are temporary. Friends, family, anyone that is not you in your life is temporary in your life. People will come in out like a breeze. Your friends may never even contact you again. So just recognize that while they’re ghosting, they’re just in the phase of being out your life. And recognize sometimes that phase is permanent.
2. Don’t place a lot of value on people who ghost, even if you shared intimate details. Don’t forget. You share details with therapists, yet they’re easily as likely to come in and out of your life, cut you off depending on the scenario. So it’s not intimate details that give people value. It’s only what they bring to you.
3. Don’t value friendships for the sake of them. Friendships are based on value. If it’s not mutual and good, then it’s not a friendship. It’s just acquaintanceship with unclear boundaries. See it accordingly, treat it accordingly
4. You are the only person permanent in your life, look out for yourself. When they ghost, don’t reach out to them.
5. If they’re bad friends, just cut them out. If their ghosting is toxic, cut them out. And people who just don’t text a lot but aren’t ghosting aren’t bad people but they aren’t someone to place value on. They’re not even willing to converse with you. Look at their priorities and how they’re not with you. Match their energy in priorities.
I feel for ya OP, you sound nice and like you try. ❤
Stop contacting them and move on. If they don’t really respond after multiple attempts it means they aren’t interested