Husband (33M) and I (32F) are in an arguement about how much effort to put in for BILs (26M) wedding
So basically my BIL is getting married. We didn’t even talk to him until last year. I’m not going to say this was all his fault, their family has major issues. However a few years ago I had a very traumatic delivery with my second and ended up in partial hospitalization for weeks. Neither BIL nor his then girlfriend now fiancee reached out TO ME at all. Keep in mind this was peak pandemic as well. I’ve known them since they were teenagers, she was a junior bridesmaid in my wedding. My MIL was taking care of my newborn while my husband worked and I later learned SIL had been taking care of my newborn some days and hadn’t even reached out to me specifically. I only learned this from my husband later and that he and BIL had talked some. But they didn’t do a thing for me.
My husband says that this is because I never apologized to her for things I did in the past, years ago and that BIL holds a grudge on her behalf as well. However my husband and BIL hadn’t apologized to eachother and they reached out to him.
So basically they are doing a courthouse wedding and then a weekend getaway at a lakehouse. We’d have to pay to get there (3 hours away) with our three under 10 in tow for the pleasure of staying in the middle of nowhere for four days. I don’t enjoy any of the activities we’re doing and don’t really enjoy the company, and I don’t want to fake smile for them all weekend.
I’m trying to compromise, the actual wedding is the courthouse and I said let’s do that and buy a nice card.
My husband disagrees and wants to go to the lake. He said it’s important and he’s trying to strengthen his relationship with his family. But this isn’t a family vacation it’s a wedding, the focus will be on her. And he’ll be running around with his siblings like nothing ever happened while I’m probably just going to in our room the whole time.
TlDr- I have very toxic in laws and don’t want to spend the weekend with them.
13 comments
Jesus Christ, suck it up and go to the wedding. It’s important to your husband and he’s trying to mend some old wounds.
>I don’t enjoy any of the activities we’re doing
This makes me think you might just be the toxic family member. They haven’t chosen recreational activities to your liking what a great reason not to go.
Husband goes, explaining that he couldn’t make it work bringing the wife and all the little maniacs (even include pets in the excuse), so she’s staying behind with the kids. Let’s party/mend fences.
You stay home comfortably and avoid all the crap. Maybe it’ll be a good first step.
I would LOVE to know what they feel you haven’t apologized for. That seems like a pretty major part of the story that you’re leaving out, especially since your B/SIL were comfortable enough to reconnect with your husband but specifically avoid you.
There is so much left unsaid, but I’m amazed that after reading your own account of things – which is doubtlessly biased in your favor – you *still* sound like the toxic person here.
These folks helped care for your kids.
These folks have known you since you were a teenager.
These folks invited you *even though you refuse to speak to them.*
You need to provide some critically missing context, or else the adage “If everywhere you go smells like shit, check your own foot” rings true.
At this point, you should let your husband – and maybe your kids too – go so they can connect with their family.
Girl, maybe have a day where you aren’t the main character. Go to the wedding, be a grown up and do a solid for your husband.
It’s not rocket science.
You’re not coming off well here. You don’t want to go, you also don’t want your husband to go without you… I get being alone with three kids is a lot but, ITS HIS BROTHERS WEDDING!! Regardless of what grudge you hold, trying to harm his relationship with his brother is unhealthy. Missing someone’s wedding is potentially relationship ending.
Maybe he can go with the kids? But honestly, you’ve got to be more open to comprise.
If situations like this are not super rare for you , you should consider therapy. It sounds like when you ‘told it like it is’ you were a jerk. It’s probably time for you to apologize.
They watched your kid for you, that’s not nothing.
So you owe your SIL an apology for things you’ve said to her, yet refuse to apologise.
Your SIL took care of your newborn baby when you were recovering in the hospital, and you’re angry she didn’t reach out to you.
You don’t want to go to this 4 day wedding event, you just want to go to the court house and buy a card. But you also don’t allow your husband going alone. You don’t even want your husband to go alone withnthe kids.
To me it sounds like you’re quite uncompromising and you just don’t want your husband to have a good relationship with BIL and SIL if it doesn’t centre around you.
Yeah. You need to suck it up.
Your FSIL watched your children for days while you were in the hospital, but you are mad that she didn’t also call you, even though she was getting regular updates from your husband. Somehow her act of selflessly helping your family in a time of need was a bad thing? And you still won’t speak to her?
This is his *family.*. A marriage isn’t just about you. It’s about both of you. Your husband has made it abundantly clear this is important to him. And your main objection is you don’t want to go because you’ll be bored. Not good enough.
Go to the wedding. Suck it up!
Just wondering how you can casually tell us it’s probably because you didn’t apologise for things you did in the past. But don’t tell us what happened and not ever wonder that maybe their reasons for not reaching out are completely valid?
It might hurt to hear this, but you need therapy. Everything you explained sounds like you are the problem and your poor husband has to suffer bc of your choices. It’s time to honestly take a look at yourself and make some necessary changes. The fact that your husband wants to repair his relationship with HIS FAMILY and you won’t even allow him the chance bc you don’t want to be alone with your kids says a lot about you. You are selfish and resentful and angry at the wrong people when you should be using that anger towards yourself and as motivation to change. People are allowed to change their minds in regards to their money. She didn’t rack up your debt, you both did. Do you want your kids to grow up blaming the world and being unhappy like you? Bc your kids will follow your example. Instead set the example for them by making the better choice and teaching them forgiveness and love.
Are you narcissist? Just go.
Are you 100% sure you’re not the toxic in law?