So my (22F) boyfriend (23M) and I have been together for a year and a half.
In the beginning of our relationship, we didn’t live together so he would take me on dates, to hotels and got me gifts for Valentine’s Day and my birthday. He also got me a surprise pair of pants once.
I also used to get him hand made paintings and gifts at the beginning, birthday gifts and would occasionally pay for dinner.
But, I noticed he doesn’t catch onto the things I like and do them. For instance, I asked for flowers and it took him one year to get me them after nagging him. I’ve showed him flowers I liked even at the beginning of our relationship. When he did get me flowers once unexpectedly, he was like “see I get you flowers when I can”. He said the reason he couldn’t as often was because he used to work (12 hrs a day) but when he has a chance he would. I said that their was flower delivery and he used that a couple times which was great to see.
So I asked him last week about doing a picnic for me. He said he thought my expectations were too high and I didn’t think he was good enough. He also said he didn’t like doing picnics and I guess romantic things but if I really wanted it, he would do it when he can. I just feel like it’s not going to happen for a long time
I do feel like both of our efforts have dwindled and I’m actively trying to work on my part but I don’t feel like he cares to even try.
Am I being crazy and having unrealistic expectations?
TL;DR I want my boyfriend to be more romantic and plan things like picnics. I truly feel like it would make me feel loved. But he says that my expectations for him are unrealistic and that he feels I think he’s not good enough. I’m also trying to work on my effort too because I know it’s dwindled but it discourages me when he says this. Am I being unrealistic and selfish?
3 comments
It seems to be a very common fallacy amongst younger men especially, to believe that the ‘treats’ like hotel stays, meals etc are only necessary to win over a person. And once you’ve ‘won’ you’re not required to put in any more effort whatsoever.
I can only surmise that this is his way of thinking now, if he had previously gone all out to treat you to things in the very early days of the relationship.
Are your expectations realistic? If all the effort on his part stopped as soon as you made it official, then you’re probably unrealistically expecting him to change back to the way he was when he was still trying to ‘win’ you.
If I didn’t know any better, it sounds like you two have a love language problem. He doesn’t understand yours and you may not understand his. You also have communication issues.
I’ve been married 27 years. Just yesterday, I took some time off in the middle of the day and took my wife to see a butterfly exhibit she’s been wanting to see. We then went and had lunch together before I got back to work. That is the kind of thing she appreciates and is something that helps keep us happy and together. She also likes flowers and since we’re in a position where I can afford them, I buy them for her regularly. She just tossed out the last bunch I got her so when I’m at Costco on Sunday, I’ll be picking up more for her. I do this because I understand what she needs to feel loved.
The trap a lot of couples fall into is that they assume that how they feel and express love is exactly how their partner feels and expresses love. That’s rarely true. Look up love language, take a couple quizzes, see if you can get your boyfriend to do the same.
Then start working on your communication. Learn how to talk to each other about relationship issues without it turning into a fight. Learn how to accept criticism without getting super defensive or angry about it. Be willing to take a deeper look at yourself and your behaviors when something is brought up. This is also how you determine whether or not you two are compatible because if he’s asking for changes that simply aren’t possible for you or you have issues with things that he would never change, then being able to recognize that and move on is important too.
The real question is. Why are you setting your standard so low??