I have been with my fiancé for 8 years. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements, and rocky situations but have always came out stronger than before. He is my best friend in the entire world.
Anyways, I don’t know what possessed me to do it but I googled his gamertag just to see what would come up, and found his reddit account under the same name. To say that I’m shocked about what I found is an understatement. I feel like I don’t even know who he is, like this entire almost a decade relationship has been a lie.
He has made so many disgusting comments. Sexist, misogynistic, racist, rude, and bullying comments. He was also commenting hate on a NSFW subreddit with women who have a similar body shape to myself. This is SO far from the way that he presents himself IRL. At first I wanted to believe it was a fluke and someone had the same username as him. However, this isn’t the case because he’s made specific comments about aspects of his life, our relationship etc. There was some bad comments about me too, and just blatant lies about our relationship.
I don’t know how to proceed with this, should I confront him? I don’t feel like I can continue to be in a relationship with someone that thinks/talks like this. But we have been together for so long, and he’s never been like this in person. He is a sweet, kind, and loving man. Could all of this really be a big, long lie?? I am so confused. I don’t understand why he would do this.
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\*Edit to correct spelling from can’t to can\*
35 comments
You can’t unknow it so I suppose you don’t have much choice but to tell him you saw it and go from there.
I’d definitely start with confrontation.
I imagine when you confront him with it he’ll show his true colors. Brace yourself for that.
Before you talk to him about this (because you will have to), prepare your most important belongings to be moved someplace else. Like stored at a family member’s or friend’s place just for the night.
In case of the worst case scenario, you can just run outside and not have to worry about coming back for anything else until later. I highly recommend you break up/confront him over the phone rather than in person. His comment history worries me.
Please make sure that you are safe before confronting him, maybe notify a friend or a family member, record the conversation of its legal in your state. People use the anonymity to just vent their random thoughts, they forget that people online are also real, I would be willing to believe that he got simply varied away, but just lying for attention and being sexist are red flags for sure
Welcome to the toxic world of Reddit. Where people are completely themselves because in real life they’re gutless. Here they can hide behind a screen and be their true narcissist, self centred, nasty selves.
Your partner is a POS who is too scared of getting a punch in the face so he hides it in real life.
I personally would not want to find out if he’s just waiting until you’re married or have kids for him to drop those walls around you.
Screenshots!! Before talking about it and he deletes the account!!
You could just ask a question like a post he commented on and see how he answers and if different, say that’s not what you posted.
I strongly believe that the way a person behaves when behind the shield of anonymity shows us the full extent of what they’re capable of and who they are. This is your fiance.
>Could all of this really be a big, long lie??
Possibly, lots of abusive men hide who they are until their victim is locked in and tied to them somehow (pregnant, married, etc.), and THEN their mask starts to slip
Although I’m not sure how you’ve been dating for *8 years* and not have any inkling of how he leans politically?
Surely you’ve gotten a sense of how he feels about gender, race, etc. issues with everything going on in the world? Or was he faking that as well?
Fiancé, so you’re not married?
Lucky you. Great time to break up and not look back.
You’re very young, so a great time to find a new partner, and enjoy the best years of your life with someone stable.
Honestly, you need to ask yourself if the confrontation is even worth it.
If you’ve already confirmed based on the information he posted about your relationship that it is really him, you could just as well sneak out and not be there when he comes home.
If you’re in a state that recognizes common-law, you can also apply for legal splitting of the assets 50/50, and if the finances are unbalanced, to receive alimony as well.
A reddit account is a kind of like a diary isnt it, all those thoughts are written down in different moods with less experiences. Ironically one of the easiest ways to get someone to change is to expose their past ideas to them which you can do with said diary. You can do that if you want because you likely want closure as well but in the end you should dump him and let him reflect on his diary. Do not make a mistake and stay, get away from someone who commented with hate and showed their worst ideas and emotions because that hate wont go away with you there and it will probably soon be directed at you.
>He is a sweet, kind, and loving man.
Only to your face.
Jeepers. Screen shot everything op!
Get your stuff packed. Have a great out plan.
Take him somewhere public and send him the screenshots.
When your out in public. It’s not for you to make a scene (but boy would I not blame you if you did) it more for your safety.
I remember listening to a show on NPR, Maybe This American Life, where an author who was harassed online actually reached out to one of her trolls after he wrote something particularly horrible. It shook him up, but he admitted that he had a different persona online. Does any of it feel like he is just responding to be cool? To be edgy?
If it feels genuine, then consider getting out. You can’t always know everyone’s thoughts, but if you can see their diary, you can see the truth.
People are getting really upset with me for snooping, but that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t google it for the specific reason of “finding something”. I was just curious of what would come up, and thought it would be something video game related (hence the gamertag) NOT this. I wouldn’t have been with him for so long if I didn’t trust him. Also, I do NOT regret doing it. Why don’t I deserve to see true colors?
I mean..he doesn’t sound very sweet and loving 😬 Sucks to find out this way, but at least you found out at all.
Curious to hear the update on this after you talk with him I wouldn’t deal with the relationship if he is doing and saying such things behind your back.
The sweet loving kind man is a mask. He is the misogynistic, racist, asshole you found on reddit.
There is nothing I’ve written on reddit that I wouldn’t say irl.
Honestly that’s scary. You don’t know him at all, he is a completely different person. I would really be careful around him, if you want to confront him please make sure you’re in a safe place because you don’t know when he will show his true colors. I dont have much advice other than move out ASAP if you live with him, don’t confront him first just make sure to get out without letting him know. You can talk to him in a public place or with some family/friends present. Good luck, OP. Remember to update us too.
Well, you were not snooping in his computer, so I think you can sit down and have a calm conversation about this.
I would print the worst things and ask him about it, starting with your relationship/you and the sexist comments. Try to choose the ones you are worried the most about so that you don’t go on tangents.
Believe that who he is behind a screen/when anonymous is who he truly is. Take screenshots of as much of it as you can and maybe even send it to someone else for back up.
Personally i would break up with him via phone, explain why, and disappear into the ether.
However, I get the feeling youll likely want to confront him out of your own appalled-ness. Maybe plot your escape beforehand and have a solid escape plan (maybe even a friend outside in the car and youve got your phone recording or its in a phone call with that friend outside in case they need to ring the doorbell or something). Men who show you one face and the rest of the world another are very very dangerous.
wow he was stupid enough to use his gamertag lol?
I found my bf’s Reddit once and it was full of him telling girls he wanted to fuck them on NSFW subs, he deleted it to “get rid of all the porn” and now has one I don’t know the username of 🙄
Anonymity has a way of revealing someone’s true self
There’s a quote from the legendary coach John Wooden that goes something like, “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” I don’t know if it’s apocryphal or not but that doesn’t really matter. It’s true.
If your fiance treats you well but treats other people badly, he’s not a good person. If your boyfriend does not show racism to you but does to other people, he is a racist. If your boyfriend does not show sexism to you but does to other people, he is a sexist. If your boyfriend does not bully you but bullies other people, he is a bully.
And if you tolerate that in your fiance then you are complicit.
Surely you know what to do.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But one thing you have to come to terms with is that this *is* who he is. He’s having these thoughts and he’s acting on them, even if only online.
A few years ago, I read a story about a woman who found out her husband “unwound” from work every night by going online and bullying teenage girls. She tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t. Because even if he didn’t act that way in real life – where someone could punch his lights out – it’s what brought him joy online. It was who he was.
Your fiancé is the same way. He may hide it in real life because he wants to avoid the repercussions of being that person and knows being that person is not socially acceptable. But make no mistake about it. That is who he is.
Please listen to the people in this thread and make sure you’re prepared to leave safely if you do decide to confront him. But there’s also no shame in deciding there’s nothing he could say that would make it okay or make it make sense and cut your losses without such a confrontation. Because is there anything he could say that would make you feel better or help you understand?
I think in your place, I’d make sure it’s actually him first.
You might think the concerns about your personal safety here are over the top but keep in mind – MANY domestic abuse scenarios magically manifest once married /pregnant/trapped.
Consider this your one warning. PLEASE don’t ignore this away.
Get screenshots with the gamer tags and keep them. If he tries to write a different narrative with people about why you broke up show them the truth.
The same exact thing happened to me recently. I found out my ex had been commenting disgusting things on porn posts for years, even before we started having issues in our relationship. I don’t really have advice except to lean on your friends and family for support. There’s a LOT more shit that is still going down with my ex, and friends/fam have been my lifeline. Dm me if you need to talk or want to share stories. Wish you the best ❤️
“Who are you when I’m not looking?”
There you go.
We all present our best selves on the market. After 8 years and he’s still hiding, run. RUN. RUN FASTER.
He’s not the man you thought he was. What you read online is who he really is. Sad but true. Read every single post a few more times before walking down the aisle.
Character is what people do when they think no one is looking.
He’s shown his. Believe him.
I agree with screenshots, and be honest about finding his account. Don’t hide anything. Be genuinely curious when you ask him if he really said those things. Don’t stereotype him immediately. Sometimes people just need places to vent, some guys go to work and vent to the other guys , sometimes you get online after a argument and say dumb stuff about other peoples problems because you want to avoid your own.
Let him know how his comments made you feel and give him a chance to apologize and explain. Don’t throw away what seems like a loving relationship because he said some hateful things online about other people he dosnt know.
He likely was saving that side of himself for after you guys were married …. Get out while you can