Hi everyone,
This might be an easy one, but my (32f) husband (31m) seems to not be able to make a decision about whether he wants kids or not. In the past year and a bit, I’ve made it clear that I do not want kids (adoption, biological, etc.). I keep asking him, and he says that I’m his first priority, but that he can’t make a decision whether he wants kids or not yet. What would you do? I’m worried that he will leave me eventually. We are currently in couples therapy but he refuses to make a decision.
Tldr; my husband can’t seem to make a decision whether he wants kids or not. I have decided I don’t want them and have communicated this very clearly. We need advice please. Thank you.
9 comments
communicate with him
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Ask him to read the book, The Baby Decision.
It’s good you’re in couple therapy, but amybe he needs some individual therapy to ehop him figure it out.
You may need to reiterate you do not and will not have kids, but then drop the topic. He may see it as you bring it up to often and actually want kids but saying you don’t to see if he says otherwise.
Tbh, if in the future he does decide he does want kids, he’d need to leave you, and have kids with someone like younger. Once a woman gets to be 35, we’re considered “advanced maternal age” and it’s not as easy to get pregnant, as well as certain birth defects become more likely. So drs will want testing and more appts/etc for “older” women.
i’m glad youre in therapy but i think you need to give him a timeline for his decision. the choice to have kids or not is pretty much the biggest hard-dealbreaker in a relationship since it’s not really an issue that can compromised on and its not fair for him to keep you in limbo for this major life decision. if he knows you absolutely dont want kids and he’s still waffling on whether he does or not, it sounds like hes might be leaning towards wanting children and is reluctant to tell you because he knows it would likely mean the end of your relationship. prepare yourself for an unfavorable outcome, but i hope it does end up working out.
Keep living your life because it’s out of your hands at this point.
You can’t make him make a decision, obviously, and couples therapy is a good space for him to work it out and for you to work it out together. You don’t need to make a decision at this time either, correct?
If not, you don’t want this discussion (and its ensuing tension) to consume the entire relationship because that would, in and of itself, be a reason to leave. Does that make sense? You’re doing all the right stuff and if you’re OK giving this some time, give it some time.
If you’re not OK with giving it time and are starting to doubt the relationship (which I would understand), this is something to raise in couple’s therapy (and perhaps individual therapy for yourself) because it may signal a fundamental incompatibility that may or may not be able to be worked through.
Leaving you is a possibility you might have to face (it’s just as likely he won’t leave you). He shouldn’t complain about not having kids (neither decision is wrong) because he picked a woman who does not want any. I empathise with both sides because I love kids (I see my nephew and babysit my little cousin whenever possible), but I do not want any.
Has the Big Brother program or other volunteer work with kids come up?
Does he have any niblings or little cousins he can spend time with?
If you’ve decided, you’ve decided. It’s ultimately your decision and if he is unsatisfied with your decision then he can take steps in the future. If you’re sure you want to remain childfree, he can either accept it or find another partner
Why would you marry someone who might want children if you are absolutely sure you don’t?