My ex-boyfriend (m18) is accusing me (f18) of assaulting him a few months ago while we were still dating. We have been broken up for a couple months now because we had a bunch of issues and he cheated on me.
So back in October 2021 we were still together and we were doing long distance and he was in town for a few days. The first night was great, I was exited to see him and we had really good sex. The next day he wasn’t feeling great. He especially said he didn’t want to do too much, especially things like face sitting as he was a bit stuffy. I said that’s fine, thanks for telling me.
Later we were alone in my car and he didn’t really want to have sex and I asked if it was okay if we just made out, he said that was fine and we moved to the back. Then after a while of making out he said he wanted to have sex after all, we did and it was the first time I orgasmed from sex and I thought it was really good. We cuddled and talked about our future together afterwards and everything seemed great to me. Maybe I was caught up in the moment and didn’t realize it, but he didn’t seem upset about anything and he didn’t say anything negative about it at all.
Fast-forward to now he’s saying I coerced him into it by trying to make out with him after he said he didn’t want to have sex, so I basically assaulted him. But I’m confused because he agreed to make out and then he told me he wanted to have sex. I would have been a bit disappointed to not have sex but I really would have been okay with it if he had communicated that. I told him I was sorry and it seemed like more of a communication problem, and I apologized that he felt like he couldn’t say no and stuff like that.
Then he apologized for the accusation and said he knows I only had good intentions. However, A few days later we had a bit of an argument and he said I raped him and I’m a terrible person. I understand how maybe he felt misunderstood at the time but this seems like a very serious allegation.
I feel so terrible and I don’t ever want to victim blame but its been a hard break up and it seems like his emotions may be messing up his memories. I feel like he’s trying to gaslight me. Do you think I’m in the wrong here? What should I do about these allegations?
4 comments
He’s the one who said he changed his mind and wanted sex. Seduction is not a form of sexual assault. You can still always say no. He got hot and bothered from making out with you, and wanted to fuck. You didn’t force anything on him. He initiated. You have nothing to worry about.
“he told me he wanted to have sex”
That negates any possibility of rape or assault by you unless anyone could believe that he felt threatened by the consequences of not asking you.
I mean unless he was trapped in your car and so he felt he had to do it to get home I don’t see why he couldn’t say no.
Otherwise this sounds like someone who did not want to have sex with you originally and gave in to it and now regrets not following through on their intention and blames you for their failings…or someone who is just gas lighting you.
My ex was actually a bit concerned that he’d assaulted/raped me due to a similar situation.
I was feeling a bit rough and not up to sex, so we just kissed and cuddled up for a while. In the proccess i got turned on and decided that i actually did want sex.. so it happened.
The next day he asked me if i was okay and if i’d properly consented – he was concerned because i’d said no earlier on.
I was surprised he asked tbh, because as far as i was concerned, what happened was just a natural consequence of getting turned on enough to change my mind.
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Your ex was the one that asked to have sex after kissing for a while – you didn’t put any pressure on him, you just enjoyed kissing eachother.
He wanted sex due to being turned on and into the kissing – same as i did.
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Sounds to me like he’s trying to find any way he can to somehow make you the bad guy for whatever reason.
I’m going to make an educated guess here that he’s DARVO’ing the fork out of you. What has he done and what is he trying to wriggle out of so he doesn’t look like the villain?
Did he cheat? act abusively?