I have observed that modt people i talk to like talking to me or we laugh and have a good time but thats it they necer approach me by themselves and i am the one who always starts talking to them…. I notice that it haopens and i stop goinh up to them cause i dont want to look too desperate and dont like that i am not wanted or needed and that they have other more imp friends and eventually stop talking. And then we only talk when one of us needs something..
This used to happen alot less but now almost all the new friends i have made in college dont need me or want to talk to me by themselves. I think i am fundamentally doing something wrong cause noone sticks around as a friend. Even when i made close friends they judt eventually stopped talking. At this point i am willing to completely change myself and be someone else because i think there is some thing fundamentally wrong that i do in making friends none of them ever need me . I am just someone who tells jokes or acts goofy . But its not like that i try to talk normally without jokes casual convos and serious deep convos too i just hate how i am always chasing or figuring things out while others just act wierd or rude and still make friends
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>But its not like that i try to talk normally without jokes casual convos and serious deep convos too
Ask something about people you’re talking to, like what food do they like?. Don’t make jokes constantly and have a normal conversation with little jokes in between and act like you’re a buisnessman talking to other buisnessman. I think you open up to others too fast and they think that its weird.
I know how you feel. It makes you more withdrawn so you don’t want to make people feel awkward and that puts them off even more. Its a terrible cycle. One I’m trapped in too.
Maybe look at how you may come across to people. E g do you sit away from people etc. People may be avoiding you because they think you want to avoid them. Are there any groups you can join to meet people?
I know how frustrating it is. I’m going to try to change my environment by changing jobs – hopefully I’ll get to start again with some new social relationships. Maybe you’re in the wrong environment or the environment and people within it aren’t bothered. I realised something has to change for myself and hopefully a new job will do that. Not sure about your situation but a change may do you some good
My five cents are: sometimes you gotta be the initiator and you better get comfortable with it. I used to think I was doing something wrong too, turned out I just made friends with a bunch of people who were even more introverted than me. They’re perfectly happy to hang out and grateful for my efforts, but if I didn’t reach out, the friendship could potentially fizzle out or become just a string of text messages. There is nothing wrong with being the more proactive one in a friendship, unless you feel they are using you or belittling your efforts.
I also noticed you talking about people not needing validation from you or not “needing” you. That’s actually good. Relationships based around the need for validation usually don’t survive long because people grow up and stop needing validation anyway. Best thing you can do is think “whom I could have the most fun with” instead of wondering “who needs to hear my opinion the most”.
Honestly, this isn’t to offend you but to motivate you. You might look like a nerd or geek. People are superficial, your personality might be top tier but your looks might be holding you back…This is assuming everything you’re doing socially is on point.
Are you always “just going with the flow” or do you also set boundaries with people?
For example, if someone brings up a topic that you have a particularly strong opinion in, are you always listening to the other or do you provide your perspective and actively disagree (politely and tactfully)?
Another example, if someone does something and it hurts your feelings or you didn’t like something, do you speak up and let them know?
I ask because you bring up validation and others wanting you. The reality is that people will want something if they can understand it. Think of your boundaries as an extension of your personality, opinions, and characteristics. If you’re not showcasing the world who you truly are, then people will not ever seek you out because they don’t know what to seek you out for – you’re amorphous.
Now, if you were to set these boundaries, you must realize that some people may not gel with you and vice versa. You must also realize that this is perfectly okay and that you will also fundamentally get a long with others because they also know who and what you are. They will then seek out your opinions and your friendship.
My advice, if this is you, then start showing the world your interests and opinions. If you want others to seek you out then you must also be vulnerable enough to potentially not be liked for you who are.
I am a super introvert person…I cannot say enough how grateful I am to those who initiate the small talk first. Say me and my flatmates are in the kitchen together, but somehow I don’t know how to start a convo, one of my flatmates is extremely nice, he often starts the talk and I appreciate that. Another flatmate, on the other hand, always keeps quiet and never bothers to start a talk. I don’t blame him because I think he just does not want to ‘force’ me to talk. But I do appreciate the one who try to reach out although I never tell him explicitly about my inner gratitude. So to sum up, just go to be you, they might feel happy inside but just didn’t tell you. After all, it is a bit weird to say directly to you ‘Thank you for talking to me…’ At the end of the day, I guess what you feel is the most important thing. If you feel nice talking to other people, keep doing so, ignore what others think and do. It is unlikely to tell their thoughts from their behaviours, so why bother 🙂
This question is really Individually – it really is about your appareance and your life. Are you happy ? Are you insecure ? How are the Challenges in your life going on? Are you trapped ?
Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite/connect with you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite/connect with you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing or are passionate for and keep doing it overtime. Find groups in your area who are also pursuing the same thing. Chase excellence, not people.