TLDR: my best friend of many years wants to talk constantly on the phone. I explained to her many times that I have a very demanding schedule and don’t have the time and sometimes simply not the will. She seems to have blocked me on Friday after she sent me a text for not calling her back and I reacted with an annoyed emoji. although we had already spoken that day and I went on to work the rest of the day. I don’t know if I should reach out or let it be.
This is very long, apologies, I just want you to have context.
My friend and I have been very close/best friends for 7+ years. I just want to make clear that I love her a lot and that we have awesome times together, but as most friendships, it’s not perfect.
My friend grew up in a very toxic and unhealthy environment as a child/teenager, and while she doesn’t harbour her family‘s negativity, she did develop unhealthy attachment patterns.
We met in high-school and she has always had a strong fixation on me as a friend. She puts me on a pedestal and also acts quite codependent at times.
After high school I moved to a different country, so I live in a big city and she still lives in our home city. We have stayed in touch over the years with varying degrees of contact (although always high).
We are generally very much the opposite of each other. She’s more introverted, struggles making new friends/doesn’t easily feel comfortable around others, and lives a quiet life with her pets. I on the other hand am super extroverted, have many friends and acquaintances, love going out every day or travel, and I work pretty much every day.
Due to her upbringing she focuses a lot on her friendships. She had a few falling-outs over the years and now I am pretty much her only friend, and I am overseas, mind you.
She considers me her very best friend/soulmate and while she is one of my best friends as well, I definitely don’t view her as she views me. That sounds bad, but she truly views me on another level and has always tried to strive for a symbiotic relationship, which I absolutely don’t want, with anyone. Quite frankly, I feel suffocated by her often times and this is the root of most our conflicts.
She has this constant need for communication and while I know this is due to her not having many other friends, nor many hobbies etc., and I sympathize with her, I cannot bear it. If it was up to her we would talk 24/7 on the phone. During lockdown we pretty much did because there wasn’t anything else to do, but now my life is back to normal and I’m working 5 days a week for 12 hours and on top of it juggle all my other friendships and goals in the city I live in.
Last year I had to set a boundary and took a step back from her when our constant communication developed this expectation of me that I am always available or that I should always pick up the phone. We would talk hours on the phone on any given day and she would call me just for the sake of it even if she had nothing to say. If I didn’t pick up, she would call me 5 times in a row and then send me angry messages being like “can you pick ?!?” / “why are you not picking up” / “seriously pick up” / „are you serious?!“ etc.
This was seriously suffocating and I explained to her that if I don’t pick up it’s either because I am a) not available (sleeping, working, with another friend, at dinner etc) or b) don’t feel like talking.
This would happen even after we already spoke for 3 hours that day.
She would always say „well, then just tell me when/why you aren’t available“ which quite honestly pisses me off too cause I don’t understand why I need to justify to anyone why I’m not picking up the phone, unless it’s for more than a few days.
I know people have different need for communication and while I can go days without talking to my friends, she wants to talk to me every day. If I’m not available she wants me to let her know before. I don’t think that’s necessary unless I plan on being MIA for more than 3/4 days. But if I wake up on a Monday with a busy schedule, I don’t want to have to tell anyone „hey sorry won’t have time, call you tomorrow“, especially not a friend. That’s the other thing – she always makes me feel like I am her boyfriend.
So many times when she terror-called me multiple times I was legitimately sleeping, only to wake up to angry messages as to why I am not picking up and how rude I am. I told her that those messages do nothing to me other than not wanting to call her at all. She calmed down on the mass-calling, but I still get these messages when I don’t call/text back.
A month ago she visited me for 5 days. I was super busy (as I always am). I told her this in advance. I was working my last week of notice from my old job, while also starting my new job. I worked 9AM to 3.30pm at the old job and 4pm to 3AM at the new job. Ive never been this exhausted. She didn’t see much of me except for the Sunday when I was off and spent it with her doing sightseeing and the Friday before when I took her with me to work, although she had to entertain herself as I was working.
I only work one job now but I still work around 55 hours a week.
Given that she saw it firsthand, I hoped she finally understood that I am actually busy and not just pretending to be whenever I don’t call/pick up. Nope.
To come to the point, last Friday (3 days ago) she called me around 1pm, I picked up (still in bed) and we spoke briefly. I then said I need to shower as I need to get ready for work and to speak after. I showered much longer though and afterwards went straight to work. She called me 2 times as I was on the subway (I didn’t pick up). I got into work and she messaged „call me back, it’s important“
Note: I know everyone gets to decide what is important to them, but she often asks me to call her as it’s „important“ and they end up being things that are quite literally not. Like „I just saw a girl and she had a bag that I think you’d like“ or „my boss texted me even though it’s my day off and now I’m pissed“ or „I just spoke to a homeless man and now I am upset“ (sure, if something affects you emotionally it’s important to talk about it but to me these aren’t „emergency, drop everything and call me back asap“ kind of important)
I also know that she sometimes does this just to get me on the phone with her. I normally do call her when she asks me to but end up cutting the call short as whatever was „important“ really isn’t and I feel manipulated.
Anyway – Friday – we talk for a bit, I shower, she says call me it’s important, I don’t call her, I get into work at 3pm, I work until 3AM, home at 4AM and I sleep until 3pm on Saturday. I wake up to a (sarcastic) message from her saying „thank you very much“ (to me not having called her). This just releases the typical annoyance in me. Even after she saw my crazy and demanding working hours, she still seems to think I just sit around watching a movie and dodging her calls. I had about a 15 minute window to call her between my travel to work and getting into work. We already spoke that day and I quite literally didn’t want to as I already have no time to myself. I worked 12 hours and then I slept most of Saturday morning/noon. She seems to wake up thinking I’m ignoring here while drinking matcha latte and eating rainbow cake.
I didn’t have the nerve to send another paragraph explaining what I already have many times before, so I simply responded „:/„ and by that I meant „we’ve had this discussion a million times, aka – if I don’t pick up or call it’s because I’m not available”.
I went on the chat earlier on WhatsApp and it seems she blocked me? I don’t actually think she did but she definitely wants me to think she did (her profile picture and status are gone).
I don’t know if I should call her cause I don’t really want to give into her antics, but I also know that if I don’t attempt to contact her she will see this as a „oh you’re proving that you don’t care“ thing.
I do care about her but I don’t care about whatever she is trying to achieve with this. I find it ridiculous and annoying.
Sure, I definitely am no angel and I do forget to call her sometimes, or I don’t want to etc. I also know she „just“ wants me to communicate to her whenever I am not available, which I do some times, but I don’t want to create that expectation as I am not willing to fulfill it for every missed call I have from her.
Thoughts?
6 comments
I had a friend exactly like this. Same need for constant communication, emotional blackmail if I set boundaries. I was dreading looking at my phone. I finally cut her off last year and never regretted it since. I still think about her sometimes and did feel guilty in the beginning, but it has been so freeing.
She’s using you. She has issues from childhood that have not been worked through and she’s using you to make herself “feel” better. She needs to seek therapy for this behavior and she needs to know that you are not a “fix”.
I skimmed all that but why are you playing along with all that drama?
You’re not her on-call therapist, so why are you acting like one?
And is this the same friend you called an “ignorant racist”?
I went through a similar situation recently with my best friend of 7+ years. I was pretty much her only close friend (and definitely the only one she talks to about many things). We would talk all the time and during covid we talked even more. I ended up getting very sick (autoimmune issues) and it got to the point that I barely had energy to talk to anyone. She was having a hard time mentally and I told her I didn’t have the capacity to be there for her the way she needed and she really needed to go back to therapy. I said this many different ways, as gently as possible, over the span of about 6 months. It finally reached the point that she was getting mad at me for telling her “I don’t have the energy for this right now, can we talk later?” and told me it was triggering for her to “feel unheard”. That was it for me. The first month or so was really hard bc I do love her very much but let me tell you…the relief I feel now months later being free from such a codependent relationship has been very much worth it. I miss her a lot but the unfortunate reality is that she was not willing to get help for her issues, and the stress of constantly having my boundaries disrespected (and having to hear some pretty heavy stuff from her) was making me even more sick. I hope that she will get the help she needs but I had to accept that nothing I said or did was going to get her there.
TL;DR Your friends issues are hers to deal with. Firmly but lovingly tell her that she needs to find a professional to speak with and you do not have the capacity to be there for her how she needs. If she won’t listen, do both of yourselves a favor and cut her off. It may be the push she needs to finally change her ways, but most importantly, you deserve peace and calm.
She’s an emotional vampire. Get out the garlic!
You can feel bad for her past trauma and that is human. It is also unfortunate what has happened to her. But, she is not seeking professional help to successfully deal with this and she is dumping the by-product of her trauma on you. She is only thinking about herself and not the consequences of her behaviour on others.
I am sure you have read this gnome on Reddit before and it is applicable with your relationship with her now, “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’. The fire will eventually burn out of you and these people with just look for someone else to keep them warm, without learning how to do it themselves.
She needs professional help, help that you are not qualified to give due to lack of education and experience at that level. She obviously doesn’t know how to help herself as she would have. Give her this message and tell her when she seeks therapy, buys into it, and starts to heal, you will be open to continuing the relationship. But for now, she has drained you of your life source.