How do you spot a toxic person?

33 comments

1. Always playing the victim and blaming others for everything that goes wrong in their lives

2. Female here….but often it takes awhile to pick up on. Their behavior can be subtle and is often veiled in positivity.

   Do you think you’re dealing with a toxic person?

3. Use a Geiger counter?

4. Usually I’ll spot you first

5. Two-faced. All smiles and positivity, until the mask falls off and you see their real, shitty personality.

6. The way they treat other people is always a good sign. Just note how they talk and act with other people. Especially their family.

7. If you feel better once when that person leaves. Both physically and mentally. In some cases you will feel almost euphoric.

8. Normally they look Green or Blue. So you can easily spot them.

9. For me it’s someone I never really feel relaxed around.

   When they’re unpredictable, in a negative way, you never know what version of them you’re going to get and it puts you on edge, feeling like you can’t enjoy being yourself without risking mockery/punishment in one form or another.

   There’s a ton of specific things I could say but I think the biggest thing is feeling a lack of comfort in their company, even if you find them very exciting/attractive in other ways.

   Wasn’t until I left a few long standing toxic relationships that I started being able to recognise it though and it has had long term negative effects on my general enthusiasm for people and life generally.

   Know what you’re about, what you’re compatible with, trust your instincts and don’t feel bad about having boundaries with people. Better to be thought of as selfish than let the wrong person in and have your self-esteem ground to dust.

10. See how they handle stress.

11. Pay attention to how they talk about other people in their lives (friends, coworkers, strangers, etc). If their comments lean on the negative side most the time.. run.

12. Everyone is different. But I did spent 5 years of my life being a really close friend to someone toxic. So I know a lot about this guy and what made him toxic.

    He would push boundaries. Walking on the line without ever crossing it. He would slowly up the bar on what is acceptable without you noticing.

    Things like banter not stoping when you tell him to.

    Him being an egoist but who will sometime do a small gesture and you’ll think he is nice but it’s really not much and you’re just so used to him being egoist that it seems he made a big thing for you.

    He’ll always make sure you know when he does something nice and he will make sure you remember what he did. He will make it sound like it was a big thing. When really it was not.

    And it will be a pretext to try to make you do things for him. “I did that for you, now it’s your turn”

    Except you did way more for him, but you don’t keep in mind everything because you did it not expect something in return.

    He will tell you “what did you do ? I did that and that and that”. And try to make you feel bad to accept what he ask. But with the cover of banter in case you confront him. In fact you almost never will confront him when you should. Because you feel like it’s a friend and it would be disrespectfull. You will always be in his game with his rules. And you will not beat him at his game. He played it all his life.

    If you do confront him. It will leads no where. He will not even read if you write him a big wall of text about something. But he will notice he was too close to the limit and calm down a little. So you’ll think he does in fact cares. No he is just waiting to have raised the bar enough to continue doing what he want without consequences. He does not like to deal with consequences for his actions.

    He doesn’t want to change. Doesn’t want to admit doing wrong and never mean his excuses.

    You’ll accept things you do not with other people because “It’s just who he is”

    You never really know what he really think. Or who he truly is. In fact you do know. You just don’t want to accept being close to someone like that. You prefer to bury your head in the sand. You obviously don’t realise this. And he is not really giving you proof. When he will it’s to late and you wished you cut him out of your life before.

    He never talks badly in someone back. And he make sure everyone knows it. You would think it’s a good thing about him but really it’s because he doesn’t want people to talk behind his back. Because he don’t want people supporting each other and realising who he is.

    He has no moral. Will fuck with engaged people and will brag about it.

    A lot of people will seem to have had a problem with him. You don’t know much about his friends or family. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t really know how he did, but I choosed his “side” multiple times when I should not have. Without having the conviction that he convinced me. I was thinking it was my own choice and that I was not influenced. It’s hard to see. He is really smart in a social context. He won’t make mistake when the rightfull party sometime will.
    If you have any doubt about this person. Do not feel bad to talk a lot with the people he had a problem with. You’ll think that it’s a lack of respect and you should not. That it doesn’t concern you. But it’s really only benefecting him.

    He’ll have some anger issue.

    You tell yourself “he would not go that far, he must have limits”. No he has not and he probably already did what you fear.

    There will be a lot of contradiction with what he does and what he say.

    He will always tell that he hate manipulating people and never does it and even will give you convincing exemple of avoiding manipulation when he could have. Yet you’re under the impression that he does in fact manipulate people all the time. You just don’t have “proof”.

    Same thing with having things to hide. He will tell he always answer questions. Yet often time you ask him a question and does not get an answer. You’ll see that he does not want to answer and respect his choice.

    He’ll mask a lot of things with humor. It’s always an excuses for what he does.

    You’ll make excuse for who he is.

    He does not treat you the way he expect to be treated.

    He is really good with words. He is charismatic, witty and funny.

    He tries hard to never gives “ammo” against him. Like he would avoid lying in case you can found out and will skillfuly avoid the questions you ask instead.

    He does it frequently even when he does in fact have nothing to hide sometimes. You wont know when he act differently. “It’s just who he is”

    And he will make you feel bad if you did inquire on something. But again with the cover of banter.

    He will have multiple “personnalities” he will not act the same way with his friends, his coworkers or a girl he wants to fuck. Like a complete different person. And he will just laugh about that. He will tell you that the “real” him is when he is with friends (well if you’re a friend of him I guess). But no it’s just another mask. He doesn’t show his true self to anyone.

    Tl;dr : jokes are not an excuse to say shitty things and you should never excuse it. If something should not have been told. It should not have been told “as a joke” either.

13. The more any person claims to possess or not possess certain attributes, the higher the likelihood of the reverse being true. That’s a maxim I’ve found to be true throughout my life.

    So if someone claims they’re super generous, they’re likely a tightwad. If they say they’re tolerant and open, they’re bigoted. And so on.

    Talk to potential friends and partners, then listen what they tell you – and even more, what they show you. You’ll know.

14. The (strange) hair color is usually a good indicator

15. There a lot of toxic person you simply don’t spot and have no clue on how toxic and dangerous they can be until you are seriously attached to them and have your judgment diminished by their subtle gaslighting.

16. In a romantic context ask about their previous relationships. My ex partner who abused me completely internalised his previous girlfriends rejection of intimacy without ever talking to her about it. Showed an inability to communicate and an entitlement to intimacy. I ignored it and he later assaulted me. How they frame issues from previous relationships is very telling

17. Geiger counter

18. They have squiggly green lines coming oof of them. Or that could also mean they just farted

19. I think a toxic person is a lot like a form of addiction for some. You are not well when with them, suffer a form of withdrawals when away from them. You know you should get away but something sucks you back in.

20. Their attitude, knowledge and speech.

21. Self absorption. If they do most/all of the talking. Also, if their voice is louder than anyone else’s as they do so.

22. For a lot of people: self-reflection. No one ever considers that they’re the toxic one.

23. If they are there only when they want you to be, then you should better be out before they dump you.

24. There are lots of verbal and body language cues, but they aren’t 100% reliable. Also I wouldn’t go around just thinking people are toxic because of these particular behaviors.

    Conversation hijaking- usually interrupt a conversation to talk about themselves, also if directly in conversation, will make it about themselves.

    rude to others, belittles people, always making derogatory comments about people

    drama magnet – always involving themselves in other peoples drama, if none exist they will make it

    egomaniac- especially when it comes to people they now or things they have done (this person will always one up you)

    manipulative – use sex, emotion, and generally will express their sadness or disappointment because you don’t want to do something with them / for them

    short fuse – get mad over little shit all the time and it’s always another persons fault

    Body language is a bit different and it’s a tough read but in men you can see dominate behavior. They like to splay their legs and arms, stand in doorways or in front of exits, or find ways to “corner” people. In women it’s usually emotional conveyance like crying, acting scared or shocked (covering the suprasternal notch), or being overly clingy.

25. I feel like you’re asking things like “if they wear a yellow shirt, run girl!”

    there’s no minority report on toxicity and people are good at hiding the trait early on. All you can do is give people the benefit of the doubt, take your time getting to know people, and don’t put yourself in situations where you’re trapped with someone if things go south.

26. They use certain phrases like “cis”, “patriarchy” “toxic masculinity” “heteronormativity”and “male privelige” is always a dead give away

27. They get angry when you don’t meet their expectations, but they also get angry if you try to communicate your expectations or disappointment.

    Also the words “I was joking” as an excuse for anything wrong they say or do.

28. They act like certain things you do are an inconvenience to them

29. Some toxic people are obvious early on, but others can hide their nature for a while. Toxic people often try really hard to appear as if they’re the exact opposite of what they are. A greedy person will make great efforts to appear as a generous and charitable person. A chronic liar will make great efforts to convince you that they value honesty and integrity.

    IMO, the best advice on toxic people is to just remember that they can hide their true selves for a while, and not rely too much on first impressions.

30. The toxic person shows no real remorse when hurting someone else.

31. They use their looks as the basis of their personality.

32. They use lots of manipulation. Only cares about self – has no empathy. Doesn’t respect your desires or boundaries.

33. They radiate green.