I am part of a five person friend group (two male, three female, ages 27-33). We met through travel nursing and have become extremely close in the year we’ve known each other.
We have one friend (29F) who has low self-worth and esteem, and is constantly choosing bad guys to date. For the last two months, she has been seeing this guy who has really gone off the rails in the last two weeks. We thought he was finally the nice guy she deserved, but we’re all being proven wrong.
In the last two weeks, he has gotten horribly drunk at our gatherings and caused major issues. He is physically possessive of her sober, but he was physically separating her within the group and at one point, came up to her and **grabbed her violently by the throat**. She didn’t react either way so we didn’t know what to do in our stunned state. By 7pm, he was being strong armed out of the bar by two people and my boyfriend had to help him into an Uber because he was actively throwing up and an aspiration risk.
On the Fourth of July, he got drunk at our friends house, and got confrontational with my boyfriend for telling him to shut the patio door. I’m talking spitting profanities and squaring off with my boyfriend. I thought I was gonna have to get in the middle of it. I was later told in the group chat that he **urinated in her laundry basket** on her clothes because “he got so drunk”.
He acts the title of boyfriend but won’t commit to her. She’s attempted to have multiple conversations about it, and he’s given her weird explanations, such as “not believing in commitment based on Latin roots of words” such as wife, marriage, etc. He has explicitly told her not to call him a boyfriend, but “man friend”. It’s so bizarre.
My dilemma is this: because of the recent behavior, I’m starting to get worried for her future safety. The group has attempted multiple times to have a conversation about this. She’s receptive and will engage in a conversation but justifies all behaviors.
My boyfriend has expressed not wanting to hang out with the group while he’s around. I can’t blame him. But this isn’t a simple issue of not liking the guy- we’re genuinely worried about her and our safety. Hers because she’s the partner, ours because we could get hurt defending her. I really think this is the start of something potentially very dangerous and she just doesn’t get it. How do you help someone who is this desperate to be in a relationship? How do you forgive yourself if she gets hurt?
I don’t know what to do. Intervention? Make her choose between us and him? Say nothing at all and just pull back from the group until hopefully they break up? I’ve never been in this situation before. Any and all advice would be so appreciated.
1 comment
Please don’t isolate her or make her choose – that way she will be out of options to get help or get away from her partner. She needs you all right now.
Find a good opportunity to talk to her alone.
Voice your concerns and back them up with data.
Domestic violence is widespread, and usually grabbing someone by their throat is the late stage of domestic abuse, and a warning sign for a femicide that might occur in the future. The victims usually don’t realise this soon enough, and it’s all the “he would never hurt me” or “he will change” stuff, while things get more dangerous.
Give her access to help lines and support organisations for victims of domestic abuse.
If she is willing to talk to them for basic information, go with her to show your support.
She should be rather secretive about those help lines or organisations. Don’t keep the numbers, flyers or anything around for him to find. Clearing browser search data is a must.