(TLDR at bottom save the long read if you would like)
Hey.. college student of 2 years here, going on to my Junior year next semester. I’m no social blossom and I don’t really go to parties, don’t drink smoke or do drugs so I’m not really too great of a fit in those environments but I hang out with some friends. I ended up having a sort of sexual encounter but it ended up being really traumatizing. Not because it wasn’t fun but because I was used to cheat on someone without knowing… and it wasn’t entirely consensual. It was more thrown on me and I didn’t have the time to process it.
I have always had anxiety, and I grew up in a great home but horrible social environment. I dealt with hell socially in the real world and online, got traumatized in my early teen years and repeatedly had problems. It kind of fucked me up but turned me into someone I’m very happy being (emotional intelligence!). I’m a pretty soft and gentle person, feminine even. My looks don’t fit it (I’m 6′ 1″, stocky, dark features, deep voice but I’m soft spoken and shy). My characteristics have made it hard to really be able to get.. laid.. especially since in high school I turned down the one time I had a healthy opportunity from a great friend of mine thanks to my parents horrible advice on sexual experience (always turn it down, made me think I’d be jailed and have my life ruined and be punished horribly by them if I ever did that, as a disgrace)… So that led to some issues for me, I had abusive relationships too.. I’ll save you anymore details its a shitstorm, I’ve become a bottomed out, further shy, feminine person because of it and because it ties with my gentle nature (or so I believe, I think I would’ve turned out like this regardless, minus the sexual anxiety from the sexual trauma).
I’m not a sexually assertive person, so whoever I end up with in the future, regardless of relationship status with said individual, I’m worried about if they’re going to use me again. I’m scared of the idea of sex, I usually would be the person pleasuring them but I just have these images of what she had put me through. What at first seemed like a nice experience then very quickly after, as I processed it, borderline rape. No penetration or touching of too much of my body thankfully.. but it really got worse when she told me she was using me as an outlet to cheat on her (at the time, not ex).
I’m worried that my next sexual experience will cause me to just get scared and be unable to pursue, out of fear of being used again especially without consent, for something fucked up. I worry that most partners that’d end up coming my way wouldn’t be understanding. I can’t tell them to be gentle and explain my anxiety that’d turn them off but I don’t want to be hurt here… I’m terrified honestly I feel worried for any possible sexual experience that may come up. I cant assert myself I don’t feel comfortable, and I’m happy being ‘submissive’ as its defined I would be more than happy to please my partner and not receive much as long as we’re both happy and consenting… But i’m scared of that step..
TLDR: How do I explain to a future sexual partner about my experiences and anxiety towards sexual interaction without turning them off? Or simply how do I find someone who is gentle and sweet that wont use or hurt me for their own pleasure without my consent. (Sexual trauma + anxiety). How do I ensure that a dominant partner will be gentle at least initially so I know that I will not be harmed again, so I can begin to feel trusting of them in that situation.
thank you kindly for taking the time to read this if you have, I don’t have anyone to talk with this about <3
3 comments
Wow that’s a lot. Take time to process it and just try to have fun
From what I’ve read I guess an older partner would be better as they can be more understanding and tolerabel. That or find someone that is nice and understanding.
By all means you should be careful and maybe do some research on the person and have a dating phase before sex. If they just want to cheat on someone chances are they don’t want to wait for that experience and would lose interest quickly…
GL
Hey, first of all you seem like a cool person and like you’re doing some good work to try and move through some really challenging times. I think my overall advice, which may feel really frustrating, is that your best shot at a really good experience is to try therapy/discuss with your therapist your anxieties so you can really sort out some of the stuff you’re carrying here.
I’m going to suggest some other practical things and you can take it or leave it.
Have you considered hiring a sex worker? With a sex worker you have a guarantee about boundaries. You set very specific and clear expectations with them from the beginning, you can research the person and probably have a very nice and calming conversation with them before hand and they’ll be a professional. I’m not sure of legality in your area so of course be safe.
Otherwise, I suggest finding ways for you to become very comfortable in your body. Maybe you do this if so ignore if so. But anything is good, do yoga or take up a sport or even just stretch every morning, learn how dance anything. Better yet try and masturbate a lot and really enjoy it. It might sound silly but for many people with sexual trauma or abusive people in our lives (I know from personal experience) you lose contact with your body and instead become a sort of over-active mind in a flesh robot. Become comfortable with your body and you’ll find it much easier to put boundaries down to protect it.
And finally. In the heat of the moment, if you find yourself at a point where you may have sex, remind yourself that it’s a good thing to talk boundaries before hand. Ask the questions, check the boundaries, do whatever you need to do to feel safe even if you’re worried it may kill the mood. If the mood can be killed by you needing to feel safe then you shouldn’t have sex with that person. It’s a foolproof way to weed out the people you’re afraid of!
The answer is you can’t.
You can’t “ensure” any of these things. Your future partner may or may not be understanding of your situation. He/She may not be gentle. He/She may take advantage of you.
If you’re seeking guarantees, there are none. It’s a rather selfish view of things that you demand all these things from your future partner and having such high demands will make it more difficult to land someone.
But I sympathize with you. It must have been difficult to deal with all these things. However, I also must tell you that looking for assurances and guarantees will likely result in disappointment.
You should first lower down your expectations a bit. I know you’ve had it rough. But perhaps you should think of sex as a vacation. Not every one will turn out well. But that also shouldn’t stop you from going on trips. It’s an adventure. Shit may happen. But it’s all part of your growth as a person.
So you had a bad experience. Sorry about that. However, the only way to find a good one is to go again. Don’t be afraid. Just go for it. Of course, go with people you get to know well enough first, but don’t approach potential partners with that scared mindset. They’ll just be repelled.
Instead, approach with self confidence and your odds of success will increase. Treat every new person as a separate entity. If a past relationship was bad, that’s not the future relationship’s fault. Give him/her a fair chance. If it doesn’t work, try again. You can’t lose anything by trying.
On the other hand, being in a corner and never trying out of fear? The result is absolutely nothing.