Good evening everyone!
First time posting in here but wanted to get everyone’s opinions. I started talking to this woman, I’ll call her “Kylie”, a few weeks back. I’m a 35 year old male, and she a 36 year old female. We instantly hit it off over messages on bumble, and decided a week later to meet for dinner. We had a great time together, went for dinner, a drink and some bingo, but ended up skipping the bingo after enjoying talking so much. Night ended, walked her to her car, and she asked me to go grab a drink and dancing with her the very next night.
We went out for a drink and dancing this past Friday night, had an absolute blast together, and it was clear through our conversations we had a lot in common and could be very compatible. Same thing, night ended, and we ended up making out a bit as we said our goodnights.
A few days later, this past Monday, Kylie asked if I wanted to go walk with her in the park. I agreed and we met at 6, walked around for a bit while holding hands and had some deep conversations. Same thing as Friday, make out and goodnight.
Fast forward to today, her and I messaged part of the day, to the point where she said she was having a really bad day, and asked if she could come by my place after work for a hug. She came by about 6 this evening and we sat on my couch chatting a bit, next thing I knew we were in my bed doing the deed and having a great time. Afterwards, Kylie and I were chatting and she brought up the “what are we?” conversation.
I told her that Ive been enjoying the flow of things and I’d like to see where things go with us, and that I’ve been enjoying having fun and getting to know her. She was pretty upset, and thought I wanted more. I told her that I want to take my time with her before putting titles on things, just because I’ve gotten burned in the past by jumping into relationships too quickly, and that I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. We chatted a bit more about the subject before she got up and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her while we were kinda mid conversation.
She came back out and we watched some TV together, sometimes cuddling sometimes not, but still seemed upset the rest of the night and the vibe was very very weird. When she left it seemed very abruptly, but I also was not going to stand in her way or play 20 questions.
Was I wrong for telling her I didn’t want titles just yet and I wanted to take my time getting to know her more before we do that? I tried my best to convey my message but didn’t want to be pushy or overbearing on the subject. I felt if she liked me enough and that she respected and valued my opinion enough she’ll stick it out in hopes of something forming between us. But I feel that society is very much like professional sports these days and is a “win now or you’re fired” mentality.
As the title says, am I in the wrong here? Or was she?
3 comments
No, you’re merely establishing a boundary, which is healthy. You shouldn’t have to define things on her schedule. If she can’t be flexible, just tell her to suck it the long way.
She got ahead of herself in her mind and you were right to push back and maintain sanity.
You guys *just* met. It wasn’t reasonable of her to expect you to say you’re 100% commuted after only a few hangouts.
But like I said, I think she just really likes you and had spun a fantasy in her head that you’re already boyfriend and girlfriend. It was wishful thinking that made her ask that question, and if she’s a generally sane and reasonable person, she’ll realize that and be able to continue on this path with you.
Keep in mind that some women feel particularly vulnerable after sex (especially good sex), and that may have also contributed to her reaction; i.e., she may have felt more rejected and embarrassed than she otherwise would, because of that post-sex vulnerability.
Try to be extra nice, complimentary, etc in your next interactions. Make sure she knows you really like her and are *hoping* this has some staying power.
She feels used.
Honestly, if she was going to get that upset she should have asked you first.