I see posts like this sometimes on what I like to call the sister sub of this, r/AskWomenOver30 and not much here. So I thought I'd be the change I want to see in the world lol.
Pretty much what I said in the title. I am starting my first big girl job soon and leaving academia, so I was curious to see what y'all would like someone like me to know. Can be about the professional field, dating, friendships or just adult life in general. I've been lurking and I see a lot of maturity and wise answers in this sub, so I'd love to read everyone's takes 🙂
I think I'm a bit too naive sometimes since I've been lucky enough to have mostly positive experiences in my life. I also just want to learn more from others and to become more empathetic. Men under 30 are free to answer as well if you want and if the mods will allow.
32 comments
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Same thing I would tell a man in his 20s: It’s about to speed up – a lot. You’ll be 30 tomorrow and 50 next week. Plan accordingly.
The relationship your parents had and the relationship you had with your father will profoundly affect the relationships you have with men. Your parents not appreciating you for being you will lead you to seek validation elsewhere. You’re just more susceptible to players and womanizers who too easily say I love you. This goes both ways for young men and young women.
We’re people too.
Know that some of us have a battle that we aren’t able to share.
We men are trying to survive and we can be empathetic.
Some of us are truly conscientious of women’s space and safety.
I appreciate you asking. I have to add, I had to leave r/AskWomenOver30 because they assume weird shit about sex workers. My little mini baby rant.
Ironically this sub is more welcoming to different perspectives of all genders.
We have three sons in their late 20’s to early 30’s and what they would say now is guys in their early 20’s are often not quite cooked yet. It is just biological to a certain extent. They can be rude, self absorbed, and often make some poor decisions. Some of this is on the instability in careers and lack of value in their education choices, so they are struggling. So, be patient with them. Most, by late 20’s, most have at least a plan for where they are going and they start making more mature decisions.
Prior generations, going back 80 years, men were thrust into maturing situations of working on a farm, going to war, or working in industrial plants at a young age. Most parents didn’t want their kids to have to go through this, but it also delayed their maturity.
young women need to know how to reflect on their own expectations.
what do you love about your man now?
what is the man actively doing in a two step forward one step back way to be a better person
what is deeply part of their temperament that they truly struggle to change but you can accept and forgive
what do you feel, at an emotional level is missing from this person.
then ask exactly the same questions about yourself!
Some of this is old school, but I think some of this is still valid.
Women:
If you think you are being subtle, you are being incomprehensible.
If you think you are being blunt, you are being subtle.
If you want a man to understand what you’re saying, be extra blunt, polite but emphatic.
You will be run over in conversations, you will be interrupted, your suggestions will be dismissed, even if they are later followed. Claim credit, negotiate salary, and advocate for yourself.
Network with men and women alike, remember that anyone you step on on the way up will be there when you’re on your way down, to either defend you or to help you stumble.
Men can feel a lot of pressure. Contemporary society places a lot of expectations on us regarding career, etc.. Yet we’re just people. We want to find meaning and we can have interests and passions like anyone else. But it’s a journey to find ourselves. Many seem to expect us to have everything all figured out, like we should just know. But things don’t really work that way. Life is a process for discovery for men too. We don’t innately have everything figured out. And it can put a lot of pressure on us when we are expected to just be a rock to know what’s right immediately. All that pressure on us can make it hard for us to be vulnerable, since that would be to admit we are still learning. It can make us want to take a quick shortcut and seem as if we are accomplished and wise, but that can inhibit learning. True learning comes from humility. When we learn something new, we have to be the student, someone who is not initially knowledgeable. That is a humble position that is hard to accept when there is so much responsibility thrust on us. Thanks for your question and for reading my thoughts on this.
We’re people, not solution dispensers.
For women in their 20s, more than anything else, when it comes to romantic relationships with men, be realistic about your standards. If you are *truly* a catch, in the eyes of a man (if a man is what you’re after), not in the eyes of your girlfriends and family, then you should expect the same from him. A lot of women think they deserve Brad Pitt when they’ve overweight, masculine and have a couple kids from different baby daddies. Nothing wrong with that but just be realistic. Men can be delusional too but fortunately or unfortunately, reality is quick to humble us if we think we deserve a supermodel while we play video games in our mothers’ basement. Good luck!
Career advice: CYA (Cover your ass) ALL the time! Got a phone call asking you to do something? Follow up with email. Got a strange request or out of the norm? Follow up with email… at one point in your career there will be bad decisions made by management and someone will need to be held accountable, the only way to make sure you protect yourself is by having written proof.
Also, how to REALLY move up in any company:
1) figure out who the top 3-4 people are who matter, usually your immediate boss, their immediate boss, and THEIR immediate boss, those are the ONLY opinions that should matter over if you’re doing a “good job”
2)do the shit every hates or no one wants to take responsibility for…do those things and do them well, then ask what else you can do to help.
3)don’t rock the boat, be a cheesy team player and GO TO THE HAPPY HOURS…that’s where you get a chance to rub elbows with the right people.
4)no one cares about your opinion on how to “fix” things, unless it’s your job to fix things. You are assign a task, do that task well and shut up. Now, if you find ways to be efficient within your task, please DO make an effort to highlight to your boss (note* they might take credit but a great manager will not).
Good luck young one! And please ALWAYS remember your worth, as my mother always told me, don’t kill yourself so that others can eat.
Edit: I guess I should clarify about the stuff no one wants to do… I mean specifically tasks and projects that are for the greater good of the team and company, not errands or jobs for individuals. Example: I came in one night and cleaned up and reorganized our office supply closet which had been a mess for years prior to my arrival. But yes caution should be taken because if you do something enough, it becomes your “responsibility” and well, F that! Lol.
In the U.S., Men treat each like half as affectionately as you do your girlfriends. When you extend that affection to a new guy friend, he may mistake that for romantic interest bc often it’s only his gf / ex who has shown him such levels of affection.Â
One example: when you may say bye to someone you really care for (guy or gal), you might add a lot of warmth to their name and even extend it out a bit in a bit of cute way. Guys can mistake that platonic affection for romanticÂ
Having experienced the raging hormones of my 20s, and suspecting many others were similar due to relationship status changing wildly in our 20s, that having a strictly platonic relationship with single men in their 20s is…hard. Not impossible, but if you’re close in age, and you’re hanging out, a guy has probably thought about it.
It’s easier to be friends with work colleagues because there’s a professional boundry that tends to be respected, though not always. While flirting can be fun, don’t lead guys on, just be clear, respectful, and let them know you’re not interested.
As others have mentioned, your 20s are a hard period of life, for all genders. Parental support starts disappearing, expectations to get out on your own and start a family start ramping up, jobs suck, relationships change because of time availability. Not to mention the brand new stress of trying to date. It’s a lot of stress for anybody.
When it comes to dating, men are not NPCs. We have our own thoughts, feelings, and desires. We’re people, too.
Stoicism should not be an invitation to take your partners needs lightly, or think of them as secondary.
That guy in his 40s that keeps telling you “you’re really mature for your age” is likely emotionally stunted himself, or likes you because you’re young and hot, not because you’re exceptionally mature.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes and like attracts like .
I hear a lot of criticism about what women expect out of men and to be blunt a lot of those women don’t offer a bit of what they ask for .
Kindess and genuiness goes far with many men too , tell a man you’re interested in him , let him know you love his eyes today , tell him you love that color on him . Many men aren’t used to compliments and those small moments of interest and connection can be so valuable.
Lastly your relationship is yours, there’s a sea of shitty dating advice out there especially on social media ( even on Reddit… even this post maybe ?) , lots of pretty losers who would love to tell you how to also be miserable and unhappy while wrapping it in a pretty veneer of strength . Make sure you double check that anything you read or hear resonates with you are , who you want to be, and how you want your future relationship to look like , I believe in taking advice from people whose lives demonstrate the results that I want .
Yet another reason to watch taking advice from social media because so much of social media is fake and what happens when the camera stops could be a whole different relationship you don’t want but it looks great on camera.
Stop playing mind games, and stop playing hard to get.
If you like a guy, SHOW it
He will almost certainly appreciate it more than having play mind games
A lot men like it when the woman takes some of the initiative in courtship
“Do all men do/like/think _____?”
No
Applies to women and men.
Don’t get married in your 20’s; at least your *early* 20’s. Those are formative years.
Most guys aren’t going to change in their values as they get older, so find a guy that matches your values (substantiated by the way he acts, decisions he makes, etc) in your 20s instead of waiting around for them to “mature.”
There’s always exceptions to the rule, but it’s rare and usually the change is likely from something profound that triggered it (ie trauma, loss, divorce, etc).
Now that I’m 40, the vast bulk of my good dude friends that have turned out well, have mostly always been consistent in their values and decisions, and the ones who grow, have continued to grow. The ones who refused to, have continued to stay immature into their late 30s, so on so forth.
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I would like you to know that most men in their 20s are ignorant, especially about sexuality and emotional intimacy.
Stop expecting chivalry and other traditionally masculine behavior if you’re not a traditional woman
If you want a relationship with a man, do not wait for him to make a move. It won’t happen and you will be disappointed. You need to initiate. Go talk to him with your words.
That men have emotions and feelings. It’s not cool to ridicule a man for being sad and telling them to “man up.”
Dear women, absolutely no men want to be around an adult woman who refuses to take accountability for her own behavior. Learn how to do so or receive the consequences
I just want a hug and to feel loved. I have emotional needs that I’ve spent my whole life never getting met.Â
Yes I did just cry when you did something thoughtful for me.Â
A lot of us still think we’re 25. I’m 40, and still do stupid shit. I’m mostly financially responsible, got a small home and a car, but won’t hesitate to go on a golf trip with the boys at the drop of a hat. I still build rice rocket cars, still go wheeling in the mud, still play vidyagames
As I still think I’m 25 I have to check myself around young women, and that their professional kindness is not in fact an invitation. Some men don’t check themselves, and will hit on you first chance they get.
We’re simple creatures and prone to problem solving by nature, for myself I had to learn the difference between being an ear and being a wrench. If you need to vent about work or your day or whatever, say so.
Which leads me to my next point. Say what you mean, and don’t expect us to ‘get it’. Don’t dilly dally with your words. Express your thoughts and feelings simply and succinctly.
You can’t fix him
Stop wasting your time and go find someone who is already a good person
Men are much more emotional and fragile than they want you to know. Combined with our physical strength that’s what makes us so dangerous. Please never demean a man who shows his emotions or speaks his truth. Allow a man to be his real self in your presence and do not require him to be a hero.